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    Japan calls to me


    2012 - 01.07

    Japan calls to me.

    I needed to come home. I needed to remember that I had a home, that there were people who knew and loved me. I needed to share time with them, let my body recall closeness. These things I will need forever, and I will spend my life learning how to get closer to those I love, how to create a home and a life and walk through fire.

    There was a lot of walking through fire when I left in May 2010, but it had the sort of shoving-myself-from-behind feeling that I have learned means that it was based in illusion. I could only have learned the truth of this by returning. I have tried to capture the learning that I have done ever since I began to awaken to my life, ever since I made the choice to awaken- ever since I changed my name. This awakening comes in layers so fine they resist language.

    Walking through fire with unshakable purpose is new. I am no longer running from something. I am striding toward something. And this something seems to involve an awful lot of Japanese stuff.

    I am awakening to what Japan means to me. I no longer care if this feeling is overly romantic or irrational. Or rather, I am letting go of worrying that others think it is, because I know it’s not. Romance matters to me. It is essential to my happiness. And I am an exceedingly rational person, weaknesses and all.

    Pathologizing gets me nowhere, though it is my oldest habit to worry that I’m doing something wrong. I am learning to believe in myself, my way of living. I have strengths that only emerge when I accept my nature.

    I walk around Boston like I own the place. I do. I learned how to own a city from my brief, nervous adventures getting lost and frustrated in Tokyo. Boston is easy. This sense of competence and mastery feels right. It is my right to feel it. So for a while, I need to soak it up. I need to stay with this feeling of having a right to do what I love. Learning Japanese, kendo, singing, writing, making money, being with loved ones, romance… these sound like a lot of ‘do’, but if you know how I do things, then you know they are actually all ‘be’s. Being is energized for me.

    But then I am going to walk through fire again and do all the things that were below my threshold of tolerance before. All the experiences in Japan that I thought I had no right to do, I am going to do them. The life I was too insecure to build for myself there, I will. Being valued as unique in Boston has undone my ‘just another gaijin’ mentality that poisoned my efforts while living in Japan. When I return, I am going to go all out. The only question is when- the moment when the balance of the learning I am doing in Boston shifts toward the need to move forward in the areas that can only be accomplished in Japan.

    I am starting to understand the power of having a clear, defined goal and putting your all toward it. My goal is so simple I can point to it in my mind instantly, though putting it into words makes it sound needlessly complicated. Luckily, I’m the only one who needs to understand it fully.

    Life is surprisingly straightforward.

    Revelations of love and loneliness during the last few months in Japan


    2011 - 11.06

    I totally fail at updating. This is partially because I’m back in Boston, which is relatively familiar to all of you (at least compared to Asia), living the day-to-day work life that I assume you wouldn’t find terribly interesting- but more honestly, it is probably because my ponderings have been intensely personal since March or so. I am fairly open about my process on my blog, but the kinds of realizations I’ve had recently are still too tender to put out in the universe yet in more than a general fashion. They are almost all connected with love, a topic which part of me tried to keep me from processing until I knew I was completely safe. Apparently it took about two and a half years for me to find that part of myself. (more…)

    Saying goodbye is so hard!


    2011 - 07.13

    Today I said goodbye to my favorite teenage class and it was really hard! Then one of my adult students gave me the manga to my favorite Ghibili movie and I nearly cried I was so happy that she remembered and ordered it and everything. Then Yoko-sensei realized that this was the last time we would be teaching on the same day and we said goodbye, too! and this was after all day of saying goodbye to class after class of my elementary age kids….

    I am probably going to gush like a fountain by Friday. I really have such warm feelings for so many of my students… I was so lucky to have a job where I spend most of the day grinning like an idiot, and even when things have gone to hell I’m still laughing my ass off! At least I know I love this job and maybe I can find a way to be a rock star and still work with Japanese youth. I know that really Japan is a country of humans like every other country of humans on this planet, but for me it is extra sparkly– the language is the language of love, the social conditioning contains some of my choice values, their sense of humor is just about perfect, their music is awesome, I am in awe of the character of its people… I am going to have to find ways to keep it in my life forever, because the idea that I might lose it is too hard.

    But for tonight, I have to finish packing, somehow. Dora, the new teacher is coming over tomorrow morning (in 12 hours) to see the apartment!

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)

    Tanoshikatta! 楽しかった!


    2011 - 06.12

    I had an amazingly fun night out with Yukihiro Hamada, Chris May, Saori Muranaka, Nozomi Kitadai, Anthony Gerard Odtohan, Mio and a bunch of other amazing ningen!

    Favorite moment: An elderly student of Chris’ saying “kono bishoujo” gesturing to me by mistake, then seeing it was me and saying “chi gau!” Everyone laughed and said “chi gau ja nai!” and I couldn’t stop laughing for ages!

    Translation- he referred to me as a beautiful woman when he was talking about someone who had been standing there a moment before, and when he saw it was a different person he said “wrong/different!”… which was easy to interpret as if he just discovered that I wasn’t beautiful after all! Then everyone stuck up for me saying it wasn’t wrong to say I was beautiful. Hilarity.

    This guy also asked me to sing the Star Spangled Banner for him and was like really moved when i did. he was quite an interesting experience.
    :)

    I’m sad that Yukihiro (one of the managers at my school) is leaving as he’s my only real Japanese friend and tons of fun, but he’s moving up in the world so I wish him the best. Chris has been gone for many weeks and Tuesdays just aren’t the same, but since I will be leaving soon anyway, it almost makes it easier since it can’t be helped that they’re gone; sho ga nai. BUT! We promised to out to karaoke together before I leave so I mustn’t get shy and miss that opportunity!

    Winter Singing Gig!


    2010 - 12.13

    Having mentioned that I was a jazz singer, my boss asked me to sing at the company party today! I sang:

    • Let it snow
    • White Christmas
    • Winter Wonderland
    • The Christmas Song
    • I’ve got my love to keep me warm

    It was a great experience. Everyone complimented me earnestly and I really enjoyed myself. It was great to be up on stage again, and especially considering the weird issues with dehydration I’ve had recently, I am happy with my performance. One person said that they didn’t think the audience truly appreciated what an artist they had in front of them, and that really gave me the confidence to apply to music school. I am realizing, once again, that many people literally can’t hold a tune, many people have pitch but no control or expression, and the fact that I can do what I can do is a rare talent that I should never take for granted. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I loved music the way I do but hadn’t been gifted with the voice I have. I should sing every day as a celebration of my fortune! And while being on stage I also remembered the aspects of my singing that I have always wanted to improve; my shy body movements during instrumentals, my confidence in belting and chest voice, my willingness to woo the audience and take myself seriously… all of the work I have done on myself in general is contributing to these areas, and the idea that in the near future I will be able to focus exclusively on becoming the best singer I can be is just a dream come true!

    Then, after the party, a bunch of us went out to this cute bar and then to karaoke, where I sang Iron Maiden, Nightwish and some awesome classic duets with my new friends. I’m glad we did the karaoke AFTER my gig because I completely killed my voice being Bruce Dickenson, but ‘Bring your daughter to the slaughter’ was really satisfying, and Wishmaster was just hilarious as always– apparently my air guitaring was impressive because I got cheers for rocking out. I so need to learn that instrument when I am at rock school. It was so refreshing to hang out with other people (at all) and also to hear their Japanese… truly inspiring about what is possible. As soon as I am done applying for music schools I am going to throw myself in to learning as much Japanese as possible before I leave this awesome country. I had an awesome time with Dave, Kevin, Vanessa, Erin, Corey, Jack and I’m sure some other peeps I am forgetting! I hope we can continue to hang out together as much as possible! Though it is always a challenge to balance all my personal quests with a social life, since I spend every non-working waking moment writing, singing, studying or exercising. Oh, what a life! and Katherine will be here in 9 days! I am so happy!

    Also, I need to give myself full props for having the courage to wear a sexy bright red size 10 dress given my body issues! But I just couldn’t be a jazz singer without a sexy dress. Seeing the video is a reality check for both how much I really am going to love being in shape again AND how much more in touch with my body I am now than I’ve ever been, even when I was my proper weight, because of all the work I’ve been doing. This week my food groove was off because it suddenly got cold and my body’s needs shifted, but next week I have a better idea of how to do a winter version of my food routine, so alls well. I also got support about my weight and healthy lifestyle from Dave and Corey, which was awesome. Also got to chat about queer stuff with Dave, which was so therapeutic… I hadn’t realized how much I missed my usual dose of gay, and it was nice to be out to real humans instead of pretending to be Joe American at school. All in all, this day was fantastic!

    I’m going back to music school!


    2010 - 09.21

    I am remembering myself. Somehow, the intense personal work I have done over the past 5 years to find and free myself has finally brought me to the place I knew I would end up… actively pursuing the path indicated by my brief years of happiness before my dark time set in: 16-17, when everyone knew I was a musician, an artist, a hippy, a lover, a poet-writer, a beauty, a glorious spark full of color and energy. I knew what my dreams were, and I believed in myself. I was in love and that love encouraged me to move forward and attain my dreams at any cost. I was both accomplishing the most I ever had and was the most relaxed and rested that I had ever been. It was a golden time for me, and I learned so much about who I was and what I wanted in my life from this time. (more…)

    Friendship


    2010 - 07.30

    I am grateful that my travels have given me the opportunity to ponder and experiment with one of the main topics I want to explore: friendship. What does it mean to be a friend? Are there criteria? Who chooses the criteria? Who judges the fitness? Is it a completely mutual process (do all parties have to agree on terms in order to move forward)? Or can one person decide that their relationship constitutes friendship and act accordingly? Is it really so shameful if intimacy is assumed too soon? Or is it worth taking the risk for fear of losing opportunities? Is being considered a friend ever truly an insult? Or conversely, is it always a compliment to be treated as a friend? (more…)