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    Sustainability


    2012 - 03.18

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Boston, Growth, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight, Writing | No Comments »

    To keep in existence, supply with necessities or nourishment, provide for, support from below, keep from falling or sinking, encourage, withstand, affirm, confirm, maintain.

    What currently provides the foundation of my efforts?                                                              Will.

    I used to believe that I must not have a strong will because I continually gave up, failed, or never began the quests that would build the life I required to not drown in dissatisfaction. The extent and origins of this lie are heartbreaking, the repercussions tragic.

    Now, I realize that I actually have an incredible amount of will power. More than most- perhaps the amount needed to actualize. I brought my life back from the brink of destruction, regained so much of what I had lost and sacrificed, and have even begun to add some of my true path into my life. When I find myself off course, I always find my way back- faster each time. I trust myself to do this. I depend on my will to accomplish miracles, and somehow, it does.

    People are drawn to this fire in me. I inspire, I awe, I impress, I lead, I draw the eyes whether I want to or not. Looking back, I must have always known this about myself, because shining through all the insanity of my conditioning I have always used this same technique to recover myself and there have always been people who look at me with stars in their eyes in a way I could not return.

    The glimpses of my uninhibited fire imply a potential power over my destiny and other people that makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

    I am running away from this as much as I am running toward it.

    The closer I get, the more I want it, the longer the list of requirements for satisfaction gets; and the more terrified of actually having it all I become so I run for cover and hide until I can forget what it was like to witness the terrible beauty of the life I was meant to lead. If I am to move forward, I need to accept that the neglected areas of my life just become black holes to suck energy from the areas I am currently enamored with. I am using my fire for purposes it is not suitable for, and my energy is leaking everywhere. My daily framework must be designed to sustain as many of my quests as possible when my will power is focused on something else.

    Will power is not enough.

    Fire needs wood to burn, air to breathe, stones to absorb its heat, water to limit it when it flares.

    Elemental Balance

    Wood to Burn

    Food that frees my energy flow needs to constitute all but 2-3 of my meals every week:

    1. Fresh produce: Berries, apples, bananas, pineapples, carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, etc.
    2. Steamed produce: Broccoli, spinach, bok choi, asparagus, corn, seaweed, watercress, etc.
    3. Boiled starches: Lentils, barely, beans, potatoes, noodles, rice.
    4. Juice, tea, miso and lots of water!

    Food that congests my energy should be reduced.

    In order from most to least problematic:

    1. Overt fats and heavy oils (skin infecting): Cheese, butter, fried foods, fatty meat, ice cream, mayo, visible oil, chocolate.
    2. Flour and grains (dehydrating): Pastries, cookies, crackers, bread.
    3. Creamy substances (tongue coating): Milk, yogurt, nut and grain milk.
    4. Covert oils: Lean meat, fish, light oils, coconut, avocado, nuts and seeds.

    The 2-3 ‘heavy’ meals can include items from #4, but try to limit #1-3 as much as possible, with only a bite of type 1!

    Air to Breathe

    Sing. Jump. Climb. Sprint. Lift. Punch. Meditate. Kick. Stretch. Dance. Move. Slice.

    Until you’ve been sweating for 15 minutes and your heart is pounding.

    Stones to Absorb

    Sleep for 7-9 hours every night, starting before 2am.

    Don’t procrastinate. Spend wisely. Be prepared.

    Water to Limit

    Spend time with friends. Build relationships. Keep an eye out for ドキドキの人.

    Write novel. Practice calligraphy. Paint. Compose. Design tattoos. Be sexy and pretty.

    167 lbs, size 12 and… boku wa kendoshi desu!


    2012 - 01.04

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight | No Comments »

    When did this happen?! I’ve crossed the 170 barrier and dropped two clothes sizes since returning to the US. I can now shop in any clothing store I want. I no longer have to look for clothes with Xs on the label.

    I can’t help grinning like an idiot. I keep thinking I must be in one of those stretch mirrors. Where did it go? I have lost 50 pounds of the 70 I gained when I got married! Soon I will fully recognize myself again! Already my curves are returning to the arcs I remember. Thank the goddess for my amazing collagen!

    This is really going to happen! It’s not some miracle, I am doing it every day!

    I’m so happy that the ’secret’ to losing weight was simply finding the foods that my body desired and leaving behind the rest. It took years to learn how to listen since I had been so throughout numbed out, but now there’s no way I would ever shut myself down again! I feel alive!

    Also, I am now a kendoshi! My first kendo practice was this Thursday, wherein we did 2,012 overhead swings, or suburi. I made it all the way through! And I learned a ton. It hurts so much more if you do it wrong! Like any sport, I am realizing, it is designed to make use of the body’s natural way of doing things, thus why unlearning is probably the most difficult stage of learning. I can tell by the blisters and cramps that my posture will be fixed during my study of this art. So much better than pointless physical therapy exercises. This is going to be great. The footwork practice I did has left me with more aches than the arm work, which makes sense given that even my legendary shoulder-neck tension cannot match the ridiculous brute strength of my poor overworked calves. It’s relax or die. Perfect.

    ~

    These two developments combined to make some sleepless nights, just buzzing from the awesomeness that is coming into my life. At 214 pounds, married and miserable, in 2006… it was all I could do to dare to wish I might have my life back and set it on the path that was stolen from me when I made that series of stupid decisions when I was in college, even though I can’t imagine having been able to break free any earlier than I did given what I was up against. But now… now it is in sight. It is not just some theoretical dream. It is blossoming.

    and yes, I’ve decided i’m cool enough to use boku. we’ll see if I can pull it off with the native Japanese. ;P

    Revelations of love and loneliness during the last few months in Japan


    2011 - 11.06

    Posted in Body, Boston, Growth, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Music, Otaku, Philosophy, Relationships, Weight, Writing | No Comments »

    I totally fail at updating. This is partially because I’m back in Boston, which is relatively familiar to all of you (at least compared to Asia), living the day-to-day work life that I assume you wouldn’t find terribly interesting- but more honestly, it is probably because my ponderings have been intensely personal since March or so. I am fairly open about my process on my blog, but the kinds of realizations I’ve had recently are still too tender to put out in the universe yet in more than a general fashion. They are almost all connected with love, a topic which part of me tried to keep me from processing until I knew I was completely safe. Apparently it took about two and a half years for me to find that part of myself. (more…)

    Surpassing myself


    2011 - 07.08

    Posted in Growth, Music, Weight | No Comments »

    One of my friends from high school who heard me sing all the time, in hearing my demo of Lush Life, said I sounded better now than I did in high school. Secretly, I’d been wondering this myself, because I have no recordings of how I used to sound, but even having not sung for 10 years I have a suspicion that I couldn’t help but have learned more than I knew at 16. But his comment has rocked my world.

    Seriously, I suddenly had the thought that if that’s true, without realizing it I was limiting myself to “getting as good as I used to be” instead of considering surpassing myself! In getting in shape, too! Hmm… what would my motivation feel like if my goal was not a comparison to my ‘golden age’ but was creating a new and better golden age more awesome than I have yet experienced in my life?! Woah. *lets it soak in* That feels lusciously different!

    Thanks, Mike!

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Chiba, Left-Brained Arts, Processing, Relationships, Weight | No Comments »

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)

    Returning from silence


    2011 - 05.24

    Posted in Body, Japan, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight, Writing | 1 Comment »

    So only a few days after submitting my music school applications my netbook self-destructed. I kind of forgot about the internet cafe next door to me and so waited patiently for a friend to put ubuntu on a usb stick so i could retrieve my data and restore. but now that is done (though the original problem still exists so i can’t move the lid or it reboots and will corrupt the boot file again…) i got all my data safely off and have something larger than 3″ to type on again. But soon my sister will be sending me the new powerbook i’ve ordered through berklee so I will have a new toy to write music on! yay!

    It has been so long since I have posted I don’t know where to start. I have been writing in notebooks like crazy since my computer died and it’s been totally nostalgic of junior high when I filled 16 notebooks with Darkwing Duck fanfic. My novel is going really well and I am learning a ton about myself in the process; my fear of anger and violence that is making all my characters sound like goodie two shoes, the true extent of my obsession with hair, my love of explaining things well, and a ton about my experience of romance, sexuality and beauty. In order to get to know my main characters, I am writing almost a full prequel about how they met- 19 years before the main story starts, and it is fascinating. I seem to have unearthed my particular style of falling in love and I think it’s awesome, and in perfect time for dating when I get to Brighton. But realizing everyone would not relate to falling in love this way is making the romances I’m writing extra fun to play with. technique-wise, I am simultaneously challenged by being able to express myself with precision and in expanding beyond my own truths to build variety into my story. I love this work.

    And it is really the first thing in my life that I have truly practiced. I never used to write drafts or even revise, really. I was so sensitive to my own criticism that I would create something that given my innate talents was reasonably good compared to average, and then I would leave it alone and pretend I didn’t care if I could have made it better given more work (and self-honesty). If the thing I created didn’t even meet those standards, it got thrown away. But never have I just written to try and get whatever morsel I was aiming to express down on the page the best I could. Most of what I write reads like mediocre fanfic, and for the first time in my life I’m fine with that, because every now and then a phrase or image or line is so close to that spark of inspiration flitting behind my mind that I feel blessed with even the amount of talent I have- and for the first time I am not wishing I was a prodigy… I am looking forward to the crafting of this extension of myself. I think this shift is going to make all the difference in my creative endeavors, and whether I can make it as a professional musician. But even just in the moment, it gives me untold pleasure.

    On the food and weight front I’ve been having a similar journey. I gained back about 7 pounds since hitting 180. I was definitely shaken up by my success and, actually, how easy it was. All I had to do was do things that felt great and then I would feel even greater and then it snowballed into super great time. But when I hit 180 and my body really began to feel so much like how it used to when I was fit… I guess I wasn’t quite ready and I back pedaled. Completely stopped being active and started eating crap again… it was bizarre. Then I tried to bully myself into doing my program again, telling myself that if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t be where I wanted when school started. It was ingeniously framed as motivational and empowering, but really it was just fear and future-tripping… black and white. I had forgotten about the joy I was feeling every day, in the present, at living an active and healthy life and feeling pretty every day. Well, thank the goddess, I finally remembered and have found my style again, and again it is easy. I bet that the next time it gets hard again, it will be because my old conditioning has slowly morphed my pleasure-oriented motivations into fear-and-shame-oriented self-bullying again. I am going to keep a look out for that, because it just doesn’t work, and it’s stressful as all hell. So the weight I regained is mostly gone and I’m on my way back down again, but that was a rough six weeks. Actually, writing about my philosophy through designing a culture in my novel has really helped me. As if a fictional group of people I designed somehow externally validate how I want to live my own life. Go figure. Maybe that’s what makes me a sci-fi/fantasy type person. Fiction is like distilled reality for me. Those of you who understand this will understand. And with that tautology, I end for now.

    Clear on Food!


    2011 - 01.17

    Posted in Body, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight | No Comments »

    Stepping most of the way to raw veganism, because it’s completely obvious that’s what needs to change to repair my health. After years of being inspired but intimidated by the raw food lifestyle, I finally have enough practice listening to my body to give it what it’s been asking for! Turns out it’s common sense, and all those experts can keep their sprouted avocado dehydrated flax carob cake gourmet raw recipes. I love produce I can recognize! Found a great book called 80/10/10 that validates what I’ve experienced around my various sensitivities and is helping me learn more about how to support myself in eating the way I need to! Finally! :D

    Added after reading the book today:

    Besides being overweight, the other main food-oriented discomfort is that my skin has always been incredibly sensitive to oils, no matter what their form. Almost immediately after eating something with oils (even if it is not ‘oily’, like fried food) my face begins to itch, I become flushed and oil starts to be excreted from my pores. It is so uncomfortable I usually have to wash my face a few times during the next hour or so until it is not distracting. I like to think I my skin is particularly efficient at filtering, but more likely the toxins from years of eating crap has screwed up my homeostasis so that this is a symptom of a more system-wide issue. Over the years I have eliminated overt oils and fats to various degrees (meat, dairy, frying) but although I felt best as a full vegan in 2007 (and lost 30 pounds) eating cooked foods makes oil very difficult to avoid. Also, I have heard so many times that fats/oil is necessary that I have been worried about reducing it too far, similar to my battle with protein. For years I have secretly wished that I could ‘get away’ with a diet of mainly fresh produce- I never understood the need to replicate the standard american diet-style foods with different ingredients- because only after eating a meal of only produce did I ever feel “clean” afterwards. I reliably have indigestion of various sorts after eating grains… even brown rice leaves me uncomfortable, as does soy and anything ‘creamy’ textured, regardless of ingredients. So I thought that if I could just stop eating things made with any kind of grains, meats, overt fats and anything creamy then my system would finally relax enough to let my body’s healing do its job. This would be a really low-fat raw vegan style design, and I had never seen something like that. But that really only leaves me with produce, and many people already reacted strongly when I went vegan because I would become malnourished. So I overwrote my body’s messages and kept some semblance of the standard  diet, while my skin and weight and digestive issues remained the same.

    I am totally over that now. I’m not sure why, but something about reverting back to a less healthy way of eating while my sister was in Japan this month finally sent a foundation-shaking message of “I’M DONE WITH EATING THIS CRAP AND FEELING HORRID” though my system, followed by, “I DON’T CARE IF PEOPLE FREAK OUT, I AM ONLY GOING TO EAT THE THINGS THAT WORK FOR MY BODY.” With this new conviction, I went online to look for resources to give me some guidance on how to pull this off smartly, as it would suck to aim for greater health only to make my system more toxified. And, thanks to a random reviewer on Amazon, I found the 80/10/10 book, with I ordered with free overnight delivery and read today. I almost couldn’t believe how much the author had asked the same questions about food that I had, and that his answers were a more detailed version of what I had decided to do! I am so grateful. AND this is the first time I have read a book on nutrition where I felt I was in the seat of power, that I was looking for tools for me to use on my quest, instead of being told what to do for fear of some dreaded result. I mean, malnutrition really only happens if you are starving, not just if you haven’t eaten enough bites of meat– duh. All this excitement over something so common sense is ridiculous. I am taking the fear-mongering out of feeding myself. I am pumped! I can’t imagine what I would rather do than eat produce all day! I don’t even like salads because I would rather make a ‘cold-plate’ of all the veggies and fruits as finger food! So eating fruits and veggies as nature intended them just makes perfect sense to me. I am so relieved to know that my body’s messages really were right and that by just eating a few nuts a day I can meet my need for fat and oils, and that plant protein is sufficient. And finally, in a good enough way, I have a plan to meet my needs that I only need to allow myself to do naturally! This has been a long, long time in coming. I know, that by listening to my body and trusting myself that my body will stabilize at my proper weight and my skin will be glowing and I will feel light and energized– more than I even remember from my teens! Oh, and even before switching to raw, I have lost 16 pounds since October! Regular exercise is an absolute must for my body… and since I won’t be eating lethargic-making foods, my activity will increase, too! I almost can’t believe that I’ve given myself permission to… live fully!

    Winter Singing Gig!


    2010 - 12.13

    Posted in Ichihara, Lesbian Scene, Music, Relationships, Weight | No Comments »

    Having mentioned that I was a jazz singer, my boss asked me to sing at the company party today! I sang:

    • Let it snow
    • White Christmas
    • Winter Wonderland
    • The Christmas Song
    • I’ve got my love to keep me warm

    It was a great experience. Everyone complimented me earnestly and I really enjoyed myself. It was great to be up on stage again, and especially considering the weird issues with dehydration I’ve had recently, I am happy with my performance. One person said that they didn’t think the audience truly appreciated what an artist they had in front of them, and that really gave me the confidence to apply to music school. I am realizing, once again, that many people literally can’t hold a tune, many people have pitch but no control or expression, and the fact that I can do what I can do is a rare talent that I should never take for granted. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I loved music the way I do but hadn’t been gifted with the voice I have. I should sing every day as a celebration of my fortune! And while being on stage I also remembered the aspects of my singing that I have always wanted to improve; my shy body movements during instrumentals, my confidence in belting and chest voice, my willingness to woo the audience and take myself seriously… all of the work I have done on myself in general is contributing to these areas, and the idea that in the near future I will be able to focus exclusively on becoming the best singer I can be is just a dream come true!

    Then, after the party, a bunch of us went out to this cute bar and then to karaoke, where I sang Iron Maiden, Nightwish and some awesome classic duets with my new friends. I’m glad we did the karaoke AFTER my gig because I completely killed my voice being Bruce Dickenson, but ‘Bring your daughter to the slaughter’ was really satisfying, and Wishmaster was just hilarious as always– apparently my air guitaring was impressive because I got cheers for rocking out. I so need to learn that instrument when I am at rock school. It was so refreshing to hang out with other people (at all) and also to hear their Japanese… truly inspiring about what is possible. As soon as I am done applying for music schools I am going to throw myself in to learning as much Japanese as possible before I leave this awesome country. I had an awesome time with Dave, Kevin, Vanessa, Erin, Corey, Jack and I’m sure some other peeps I am forgetting! I hope we can continue to hang out together as much as possible! Though it is always a challenge to balance all my personal quests with a social life, since I spend every non-working waking moment writing, singing, studying or exercising. Oh, what a life! and Katherine will be here in 9 days! I am so happy!

    Also, I need to give myself full props for having the courage to wear a sexy bright red size 10 dress given my body issues! But I just couldn’t be a jazz singer without a sexy dress. Seeing the video is a reality check for both how much I really am going to love being in shape again AND how much more in touch with my body I am now than I’ve ever been, even when I was my proper weight, because of all the work I’ve been doing. This week my food groove was off because it suddenly got cold and my body’s needs shifted, but next week I have a better idea of how to do a winter version of my food routine, so alls well. I also got support about my weight and healthy lifestyle from Dave and Corey, which was awesome. Also got to chat about queer stuff with Dave, which was so therapeutic… I hadn’t realized how much I missed my usual dose of gay, and it was nice to be out to real humans instead of pretending to be Joe American at school. All in all, this day was fantastic!

    Six pounds bye-bye!


    2010 - 12.01

    Posted in Weight | No Comments »

    A couple of weeks ago, my body started to release weight! All the little adjustments to food type/amount, exercise, sleep, balance etc finally reached some new homeostasis! The last major adjustment I made was to completely remove anything made with flour, including the granola I loved, and also remove yogurt. I noticed that I was looking forward to my sweet breakfasts a little too much, and so I replaced them with a greens and berry smoothie to be more hydrated and almost right away I noticed a change! This makes sense, given my pre-diabetic issues with sugar, which will disappear when I drop below the weight my insulin can handle! My body feels so different; lighter, more flexible, less squished as I move around… every morning I wake up and can feel my muscle tone closer! And the only effort of continuing my new healthy habits is to remind myself that I am successfully living a lifestyle that I designed and that actually works with results- if I begin to forget. My students bring me snacks (usually sweets) as if it is completely normal, and sometimes I start to get caught up in the normal-seeming-ness of it; and that’s when I remember that it is no longer normal for me. Normal for me means tons of yummy produce and simple protein, mainly; and I feel great! I am keeping a food journal with calories using LoseIt.com, and I am blown away by how simple and calm it is to stay at the right number of calories per day- the way I eat, and how I feel about eating,  have completely changed. I can feel that I am (finally, after trying to get back to it for over 2 years) in that head space when I was able to lose 30lbs so easily in 2007. That whole divorce thing took precedence in early 2008, and so I was distracted from my groove… but this time I’m certain that nothing will be such an obstacle! In fact, with heading to music school next year, everything around me is motivational! The noise in my mind, kind of a low level panic around food, is gone! I am so proud of myself for doing all the things I needed to in order to find my body’s needs! It was a ten year process, but this is the final stretch!

    Body Progress, Certainty and Patience


    2010 - 11.05

    Posted in Body, Growth, Quests, Weight | No Comments »

    this is a compilation of my FB updates chronicling the awesome body work I have been doing! I am also using LoseIt, an iPhone app that is a food and exercise journal with pretty graphs that awaken my RPG stat motivations! It has been really helpful watching myself get increasingly better at my health in a concrete way! In dedicating an hour of exercise and all day food awareness to myself, I have begun to appreciate my body in ways I never have before… and have in fact realized that while loosing the 75 pounds I need to lose (210 to 135, my old healthy weight circa 1998) is going to take a consistent lifestyle change over a good amount of time, it is now obvious that my body is going to bounce back without any problems as long as I take good care of it- and I am! So many things in my life are feeling this way to me now- my body, music school, my novel, Japanese, romance, friendships, children, money, adventure, career,  finding a place I love… all of my dreams are now framed in certainty and patience. Having achieved so much of what I “knew” was impossible years ago, my sense of self-efficacy has finally become realistic in relation to my abilities and potential (aka, I really do have what it takes to do anything I want in this life in a good enough way!)! This sense of myself is exactly what I wanted as the fruit of all the intensely difficult personal revolution I did over the past 7 years… I am in awe that this era has truly arrived! After braving the dark and doing what needed to be done, I am stepping into the light of my real life! I never thought I could feel this way. No, that’s not true… I had touched it a few times. I suppose I mean that I never thought I would be able to live here in this fulfilled and securely positive perspective. Comparing this to my writings years ago… wow.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild is so happy with her body! The opening and range of motion stretches I have been doing for my hips and knees are really working! I am now able to sit (with a bolster) with my knees bent to the outside, like this: ./\o/\. (my butt is the o and my feet are the .) My hips had gotten so tight that they used to slip partly out of joint if just one was in that position ( ././\\o ) so this is a huge accomplishment!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild and thanks to kung fu school for helping me learn the difference between “something is being injured” and “your body hasn’t done this since you were a baby but is totally designed for this” pain sensation!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild can totally feel the unbalancing effects of the high-simple-sugar foods she ate yesterday and today… time for a gentle cleanse to get rebalanced! Perfect for the new year!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild has learned that skipping even one day of her PT, even while taking good care of my body otherwise, results in way too much pain.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild The problem with eating so late is I am so hungry I eat too much, and then have to wait too long to digest before exercising or I feel sick… I wish I had time for a proper lunch at work or got home before 9:30!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild My PT needs are hard to meet- my rhomboids are so weak that they are almost impossible to target… doing rows, push ups, wall leans, etc are either too hard to do properly but when I execute one properly I can feel it, or I lessen the tension on the stretch tube and can do the action but I don’t feel anything… sigh… and if I don’t do my PT, boy am I sore and stiff and I can’t stand up straight… this will be an ongoing educational experience… Exercising wouldn’t be so bad if my muscles didn’t hurt so much…

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild Every day, forever, no matter what. October 14th!

    Elemental Balance


    2010 - 10.09

    Posted in Body, Weight | No Comments »

    I find how learning works to be fascinating. I can learn what looks like the same lesson on paper over and over, yet every time there is something more; a settling-in, a new angle… like rubbing antibacterial gel into a rough wound. Huh. That sounds gross, not actually the image in my mind. Curious. Anyway, this week’s learning is about balance.

    (more…)

    the easy fight, the hard fight


    2010 - 09.27

    Posted in Body, Weight | No Comments »

    I may be a renowned warrior princess, but I much prefer the “steel yourself and manage to overcome impossible odds in one amazing transformation sequence” battles than these day-in, day-out long-term campaigns. My courage gets forgetful if things aren’t glorious enough.

    I have always been more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. People have been awed by the fierceness of my dedication and follow through on changes I’ve wanted to make in my life that required a level of make-over that many choose to never do. In the past few years I have made several amazing changes to my life, and each, not counting the years of training, preparation and gathering of support, took only a couple months. But longer than that and my fierceness seems to fade away. This last battle I have been fighting for 10 years, and I think it has become such a familiar fight that perhaps I am attached to the fight itself. The resolutions, the changes, and then a numb forgetting of my promises to myself… combined with a low level magical thinking that someday it will fix itself… despite all I have accomplished, I have the feeling that conquering this last quest, on the battlefield I find the most difficult, will represent the most success with the quietest manifestation. A curious phenomenon, not one I find appealing, but it is in the nature of the thing– no quick fix. Maybe I can find a way to wrap my head around it to appreciate this different sort of fight… or maybe I can learn to do something that doesn’t reward in glory.