Sequoia Wild

Tonight my school had a party that was also a bit of a talent show, so I went up and sang Lush Life, and it was received enthusiastically. My two closet friends at the school, Thomas and Jake, both said they enjoyed it, and even shifu made a point to compliment me, as did several others, foreigners and Chinese alike. It meant a lot to me on this journey toward healing my voice and my relationship with music and performing. I don’t remember how it came up, but the week before I had explained to Thomas about my decade off from singing and how my voice had deteriorated, and a few days after that Fifth Element was mentioned, so I was able to use that as an example of what I had been able to sing but could no longer, really, at all. So he knew something about what it meant for me to sing. This made me consider: if this is how I sound after not having sung for ten years, and everyone enjoyed it and considered me to have a lot of talent, just how would my voice sound if I dedicated myself to training again? And in this performance I did what I always used to do- I didn’t warm up at all, just got up and sang, and used my ability to feel what my voice was up to in order to alter my expression around where my voice was limber. And my breathing automatically settled into supporting me, and I had fun listening to the sound of my voice (and on a microphone, which is extra fun). So, I can’t really pretend that I don’t know how to sing anymore, or that my singing has deteriorated so far that it is hopeless to ‘get back’ what I had lost during my Lost Decade. Last year I promised myself that I would sing anytime someone asked me to or there was an opportunity for open performance, and it has been a very healing experience. No one has come out of the shadows and booed, like Buttercup’s nightmare in The Princess Bride, which I think I expect due to old experiences.

This era of my life is so exciting.

Additional, added on train:

I left without saying goodbye to my friends at the school. I could have woken up early and sat with them while they gathered to train, but I told myself I was too tired from packing the night before. I think it was actually a tolerating the good problem- everyone had been exceedingly kind and welcoming and helpful and fun, and I was going to miss them. If I had said goodbye, I ran the risk of being told I would be missed, or receiving compliments or well-wishes- signs of actual friendship that would have been hard to tolerate because they contrast so strongly how I expect to be treated or thought of. I think everyone deals with this on some level, and in retrospect I wish I had been a little braver. As it is, I left a note on Jake’s door to share my contact info with others. I truly hope people contact me!

We’re in Shanghai, so I need to run!