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    167 lbs, size 12 and… boku wa kendoshi desu!


    2012 - 01.04

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight | No Comments »

    When did this happen?! I’ve crossed the 170 barrier and dropped two clothes sizes since returning to the US. I can now shop in any clothing store I want. I no longer have to look for clothes with Xs on the label.

    I can’t help grinning like an idiot. I keep thinking I must be in one of those stretch mirrors. Where did it go? I have lost 50 pounds of the 70 I gained when I got married! Soon I will fully recognize myself again! Already my curves are returning to the arcs I remember. Thank the goddess for my amazing collagen!

    This is really going to happen! It’s not some miracle, I am doing it every day!

    I’m so happy that the ’secret’ to losing weight was simply finding the foods that my body desired and leaving behind the rest. It took years to learn how to listen since I had been so throughout numbed out, but now there’s no way I would ever shut myself down again! I feel alive!

    Also, I am now a kendoshi! My first kendo practice was this Thursday, wherein we did 2,012 overhead swings, or suburi. I made it all the way through! And I learned a ton. It hurts so much more if you do it wrong! Like any sport, I am realizing, it is designed to make use of the body’s natural way of doing things, thus why unlearning is probably the most difficult stage of learning. I can tell by the blisters and cramps that my posture will be fixed during my study of this art. So much better than pointless physical therapy exercises. This is going to be great. The footwork practice I did has left me with more aches than the arm work, which makes sense given that even my legendary shoulder-neck tension cannot match the ridiculous brute strength of my poor overworked calves. It’s relax or die. Perfect.

    ~

    These two developments combined to make some sleepless nights, just buzzing from the awesomeness that is coming into my life. At 214 pounds, married and miserable, in 2006… it was all I could do to dare to wish I might have my life back and set it on the path that was stolen from me when I made that series of stupid decisions when I was in college, even though I can’t imagine having been able to break free any earlier than I did given what I was up against. But now… now it is in sight. It is not just some theoretical dream. It is blossoming.

    and yes, I’ve decided i’m cool enough to use boku. we’ll see if I can pull it off with the native Japanese. ;P

    Revelations of love and loneliness during the last few months in Japan


    2011 - 11.06

    Posted in Body, Boston, Growth, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Music, Otaku, Philosophy, Relationships, Weight, Writing | No Comments »

    I totally fail at updating. This is partially because I’m back in Boston, which is relatively familiar to all of you (at least compared to Asia), living the day-to-day work life that I assume you wouldn’t find terribly interesting- but more honestly, it is probably because my ponderings have been intensely personal since March or so. I am fairly open about my process on my blog, but the kinds of realizations I’ve had recently are still too tender to put out in the universe yet in more than a general fashion. They are almost all connected with love, a topic which part of me tried to keep me from processing until I knew I was completely safe. Apparently it took about two and a half years for me to find that part of myself. (more…)

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Chiba, Left-Brained Arts, Processing, Relationships, Weight | No Comments »

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)

    Fighting with Audacious Beauty


    2011 - 06.19

    Posted in Body, Growth, Music School, Philosophy, Poetic, UK | No Comments »

    Hearing that I won’t be able to get financial aid to attend music school catalyzed something in me that has been waiting a lifetime to awaken.
    Before I had even finished reading the letter, my mind was whirling with alternative plans- something that could make up for what was lost so I wouldn’t feel the pain of losing it. I am consciously holding off my grief until this news is confirmed, but I had actually given up on it the moment my brain processed what I had read… and maybe before. I saw “regret” and “loans” and already the inner voice ‘… not so bad, it was a nice idea but it doesn’t really matter, we’ll do something else just as awesome so it’s not such a big deal…’.
    That’s a lie.
    Going to music school, no, not just music school, but this music school and the city and country and area of the world and the university clubs and housing and language and proto-friends I have already found there- these are extremely important to me. They motivate me throughout my day. Even the tiniest daydreams of my life there are woven close to my heart. For eight months I have put everything into making this happen. I began to sing and listen to music again, worked through my inability to tolerate my own talent and promise as a musician, learned how to listen critically and lovingly to my own voice and performance, allowed others to support and acknowledge what this meant to me and for the course of my life, and most of all, I let myself dream with an audaciousness I had never tried before. Dreaming ‘big’ has always been natural to me ever since I was child, profoundly lonely and utterly alone; those dreams were my solace. But the dreams I am finding now are of a different sort- they are precious, fragile, tender creatures hidden in the shadows of myself that drive so much of my fierce integrity and love of life that to share them with others, let alone look them in the face, makes me afraid they will shatter simply from the knowledge that if I die without these experiences I will be incomplete, I will have missed my destiny, I will not have become myself. And going to BIMM has many, many of these precious threads woven into it. I was somewhat aware of them, but when my going to BIMM was suddenly threatened they stood out like lightning against the black.
    These dreams are not ones that can be substituted for other adventures. I can’t just let BIMM go because a seemingly insurmountable obstacle has appeared. Maybe I will not be able to reach the summit in time to attend this year, and if so, then I will figure out the best way to preserve the preciousness. But what really interests me is how I responded to this threat. When China turned out to not be what I had hoped, I changed my plans to Japan and executed them with only a relatively minimal amount of processing and was happy with the result even though I am not actively doing martial arts now. But there is something about what I associate with BIMM being threatened that elicited submission from me. It was as if the secret of what really mattered to me had been discovered and would be utterly destroyed as a matter of course until it was lost to me completely, with no chance of salvaging the essence of why I loved it so dearly and what it meant to me.
    I know why I have been conditioned to feel that way. I have spent the last six years working to understand why I carry such darkness with me in such contrast to my innate brightness. But now, having watched my reaction to this threatened loss, I am more interested in the effect than the cause. When I immediately began to imagine substitutes for that irreplaceable something, the feeling in my body was one of letting go after something has been yanked out of your grasp, turning your back on someone you want to embrace, apologizing after a fight when you think you were right, saying ‘I love you’ under coercion, forced smiles when you’re devastated, standing back up after getting knocked down only to walk away. It was giving up, surrender. These sensations live in my belly, my breasts, my shoulders, my buttocks. But there was a secondary feeling enveloping the surrender; one of inhibited running, punches held back, tears stuck in throat, tightness everywhere as if I need to hold my organs in with my muscles alone. These sensations run cold over my skin, and if I am very quiet in myself, I can feel the strength in my limbs screaming to be freed. I want to run, hit, yell, explode- but I hold perfectly still, perfectly unthreatening, perfectly tame. I am frozen, trapped between flight and fight with no hope of either resulting in greater safety. On the outside I am trying to morph myself into whatever the other needs me to be in order to decide I am not a threat, so they will go away, leaving me to deal with the debris of my dreams.
    I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend I am not a threat to fragile people. I can’t cower under the scrutiny of people who don’t see who I am. I can’t sell out what’s important to me for fear of being mocked. I can’t live my life like I have something to be ashamed of. I can’t compromise away the essence of who I am. I can’t morph myself into an extension of others. I can’t step down when my life is on the line. I can’t settle for pale comparisons of what I want. I can’t worry about offending assholes. I can’t treat myself as if I am unsafe person. I can’t lie to myself about what I am willing to fight for. I can’t spend energy on convincing others that I am a good person. I can’t talk myself out of working my ass off for the things that matter to me. I can’t confuse myself over the difference between violence and movement. I can’t give up anything else. I can’t. I literally can’t stand it anymore. I can’t deny that I am fire, and if you get in the way of my destiny, you are going down in flames.
    I am done fucking around. I am not a nun, I am a warrior. I am not lawful good, I am chaotic neutral. I am not waiting, I am living. I am not here for you, I am here for me. And I AM a threat to assholes and cowards and bullies and authority and denial and tradition and morality and religion and stupidity and repression and arbitrary limits and ignorance and spiritual bypass and hate and boredom and ambivalence and excessive virtue and silence and ugliness and evil and propriety and shame and cruelty and apathy and labels and abuse and laziness and fallacy and liars and tyrants and false empowerment and selfishness and negativity and asceticism and people who are easily startled. I will rock your worlds and I will not apologize.
    There is no fucking way I am going to look back when I’m dying and regret not doing the things I could have done if only I had summoned the courage to step over that line between comfortable and audacious. I can SEE the uninhibited life right in front of me. Even if it means leaving everyone else behind, I must do this. I must find out what it’s like when I get out of my own way.
    So I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to BIMM in the fall, but it will not be because I accepted defeat.
    I am not frozen, and I am not fleeing.
    I am fighting.

    And here is a painting of my rainbow fire aura to remind me of it.

    Rainbow Flames, the aura of the fighter.

    Returning from silence


    2011 - 05.24

    Posted in Body, Japan, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight, Writing | 1 Comment »

    So only a few days after submitting my music school applications my netbook self-destructed. I kind of forgot about the internet cafe next door to me and so waited patiently for a friend to put ubuntu on a usb stick so i could retrieve my data and restore. but now that is done (though the original problem still exists so i can’t move the lid or it reboots and will corrupt the boot file again…) i got all my data safely off and have something larger than 3″ to type on again. But soon my sister will be sending me the new powerbook i’ve ordered through berklee so I will have a new toy to write music on! yay!

    It has been so long since I have posted I don’t know where to start. I have been writing in notebooks like crazy since my computer died and it’s been totally nostalgic of junior high when I filled 16 notebooks with Darkwing Duck fanfic. My novel is going really well and I am learning a ton about myself in the process; my fear of anger and violence that is making all my characters sound like goodie two shoes, the true extent of my obsession with hair, my love of explaining things well, and a ton about my experience of romance, sexuality and beauty. In order to get to know my main characters, I am writing almost a full prequel about how they met- 19 years before the main story starts, and it is fascinating. I seem to have unearthed my particular style of falling in love and I think it’s awesome, and in perfect time for dating when I get to Brighton. But realizing everyone would not relate to falling in love this way is making the romances I’m writing extra fun to play with. technique-wise, I am simultaneously challenged by being able to express myself with precision and in expanding beyond my own truths to build variety into my story. I love this work.

    And it is really the first thing in my life that I have truly practiced. I never used to write drafts or even revise, really. I was so sensitive to my own criticism that I would create something that given my innate talents was reasonably good compared to average, and then I would leave it alone and pretend I didn’t care if I could have made it better given more work (and self-honesty). If the thing I created didn’t even meet those standards, it got thrown away. But never have I just written to try and get whatever morsel I was aiming to express down on the page the best I could. Most of what I write reads like mediocre fanfic, and for the first time in my life I’m fine with that, because every now and then a phrase or image or line is so close to that spark of inspiration flitting behind my mind that I feel blessed with even the amount of talent I have- and for the first time I am not wishing I was a prodigy… I am looking forward to the crafting of this extension of myself. I think this shift is going to make all the difference in my creative endeavors, and whether I can make it as a professional musician. But even just in the moment, it gives me untold pleasure.

    On the food and weight front I’ve been having a similar journey. I gained back about 7 pounds since hitting 180. I was definitely shaken up by my success and, actually, how easy it was. All I had to do was do things that felt great and then I would feel even greater and then it snowballed into super great time. But when I hit 180 and my body really began to feel so much like how it used to when I was fit… I guess I wasn’t quite ready and I back pedaled. Completely stopped being active and started eating crap again… it was bizarre. Then I tried to bully myself into doing my program again, telling myself that if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t be where I wanted when school started. It was ingeniously framed as motivational and empowering, but really it was just fear and future-tripping… black and white. I had forgotten about the joy I was feeling every day, in the present, at living an active and healthy life and feeling pretty every day. Well, thank the goddess, I finally remembered and have found my style again, and again it is easy. I bet that the next time it gets hard again, it will be because my old conditioning has slowly morphed my pleasure-oriented motivations into fear-and-shame-oriented self-bullying again. I am going to keep a look out for that, because it just doesn’t work, and it’s stressful as all hell. So the weight I regained is mostly gone and I’m on my way back down again, but that was a rough six weeks. Actually, writing about my philosophy through designing a culture in my novel has really helped me. As if a fictional group of people I designed somehow externally validate how I want to live my own life. Go figure. Maybe that’s what makes me a sci-fi/fantasy type person. Fiction is like distilled reality for me. Those of you who understand this will understand. And with that tautology, I end for now.

    180! I haven’t been this weight since 2000!


    2011 - 04.10

    Posted in Body | No Comments »

    Oh my goddesses et al.!

    I now weigh 180. I have lost 30 pounds since October. That is 43% of my weight loss goal of 140, my healthy athletic weight before I gained the 70 pounds in 2000-2001. 

    I am the lightest I have been in 12 years!!!!!!
    I am really doing it! I am getting my body back! *swoons*

    Clear on Food!


    2011 - 01.17

    Posted in Body, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight | No Comments »

    Stepping most of the way to raw veganism, because it’s completely obvious that’s what needs to change to repair my health. After years of being inspired but intimidated by the raw food lifestyle, I finally have enough practice listening to my body to give it what it’s been asking for! Turns out it’s common sense, and all those experts can keep their sprouted avocado dehydrated flax carob cake gourmet raw recipes. I love produce I can recognize! Found a great book called 80/10/10 that validates what I’ve experienced around my various sensitivities and is helping me learn more about how to support myself in eating the way I need to! Finally! :D

    Added after reading the book today:

    Besides being overweight, the other main food-oriented discomfort is that my skin has always been incredibly sensitive to oils, no matter what their form. Almost immediately after eating something with oils (even if it is not ‘oily’, like fried food) my face begins to itch, I become flushed and oil starts to be excreted from my pores. It is so uncomfortable I usually have to wash my face a few times during the next hour or so until it is not distracting. I like to think I my skin is particularly efficient at filtering, but more likely the toxins from years of eating crap has screwed up my homeostasis so that this is a symptom of a more system-wide issue. Over the years I have eliminated overt oils and fats to various degrees (meat, dairy, frying) but although I felt best as a full vegan in 2007 (and lost 30 pounds) eating cooked foods makes oil very difficult to avoid. Also, I have heard so many times that fats/oil is necessary that I have been worried about reducing it too far, similar to my battle with protein. For years I have secretly wished that I could ‘get away’ with a diet of mainly fresh produce- I never understood the need to replicate the standard american diet-style foods with different ingredients- because only after eating a meal of only produce did I ever feel “clean” afterwards. I reliably have indigestion of various sorts after eating grains… even brown rice leaves me uncomfortable, as does soy and anything ‘creamy’ textured, regardless of ingredients. So I thought that if I could just stop eating things made with any kind of grains, meats, overt fats and anything creamy then my system would finally relax enough to let my body’s healing do its job. This would be a really low-fat raw vegan style design, and I had never seen something like that. But that really only leaves me with produce, and many people already reacted strongly when I went vegan because I would become malnourished. So I overwrote my body’s messages and kept some semblance of the standard  diet, while my skin and weight and digestive issues remained the same.

    I am totally over that now. I’m not sure why, but something about reverting back to a less healthy way of eating while my sister was in Japan this month finally sent a foundation-shaking message of “I’M DONE WITH EATING THIS CRAP AND FEELING HORRID” though my system, followed by, “I DON’T CARE IF PEOPLE FREAK OUT, I AM ONLY GOING TO EAT THE THINGS THAT WORK FOR MY BODY.” With this new conviction, I went online to look for resources to give me some guidance on how to pull this off smartly, as it would suck to aim for greater health only to make my system more toxified. And, thanks to a random reviewer on Amazon, I found the 80/10/10 book, with I ordered with free overnight delivery and read today. I almost couldn’t believe how much the author had asked the same questions about food that I had, and that his answers were a more detailed version of what I had decided to do! I am so grateful. AND this is the first time I have read a book on nutrition where I felt I was in the seat of power, that I was looking for tools for me to use on my quest, instead of being told what to do for fear of some dreaded result. I mean, malnutrition really only happens if you are starving, not just if you haven’t eaten enough bites of meat– duh. All this excitement over something so common sense is ridiculous. I am taking the fear-mongering out of feeding myself. I am pumped! I can’t imagine what I would rather do than eat produce all day! I don’t even like salads because I would rather make a ‘cold-plate’ of all the veggies and fruits as finger food! So eating fruits and veggies as nature intended them just makes perfect sense to me. I am so relieved to know that my body’s messages really were right and that by just eating a few nuts a day I can meet my need for fat and oils, and that plant protein is sufficient. And finally, in a good enough way, I have a plan to meet my needs that I only need to allow myself to do naturally! This has been a long, long time in coming. I know, that by listening to my body and trusting myself that my body will stabilize at my proper weight and my skin will be glowing and I will feel light and energized– more than I even remember from my teens! Oh, and even before switching to raw, I have lost 16 pounds since October! Regular exercise is an absolute must for my body… and since I won’t be eating lethargic-making foods, my activity will increase, too! I almost can’t believe that I’ve given myself permission to… live fully!

    Body Progress, Certainty and Patience


    2010 - 11.05

    Posted in Body, Growth, Quests, Weight | No Comments »

    this is a compilation of my FB updates chronicling the awesome body work I have been doing! I am also using LoseIt, an iPhone app that is a food and exercise journal with pretty graphs that awaken my RPG stat motivations! It has been really helpful watching myself get increasingly better at my health in a concrete way! In dedicating an hour of exercise and all day food awareness to myself, I have begun to appreciate my body in ways I never have before… and have in fact realized that while loosing the 75 pounds I need to lose (210 to 135, my old healthy weight circa 1998) is going to take a consistent lifestyle change over a good amount of time, it is now obvious that my body is going to bounce back without any problems as long as I take good care of it- and I am! So many things in my life are feeling this way to me now- my body, music school, my novel, Japanese, romance, friendships, children, money, adventure, career,  finding a place I love… all of my dreams are now framed in certainty and patience. Having achieved so much of what I “knew” was impossible years ago, my sense of self-efficacy has finally become realistic in relation to my abilities and potential (aka, I really do have what it takes to do anything I want in this life in a good enough way!)! This sense of myself is exactly what I wanted as the fruit of all the intensely difficult personal revolution I did over the past 7 years… I am in awe that this era has truly arrived! After braving the dark and doing what needed to be done, I am stepping into the light of my real life! I never thought I could feel this way. No, that’s not true… I had touched it a few times. I suppose I mean that I never thought I would be able to live here in this fulfilled and securely positive perspective. Comparing this to my writings years ago… wow.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild is so happy with her body! The opening and range of motion stretches I have been doing for my hips and knees are really working! I am now able to sit (with a bolster) with my knees bent to the outside, like this: ./\o/\. (my butt is the o and my feet are the .) My hips had gotten so tight that they used to slip partly out of joint if just one was in that position ( ././\\o ) so this is a huge accomplishment!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild and thanks to kung fu school for helping me learn the difference between “something is being injured” and “your body hasn’t done this since you were a baby but is totally designed for this” pain sensation!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild can totally feel the unbalancing effects of the high-simple-sugar foods she ate yesterday and today… time for a gentle cleanse to get rebalanced! Perfect for the new year!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild has learned that skipping even one day of her PT, even while taking good care of my body otherwise, results in way too much pain.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild The problem with eating so late is I am so hungry I eat too much, and then have to wait too long to digest before exercising or I feel sick… I wish I had time for a proper lunch at work or got home before 9:30!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild My PT needs are hard to meet- my rhomboids are so weak that they are almost impossible to target… doing rows, push ups, wall leans, etc are either too hard to do properly but when I execute one properly I can feel it, or I lessen the tension on the stretch tube and can do the action but I don’t feel anything… sigh… and if I don’t do my PT, boy am I sore and stiff and I can’t stand up straight… this will be an ongoing educational experience… Exercising wouldn’t be so bad if my muscles didn’t hurt so much…

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild Every day, forever, no matter what. October 14th!

    Elemental Balance


    2010 - 10.09

    Posted in Body, Weight | No Comments »

    I find how learning works to be fascinating. I can learn what looks like the same lesson on paper over and over, yet every time there is something more; a settling-in, a new angle… like rubbing antibacterial gel into a rough wound. Huh. That sounds gross, not actually the image in my mind. Curious. Anyway, this week’s learning is about balance.

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    the easy fight, the hard fight


    2010 - 09.27

    Posted in Body, Weight | No Comments »

    I may be a renowned warrior princess, but I much prefer the “steel yourself and manage to overcome impossible odds in one amazing transformation sequence” battles than these day-in, day-out long-term campaigns. My courage gets forgetful if things aren’t glorious enough.

    I have always been more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. People have been awed by the fierceness of my dedication and follow through on changes I’ve wanted to make in my life that required a level of make-over that many choose to never do. In the past few years I have made several amazing changes to my life, and each, not counting the years of training, preparation and gathering of support, took only a couple months. But longer than that and my fierceness seems to fade away. This last battle I have been fighting for 10 years, and I think it has become such a familiar fight that perhaps I am attached to the fight itself. The resolutions, the changes, and then a numb forgetting of my promises to myself… combined with a low level magical thinking that someday it will fix itself… despite all I have accomplished, I have the feeling that conquering this last quest, on the battlefield I find the most difficult, will represent the most success with the quietest manifestation. A curious phenomenon, not one I find appealing, but it is in the nature of the thing– no quick fix. Maybe I can find a way to wrap my head around it to appreciate this different sort of fight… or maybe I can learn to do something that doesn’t reward in glory.

    Professional Appearances


    2010 - 08.03

    Posted in Body, Chiba, Employment | No Comments »

    MORE PICS IN MEDIA SECTION

    So I am now living in a town called Yotsukaido, near Chiba city, and I am staying in the “guesthouse” for my new job’s company with a couple of other teachers until training is over. Training starts in 2 weeks on August 16th and I have until then to transform my wardrobe from funky rogue wanderer to professional teacher. Happily, I have the funds to do so through some serendipitous and generous combination of events. So the main quest is twofold: clothes, and hair. (more…)

    Getting honest about China


    2010 - 06.13

    Tags: , ,
    Posted in Body, China, Growth, Wudang | 3 Comments »

    There has been a pressure building since I arrived in Hong Kong that in my attempts to be mature, reasonable, politically correct and tough I have been suppressing. Thanks to a Yoko Kanno playlist inspired cry, I have remembered myself and my goals, and this has allowed me to get honest.

    I don’t like it here. I really enjoy the people at the school, foreigners and Chinese alike. And surprisingly, I enjoy the training sessions a lot. I thought they would be the aspect I would have to push through to allow myself to get what I want out of this experience, and they’re not. I am going at my own pace, a pace that I am setting for myself as slightly faster than I usually think is possible for myself (Piaget would be proud- ZPD), and I am meeting it. I am sore and muscle-exhausted, but feeling alive and accomplished after a session, and I am learning every moment—the training is exhilarating and rewarding and physically difficult but emotionally doable. I have complaints about the school, but they’re not a big deal; overall, everyone is kind and accommodating and supportive. I feel confident that I will be able to take 90% of what I have learned with me into my life, which was one of my main goals. I have learned that I don’t necessarily need a residential kung fu school to move me forward, but I can see at some point of fitness and expertise me wanting to do the residential route again. Overall, I am pleased with my experience at the school. It’s China I can’t stand.

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