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    Sustainability


    2012 - 03.18

    To keep in existence, supply with necessities or nourishment, provide for, support from below, keep from falling or sinking, encourage, withstand, affirm, confirm, maintain.

    What currently provides the foundation of my efforts?                                                              Will.

    I used to believe that I must not have a strong will because I continually gave up, failed, or never began the quests that would build the life I required to not drown in dissatisfaction. The extent and origins of this lie are heartbreaking, the repercussions tragic.

    Now, I realize that I actually have an incredible amount of will power. More than most- perhaps the amount needed to actualize. I brought my life back from the brink of destruction, regained so much of what I had lost and sacrificed, and have even begun to add some of my true path into my life. When I find myself off course, I always find my way back- faster each time. I trust myself to do this. I depend on my will to accomplish miracles, and somehow, it does.

    People are drawn to this fire in me. I inspire, I awe, I impress, I lead, I draw the eyes whether I want to or not. Looking back, I must have always known this about myself, because shining through all the insanity of my conditioning I have always used this same technique to recover myself and there have always been people who look at me with stars in their eyes in a way I could not return.

    The glimpses of my uninhibited fire imply a potential power over my destiny and other people that makes me profoundly uncomfortable.

    I am running away from this as much as I am running toward it.

    The closer I get, the more I want it, the longer the list of requirements for satisfaction gets; and the more terrified of actually having it all I become so I run for cover and hide until I can forget what it was like to witness the terrible beauty of the life I was meant to lead. If I am to move forward, I need to accept that the neglected areas of my life just become black holes to suck energy from the areas I am currently enamored with. I am using my fire for purposes it is not suitable for, and my energy is leaking everywhere. My daily framework must be designed to sustain as many of my quests as possible when my will power is focused on something else.

    Will power is not enough.

    Fire needs wood to burn, air to breathe, stones to absorb its heat, water to limit it when it flares.

    Elemental Balance

    Wood to Burn

    Food that frees my energy flow needs to constitute all but 2-3 of my meals every week:

    1. Fresh produce: Berries, apples, bananas, pineapples, carrots, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, etc.
    2. Steamed produce: Broccoli, spinach, bok choi, asparagus, corn, seaweed, watercress, etc.
    3. Boiled starches: Lentils, barely, beans, potatoes, noodles, rice.
    4. Juice, tea, miso and lots of water!

    Food that congests my energy should be reduced.

    In order from most to least problematic:

    1. Overt fats and heavy oils (skin infecting): Cheese, butter, fried foods, fatty meat, ice cream, mayo, visible oil, chocolate.
    2. Flour and grains (dehydrating): Pastries, cookies, crackers, bread.
    3. Creamy substances (tongue coating): Milk, yogurt, nut and grain milk.
    4. Covert oils: Lean meat, fish, light oils, coconut, avocado, nuts and seeds.

    The 2-3 ‘heavy’ meals can include items from #4, but try to limit #1-3 as much as possible, with only a bite of type 1!

    Air to Breathe

    Sing. Jump. Climb. Sprint. Lift. Punch. Meditate. Kick. Stretch. Dance. Move. Slice.

    Until you’ve been sweating for 15 minutes and your heart is pounding.

    Stones to Absorb

    Sleep for 7-9 hours every night, starting before 2am.

    Don’t procrastinate. Spend wisely. Be prepared.

    Water to Limit

    Spend time with friends. Build relationships. Keep an eye out for ドキドキの人.

    Write novel. Practice calligraphy. Paint. Compose. Design tattoos. Be sexy and pretty.

    I love this feeling


    2012 - 02.25

    of life moving forward.

    I am the kind of person who needs to feel that she is always moving toward what matters. That if the things I’ve dreamed of appeared in my life that I’d be prepared to jump onboard without reservations. I realized that was the true meaning of the nightmares I’ve had all my life, wherein something is coming but I just keep packing and repacking my bag to take with me, and I am either left behind or caught and trapped forever. That bag held everything I thought I would need to live freely, and in my old mindset, there was no way I could carry all of those things with me… and if I could even fit them in the bag, it was too heavy to lift! The burden of freedom was too much for me to handle before. But now I feel like that bag needs to carry only a few essential things and they are almost weightless! The moment when I don’t need a bag at all… the moment when I can run full tilt into the future- I get closer to it everyday!

    I am going back to Japan next April 2013 and I am planning on setting up life there- not just existing there, but making friends, falling in love, doing everything I’m fascinated with, exploring every corner that I was afraid to before. Eventually I would like to have homes in both Japan and California, but for now I am going to focus on life in Japan. I left too much undone there and I am too in love with it to stay away.

    I am going to stay at my current job, even though it doesn’t pay much, and focus on getting better at it so that I can truly be a professional EFL teacher. It has the most promise to support my life in Japan, especially as a private tutor, and it could also be my gateway into teaching at university. When I am responsible and don’t procrastinate, teaching allows me to keep my creative mind on and gives me enough time to write, sing, practice kendo and learn Japanese. So the trick is getting people to pay me more for it so I can afford the lifestyle I want. In order to do that, I need to get better at it. I need to become more professional and match the expectations that people are looking for.

    So my focus for the next year is:

    • Learn all I can about teaching English at a deeper level than I ever have before, using the resources that exist for teachers and leaving behind my shallowly casual attitude about this profession.
    • Study Japanese like crazy so that I can truly have conversations and ask for what I need before I return.
    • Continue my transformation into a healthy, beautiful badass.
    • And of course, keep writing my novel, start writing songs and singing regularly and practicing kendo, archery and all the other stuff I want to try.

    As for details:

    Kensuke and Manami, my Japanese students who are trading me Japanese lessons, will be returning to Japan at the same time and have offered me so many things, among them contacts for my tutoring business in their home prefectures of Shizuoka, Chiba and Gunma. You may recall that Shizuoka was the first prefecture that I thought I would like, though I was disappointed by the beaches not having waves. Given all it offers by having my friends there now, I may rethink the pickiness of my beach opinion. They live in Mishima city, which is right next to Mt.Fuji. That area is full of the natural beauty of Japan that I never really got to explore, but it is an expensive couple hours from Tokyo/Yokohama. Kanagawa prefecture is in between where both groups of my friends will be living but still rather far from Chiba. I kind of want to try living directly in Tokyo, demo, takai! Super expensive! And hard to find jobs because everyone has the same idea. But if I have a year to apply to perfect jobs… speaking of which, I am going to try something different than an eikaiwa this time- maybe in a public school or a university program. But this just increases the competitiveness, so I need to put together a portfolio during this year as I learn.

    Ganbarimasu! ガんばります!!!

    And I have finally chosen the Kanji for my last name, which, in order to preserve the meaning means that I am pronouncing it differently. The closest meaning to Wild, that doesn’t also mean violent and is reserved for gangs, is ‘natural’: 自然, pronounced in on-yomi as  Shizen. Very powerful sounding, and also elegant. It could also be pronounced “jinen” (alternate on-yomi) or a variety of ways using kun-yomi that I will have to ask my friends about (my first name already mixes on and kun readings, which means I may need to change it). Not sure yet which readings would be used for a last name, or if this is a ridiculous last name, but for now it seems fine.  For bonus points, the individual kanji have meanings even closer to the ‘fierce’ aspect of ‘wild’: 自 is also a word for ’self’, and 然 means ‘burning’ (see the flame under it?). For a name meant to remind me to be my true, uninhibited, passionate self, this is on the money!

    So my Japanese name is Shizen Seikoiya, or 自然 声恋矢!

    167 lbs, size 12 and… boku wa kendoshi desu!


    2012 - 01.04

    When did this happen?! I’ve crossed the 170 barrier and dropped two clothes sizes since returning to the US. I can now shop in any clothing store I want. I no longer have to look for clothes with Xs on the label.

    I can’t help grinning like an idiot. I keep thinking I must be in one of those stretch mirrors. Where did it go? I have lost 50 pounds of the 70 I gained when I got married! Soon I will fully recognize myself again! Already my curves are returning to the arcs I remember. Thank the goddess for my amazing collagen!

    This is really going to happen! It’s not some miracle, I am doing it every day!

    I’m so happy that the ’secret’ to losing weight was simply finding the foods that my body desired and leaving behind the rest. It took years to learn how to listen since I had been so throughout numbed out, but now there’s no way I would ever shut myself down again! I feel alive!

    Also, I am now a kendoshi! My first kendo practice was this Thursday, wherein we did 2,012 overhead swings, or suburi. I made it all the way through! And I learned a ton. It hurts so much more if you do it wrong! Like any sport, I am realizing, it is designed to make use of the body’s natural way of doing things, thus why unlearning is probably the most difficult stage of learning. I can tell by the blisters and cramps that my posture will be fixed during my study of this art. So much better than pointless physical therapy exercises. This is going to be great. The footwork practice I did has left me with more aches than the arm work, which makes sense given that even my legendary shoulder-neck tension cannot match the ridiculous brute strength of my poor overworked calves. It’s relax or die. Perfect.

    ~

    These two developments combined to make some sleepless nights, just buzzing from the awesomeness that is coming into my life. At 214 pounds, married and miserable, in 2006… it was all I could do to dare to wish I might have my life back and set it on the path that was stolen from me when I made that series of stupid decisions when I was in college, even though I can’t imagine having been able to break free any earlier than I did given what I was up against. But now… now it is in sight. It is not just some theoretical dream. It is blossoming.

    and yes, I’ve decided i’m cool enough to use boku. we’ll see if I can pull it off with the native Japanese. ;P

    The Boundary


    2011 - 12.18

    In the last few weeks I have begun to study Japanese in a way I never have before. I am no longer intimidated by kanji and have returned to my original facination and love for the symbolic characters and the particular aesthetic themes they represent. Thanks to Mio’s gift of a calligraphy pen, I have begun to write kanji; for birthday cards, to hang on my wall, and today I wrote my first haiku. It all has the stumblings of a beginner but feels infinitely satisfying. I am also beginning to think in Japanese, and it feels more comfortable than my average thought in English. I am realizing just how much of the Japanese approach to life I have absorbed, or that was in me innately but is surfacing, especially now that I have left what I think of as my second homeland. I was watching my mind think and noticed that I had read about these sorts of thoughts before in Musashi and Yagyuu’s books on swordsmanship. I seem to be becoming Zen. That suits me just fine.

    These last few weeks I have been soaking up a new consciousness that is freeing me to accept things about myself and life that I resisted seeing before. They are all essentially positive things, but my tolerance for holding onto the things that matter to me has grown. And yet I am not gripping these things tightly. The word quiescence keeps coming to mind. And at the same time there is a not-unpleasant pain coloring this new way. My Western-trained brain leapt to the fear that it meant something was wrong with me or what I was doing even though this process felt so organically right. Here, again, I am grateful for other cultures’ paradigms. Just as it feels to me, in Zen what I am experiencing is actually a desirable aesthetic.

    Sabi: Asymmetrical, impermanent beauty; quiet elegance; acceptance of transience. A ‘positive sadness’; ‘detached loneliness’; ‘Beauty with a sense of loneliness in time’. (thanks http://www.michaelhaldane.com/HaikuLink.htm)

    While in this mind, I wrote the following passage, which successfully captures the flavor of my inner world in a way I have been unable to write before. For me, it seems, sabi and mushin (flow) are entwined.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (more…)

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)