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    Japan calls to me


    2012 - 01.07

    Japan calls to me.

    I needed to come home. I needed to remember that I had a home, that there were people who knew and loved me. I needed to share time with them, let my body recall closeness. These things I will need forever, and I will spend my life learning how to get closer to those I love, how to create a home and a life and walk through fire.

    There was a lot of walking through fire when I left in May 2010, but it had the sort of shoving-myself-from-behind feeling that I have learned means that it was based in illusion. I could only have learned the truth of this by returning. I have tried to capture the learning that I have done ever since I began to awaken to my life, ever since I made the choice to awaken- ever since I changed my name. This awakening comes in layers so fine they resist language.

    Walking through fire with unshakable purpose is new. I am no longer running from something. I am striding toward something. And this something seems to involve an awful lot of Japanese stuff.

    I am awakening to what Japan means to me. I no longer care if this feeling is overly romantic or irrational. Or rather, I am letting go of worrying that others think it is, because I know it’s not. Romance matters to me. It is essential to my happiness. And I am an exceedingly rational person, weaknesses and all.

    Pathologizing gets me nowhere, though it is my oldest habit to worry that I’m doing something wrong. I am learning to believe in myself, my way of living. I have strengths that only emerge when I accept my nature.

    I walk around Boston like I own the place. I do. I learned how to own a city from my brief, nervous adventures getting lost and frustrated in Tokyo. Boston is easy. This sense of competence and mastery feels right. It is my right to feel it. So for a while, I need to soak it up. I need to stay with this feeling of having a right to do what I love. Learning Japanese, kendo, singing, writing, making money, being with loved ones, romance… these sound like a lot of ‘do’, but if you know how I do things, then you know they are actually all ‘be’s. Being is energized for me.

    But then I am going to walk through fire again and do all the things that were below my threshold of tolerance before. All the experiences in Japan that I thought I had no right to do, I am going to do them. The life I was too insecure to build for myself there, I will. Being valued as unique in Boston has undone my ‘just another gaijin’ mentality that poisoned my efforts while living in Japan. When I return, I am going to go all out. The only question is when- the moment when the balance of the learning I am doing in Boston shifts toward the need to move forward in the areas that can only be accomplished in Japan.

    I am starting to understand the power of having a clear, defined goal and putting your all toward it. My goal is so simple I can point to it in my mind instantly, though putting it into words makes it sound needlessly complicated. Luckily, I’m the only one who needs to understand it fully.

    Life is surprisingly straightforward.

    167 lbs, size 12 and… boku wa kendoshi desu!


    2012 - 01.04

    When did this happen?! I’ve crossed the 170 barrier and dropped two clothes sizes since returning to the US. I can now shop in any clothing store I want. I no longer have to look for clothes with Xs on the label.

    I can’t help grinning like an idiot. I keep thinking I must be in one of those stretch mirrors. Where did it go? I have lost 50 pounds of the 70 I gained when I got married! Soon I will fully recognize myself again! Already my curves are returning to the arcs I remember. Thank the goddess for my amazing collagen!

    This is really going to happen! It’s not some miracle, I am doing it every day!

    I’m so happy that the ’secret’ to losing weight was simply finding the foods that my body desired and leaving behind the rest. It took years to learn how to listen since I had been so throughout numbed out, but now there’s no way I would ever shut myself down again! I feel alive!

    Also, I am now a kendoshi! My first kendo practice was this Thursday, wherein we did 2,012 overhead swings, or suburi. I made it all the way through! And I learned a ton. It hurts so much more if you do it wrong! Like any sport, I am realizing, it is designed to make use of the body’s natural way of doing things, thus why unlearning is probably the most difficult stage of learning. I can tell by the blisters and cramps that my posture will be fixed during my study of this art. So much better than pointless physical therapy exercises. This is going to be great. The footwork practice I did has left me with more aches than the arm work, which makes sense given that even my legendary shoulder-neck tension cannot match the ridiculous brute strength of my poor overworked calves. It’s relax or die. Perfect.

    ~

    These two developments combined to make some sleepless nights, just buzzing from the awesomeness that is coming into my life. At 214 pounds, married and miserable, in 2006… it was all I could do to dare to wish I might have my life back and set it on the path that was stolen from me when I made that series of stupid decisions when I was in college, even though I can’t imagine having been able to break free any earlier than I did given what I was up against. But now… now it is in sight. It is not just some theoretical dream. It is blossoming.

    and yes, I’ve decided i’m cool enough to use boku. we’ll see if I can pull it off with the native Japanese. ;P

    The Boundary


    2011 - 12.18

    In the last few weeks I have begun to study Japanese in a way I never have before. I am no longer intimidated by kanji and have returned to my original facination and love for the symbolic characters and the particular aesthetic themes they represent. Thanks to Mio’s gift of a calligraphy pen, I have begun to write kanji; for birthday cards, to hang on my wall, and today I wrote my first haiku. It all has the stumblings of a beginner but feels infinitely satisfying. I am also beginning to think in Japanese, and it feels more comfortable than my average thought in English. I am realizing just how much of the Japanese approach to life I have absorbed, or that was in me innately but is surfacing, especially now that I have left what I think of as my second homeland. I was watching my mind think and noticed that I had read about these sorts of thoughts before in Musashi and Yagyuu’s books on swordsmanship. I seem to be becoming Zen. That suits me just fine.

    These last few weeks I have been soaking up a new consciousness that is freeing me to accept things about myself and life that I resisted seeing before. They are all essentially positive things, but my tolerance for holding onto the things that matter to me has grown. And yet I am not gripping these things tightly. The word quiescence keeps coming to mind. And at the same time there is a not-unpleasant pain coloring this new way. My Western-trained brain leapt to the fear that it meant something was wrong with me or what I was doing even though this process felt so organically right. Here, again, I am grateful for other cultures’ paradigms. Just as it feels to me, in Zen what I am experiencing is actually a desirable aesthetic.

    Sabi: Asymmetrical, impermanent beauty; quiet elegance; acceptance of transience. A ‘positive sadness’; ‘detached loneliness’; ‘Beauty with a sense of loneliness in time’. (thanks http://www.michaelhaldane.com/HaikuLink.htm)

    While in this mind, I wrote the following passage, which successfully captures the flavor of my inner world in a way I have been unable to write before. For me, it seems, sabi and mushin (flow) are entwined.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (more…)

    Revelations of love and loneliness during the last few months in Japan


    2011 - 11.06

    I totally fail at updating. This is partially because I’m back in Boston, which is relatively familiar to all of you (at least compared to Asia), living the day-to-day work life that I assume you wouldn’t find terribly interesting- but more honestly, it is probably because my ponderings have been intensely personal since March or so. I am fairly open about my process on my blog, but the kinds of realizations I’ve had recently are still too tender to put out in the universe yet in more than a general fashion. They are almost all connected with love, a topic which part of me tried to keep me from processing until I knew I was completely safe. Apparently it took about two and a half years for me to find that part of myself. (more…)

    Birthday in… London?


    2011 - 08.04

    Where was I?

    This is actually posted on January 8, 2012 when I realized there was a month when I didn’t update at all. That’s because this was the month from hell. I ran out of money in Europe, to my infinite shame, barely got home and then was completely dependent on the charity of my friends for a month… and while I was able to find a job in only a few days, it is, even now, barely covering my expenses. I had to take out a $4000 personal loan to survive. And I was numb from reentry culture shock. My friends were all disgusted with me and I am still earning their trust back, and the relationship with my siblings was incredibly strained. I had to give up on music school (for now) because the financial aid proved impossible given my credit history. I spent two weeks in Nice, Paris and London and it might as well have been in a video game for all the impression it made on me. I was so afraid of starving that I was only able to allow the smallest amount of pleasure in.

    But the learning was rich, some of the richest I have done. Turning 32, I realized how much I was trying to literally have a second adolescence, as if I could actually go back to the moment when I sent the break up letter to Richard and step forward into the new era before me with the wisdom I had gained in the 13 years since. As if I could be 19 years old again and not go through all the pain of giving up on love and my future. “If I could do it all again, I would throw myself toward my dreams, even if I didn’t believe in myself yet, because now I know what I can do so I know I will make it.” So I threw myself to China, then to Japan, then to Music School via Europe and now here I’ve landed on my ass in Boston expecting my friends to pick up the pieces as if they were the parents I should have had to support me when I was 19. There was a lot of success, much more than there was failure, for sure. But it all felt like running, falling, shoving, flailing, forcing, hiding, pretending. Not all, that’s not fair to the moments I was awake. But I didn’t realize until I came home to Boston how much my trip had been a teenage rebellion against the limited existence of my post-Richard life. That’s fine. Everyone needs a rebellious stage. But now it is time for me to be an adult.

    The question is, how can I create the adult life worth living? A life that holds up to my ambitious expectations, overflowing with my reasons to live? And what is that subtle difference between this life and the rebellious one?

    I have some of the answers already. It would include money; enough money that the days of anxious paycheck waiting are behind me, that my debts are decreasing steadily like the weight I burned off my body. I wouldn’t be lonely; friends and loves and family would surround me. And I would feel like I was walking, not running; dancing, not dodging; touching, not flailing; confident, not afraid. Like I said, the life I have in mind is an ambitious one.

    But as I sit here today, 4 months after the date of this entry, contemplating moving back to Japan, I have to remember how it felt when I first came home, and I MUST make sure I am not running again.

    How can I return to Japan as an adult?

    Saying goodbye is so hard!


    2011 - 07.13

    Today I said goodbye to my favorite teenage class and it was really hard! Then one of my adult students gave me the manga to my favorite Ghibili movie and I nearly cried I was so happy that she remembered and ordered it and everything. Then Yoko-sensei realized that this was the last time we would be teaching on the same day and we said goodbye, too! and this was after all day of saying goodbye to class after class of my elementary age kids….

    I am probably going to gush like a fountain by Friday. I really have such warm feelings for so many of my students… I was so lucky to have a job where I spend most of the day grinning like an idiot, and even when things have gone to hell I’m still laughing my ass off! At least I know I love this job and maybe I can find a way to be a rock star and still work with Japanese youth. I know that really Japan is a country of humans like every other country of humans on this planet, but for me it is extra sparkly– the language is the language of love, the social conditioning contains some of my choice values, their sense of humor is just about perfect, their music is awesome, I am in awe of the character of its people… I am going to have to find ways to keep it in my life forever, because the idea that I might lose it is too hard.

    But for tonight, I have to finish packing, somehow. Dora, the new teacher is coming over tomorrow morning (in 12 hours) to see the apartment!

    Surpassing myself


    2011 - 07.08

    One of my friends from high school who heard me sing all the time, in hearing my demo of Lush Life, said I sounded better now than I did in high school. Secretly, I’d been wondering this myself, because I have no recordings of how I used to sound, but even having not sung for 10 years I have a suspicion that I couldn’t help but have learned more than I knew at 16. But his comment has rocked my world.

    Seriously, I suddenly had the thought that if that’s true, without realizing it I was limiting myself to “getting as good as I used to be” instead of considering surpassing myself! In getting in shape, too! Hmm… what would my motivation feel like if my goal was not a comparison to my ‘golden age’ but was creating a new and better golden age more awesome than I have yet experienced in my life?! Woah. *lets it soak in* That feels lusciously different!

    Thanks, Mike!

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)

    Fighting with Audacious Beauty


    2011 - 06.19

    Hearing that I won’t be able to get financial aid to attend music school catalyzed something in me that has been waiting a lifetime to awaken.
    Before I had even finished reading the letter, my mind was whirling with alternative plans- something that could make up for what was lost so I wouldn’t feel the pain of losing it. I am consciously holding off my grief until this news is confirmed, but I had actually given up on it the moment my brain processed what I had read… and maybe before. I saw “regret” and “loans” and already the inner voice ‘… not so bad, it was a nice idea but it doesn’t really matter, we’ll do something else just as awesome so it’s not such a big deal…’.
    That’s a lie.
    Going to music school, no, not just music school, but this music school and the city and country and area of the world and the university clubs and housing and language and proto-friends I have already found there- these are extremely important to me. They motivate me throughout my day. Even the tiniest daydreams of my life there are woven close to my heart. For eight months I have put everything into making this happen. I began to sing and listen to music again, worked through my inability to tolerate my own talent and promise as a musician, learned how to listen critically and lovingly to my own voice and performance, allowed others to support and acknowledge what this meant to me and for the course of my life, and most of all, I let myself dream with an audaciousness I had never tried before. Dreaming ‘big’ has always been natural to me ever since I was child, profoundly lonely and utterly alone; those dreams were my solace. But the dreams I am finding now are of a different sort- they are precious, fragile, tender creatures hidden in the shadows of myself that drive so much of my fierce integrity and love of life that to share them with others, let alone look them in the face, makes me afraid they will shatter simply from the knowledge that if I die without these experiences I will be incomplete, I will have missed my destiny, I will not have become myself. And going to BIMM has many, many of these precious threads woven into it. I was somewhat aware of them, but when my going to BIMM was suddenly threatened they stood out like lightning against the black.
    These dreams are not ones that can be substituted for other adventures. I can’t just let BIMM go because a seemingly insurmountable obstacle has appeared. Maybe I will not be able to reach the summit in time to attend this year, and if so, then I will figure out the best way to preserve the preciousness. But what really interests me is how I responded to this threat. When China turned out to not be what I had hoped, I changed my plans to Japan and executed them with only a relatively minimal amount of processing and was happy with the result even though I am not actively doing martial arts now. But there is something about what I associate with BIMM being threatened that elicited submission from me. It was as if the secret of what really mattered to me had been discovered and would be utterly destroyed as a matter of course until it was lost to me completely, with no chance of salvaging the essence of why I loved it so dearly and what it meant to me.
    I know why I have been conditioned to feel that way. I have spent the last six years working to understand why I carry such darkness with me in such contrast to my innate brightness. But now, having watched my reaction to this threatened loss, I am more interested in the effect than the cause. When I immediately began to imagine substitutes for that irreplaceable something, the feeling in my body was one of letting go after something has been yanked out of your grasp, turning your back on someone you want to embrace, apologizing after a fight when you think you were right, saying ‘I love you’ under coercion, forced smiles when you’re devastated, standing back up after getting knocked down only to walk away. It was giving up, surrender. These sensations live in my belly, my breasts, my shoulders, my buttocks. But there was a secondary feeling enveloping the surrender; one of inhibited running, punches held back, tears stuck in throat, tightness everywhere as if I need to hold my organs in with my muscles alone. These sensations run cold over my skin, and if I am very quiet in myself, I can feel the strength in my limbs screaming to be freed. I want to run, hit, yell, explode- but I hold perfectly still, perfectly unthreatening, perfectly tame. I am frozen, trapped between flight and fight with no hope of either resulting in greater safety. On the outside I am trying to morph myself into whatever the other needs me to be in order to decide I am not a threat, so they will go away, leaving me to deal with the debris of my dreams.
    I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend I am not a threat to fragile people. I can’t cower under the scrutiny of people who don’t see who I am. I can’t sell out what’s important to me for fear of being mocked. I can’t live my life like I have something to be ashamed of. I can’t compromise away the essence of who I am. I can’t morph myself into an extension of others. I can’t step down when my life is on the line. I can’t settle for pale comparisons of what I want. I can’t worry about offending assholes. I can’t treat myself as if I am unsafe person. I can’t lie to myself about what I am willing to fight for. I can’t spend energy on convincing others that I am a good person. I can’t talk myself out of working my ass off for the things that matter to me. I can’t confuse myself over the difference between violence and movement. I can’t give up anything else. I can’t. I literally can’t stand it anymore. I can’t deny that I am fire, and if you get in the way of my destiny, you are going down in flames.
    I am done fucking around. I am not a nun, I am a warrior. I am not lawful good, I am chaotic neutral. I am not waiting, I am living. I am not here for you, I am here for me. And I AM a threat to assholes and cowards and bullies and authority and denial and tradition and morality and religion and stupidity and repression and arbitrary limits and ignorance and spiritual bypass and hate and boredom and ambivalence and excessive virtue and silence and ugliness and evil and propriety and shame and cruelty and apathy and labels and abuse and laziness and fallacy and liars and tyrants and false empowerment and selfishness and negativity and asceticism and people who are easily startled. I will rock your worlds and I will not apologize.
    There is no fucking way I am going to look back when I’m dying and regret not doing the things I could have done if only I had summoned the courage to step over that line between comfortable and audacious. I can SEE the uninhibited life right in front of me. Even if it means leaving everyone else behind, I must do this. I must find out what it’s like when I get out of my own way.
    So I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to BIMM in the fall, but it will not be because I accepted defeat.
    I am not frozen, and I am not fleeing.
    I am fighting.

    And here is a painting of my rainbow fire aura to remind me of it.

    Rainbow Flames, the aura of the fighter.

    Tanoshikatta! 楽しかった!


    2011 - 06.12

    I had an amazingly fun night out with Yukihiro Hamada, Chris May, Saori Muranaka, Nozomi Kitadai, Anthony Gerard Odtohan, Mio and a bunch of other amazing ningen!

    Favorite moment: An elderly student of Chris’ saying “kono bishoujo” gesturing to me by mistake, then seeing it was me and saying “chi gau!” Everyone laughed and said “chi gau ja nai!” and I couldn’t stop laughing for ages!

    Translation- he referred to me as a beautiful woman when he was talking about someone who had been standing there a moment before, and when he saw it was a different person he said “wrong/different!”… which was easy to interpret as if he just discovered that I wasn’t beautiful after all! Then everyone stuck up for me saying it wasn’t wrong to say I was beautiful. Hilarity.

    This guy also asked me to sing the Star Spangled Banner for him and was like really moved when i did. he was quite an interesting experience.
    :)

    I’m sad that Yukihiro (one of the managers at my school) is leaving as he’s my only real Japanese friend and tons of fun, but he’s moving up in the world so I wish him the best. Chris has been gone for many weeks and Tuesdays just aren’t the same, but since I will be leaving soon anyway, it almost makes it easier since it can’t be helped that they’re gone; sho ga nai. BUT! We promised to out to karaoke together before I leave so I mustn’t get shy and miss that opportunity!

    Returning from silence


    2011 - 05.24

    So only a few days after submitting my music school applications my netbook self-destructed. I kind of forgot about the internet cafe next door to me and so waited patiently for a friend to put ubuntu on a usb stick so i could retrieve my data and restore. but now that is done (though the original problem still exists so i can’t move the lid or it reboots and will corrupt the boot file again…) i got all my data safely off and have something larger than 3″ to type on again. But soon my sister will be sending me the new powerbook i’ve ordered through berklee so I will have a new toy to write music on! yay!

    It has been so long since I have posted I don’t know where to start. I have been writing in notebooks like crazy since my computer died and it’s been totally nostalgic of junior high when I filled 16 notebooks with Darkwing Duck fanfic. My novel is going really well and I am learning a ton about myself in the process; my fear of anger and violence that is making all my characters sound like goodie two shoes, the true extent of my obsession with hair, my love of explaining things well, and a ton about my experience of romance, sexuality and beauty. In order to get to know my main characters, I am writing almost a full prequel about how they met- 19 years before the main story starts, and it is fascinating. I seem to have unearthed my particular style of falling in love and I think it’s awesome, and in perfect time for dating when I get to Brighton. But realizing everyone would not relate to falling in love this way is making the romances I’m writing extra fun to play with. technique-wise, I am simultaneously challenged by being able to express myself with precision and in expanding beyond my own truths to build variety into my story. I love this work.

    And it is really the first thing in my life that I have truly practiced. I never used to write drafts or even revise, really. I was so sensitive to my own criticism that I would create something that given my innate talents was reasonably good compared to average, and then I would leave it alone and pretend I didn’t care if I could have made it better given more work (and self-honesty). If the thing I created didn’t even meet those standards, it got thrown away. But never have I just written to try and get whatever morsel I was aiming to express down on the page the best I could. Most of what I write reads like mediocre fanfic, and for the first time in my life I’m fine with that, because every now and then a phrase or image or line is so close to that spark of inspiration flitting behind my mind that I feel blessed with even the amount of talent I have- and for the first time I am not wishing I was a prodigy… I am looking forward to the crafting of this extension of myself. I think this shift is going to make all the difference in my creative endeavors, and whether I can make it as a professional musician. But even just in the moment, it gives me untold pleasure.

    On the food and weight front I’ve been having a similar journey. I gained back about 7 pounds since hitting 180. I was definitely shaken up by my success and, actually, how easy it was. All I had to do was do things that felt great and then I would feel even greater and then it snowballed into super great time. But when I hit 180 and my body really began to feel so much like how it used to when I was fit… I guess I wasn’t quite ready and I back pedaled. Completely stopped being active and started eating crap again… it was bizarre. Then I tried to bully myself into doing my program again, telling myself that if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t be where I wanted when school started. It was ingeniously framed as motivational and empowering, but really it was just fear and future-tripping… black and white. I had forgotten about the joy I was feeling every day, in the present, at living an active and healthy life and feeling pretty every day. Well, thank the goddess, I finally remembered and have found my style again, and again it is easy. I bet that the next time it gets hard again, it will be because my old conditioning has slowly morphed my pleasure-oriented motivations into fear-and-shame-oriented self-bullying again. I am going to keep a look out for that, because it just doesn’t work, and it’s stressful as all hell. So the weight I regained is mostly gone and I’m on my way back down again, but that was a rough six weeks. Actually, writing about my philosophy through designing a culture in my novel has really helped me. As if a fictional group of people I designed somehow externally validate how I want to live my own life. Go figure. Maybe that’s what makes me a sci-fi/fantasy type person. Fiction is like distilled reality for me. Those of you who understand this will understand. And with that tautology, I end for now.

    180! I haven’t been this weight since 2000!


    2011 - 04.10

    Oh my goddesses et al.!

    I now weigh 180. I have lost 30 pounds since October. That is 43% of my weight loss goal of 140, my healthy athletic weight before I gained the 70 pounds in 2000-2001. 

    I am the lightest I have been in 12 years!!!!!!
    I am really doing it! I am getting my body back! *swoons*

    Clear on Food!


    2011 - 01.17

    Stepping most of the way to raw veganism, because it’s completely obvious that’s what needs to change to repair my health. After years of being inspired but intimidated by the raw food lifestyle, I finally have enough practice listening to my body to give it what it’s been asking for! Turns out it’s common sense, and all those experts can keep their sprouted avocado dehydrated flax carob cake gourmet raw recipes. I love produce I can recognize! Found a great book called 80/10/10 that validates what I’ve experienced around my various sensitivities and is helping me learn more about how to support myself in eating the way I need to! Finally! :D

    Added after reading the book today:

    Besides being overweight, the other main food-oriented discomfort is that my skin has always been incredibly sensitive to oils, no matter what their form. Almost immediately after eating something with oils (even if it is not ‘oily’, like fried food) my face begins to itch, I become flushed and oil starts to be excreted from my pores. It is so uncomfortable I usually have to wash my face a few times during the next hour or so until it is not distracting. I like to think I my skin is particularly efficient at filtering, but more likely the toxins from years of eating crap has screwed up my homeostasis so that this is a symptom of a more system-wide issue. Over the years I have eliminated overt oils and fats to various degrees (meat, dairy, frying) but although I felt best as a full vegan in 2007 (and lost 30 pounds) eating cooked foods makes oil very difficult to avoid. Also, I have heard so many times that fats/oil is necessary that I have been worried about reducing it too far, similar to my battle with protein. For years I have secretly wished that I could ‘get away’ with a diet of mainly fresh produce- I never understood the need to replicate the standard american diet-style foods with different ingredients- because only after eating a meal of only produce did I ever feel “clean” afterwards. I reliably have indigestion of various sorts after eating grains… even brown rice leaves me uncomfortable, as does soy and anything ‘creamy’ textured, regardless of ingredients. So I thought that if I could just stop eating things made with any kind of grains, meats, overt fats and anything creamy then my system would finally relax enough to let my body’s healing do its job. This would be a really low-fat raw vegan style design, and I had never seen something like that. But that really only leaves me with produce, and many people already reacted strongly when I went vegan because I would become malnourished. So I overwrote my body’s messages and kept some semblance of the standard  diet, while my skin and weight and digestive issues remained the same.

    I am totally over that now. I’m not sure why, but something about reverting back to a less healthy way of eating while my sister was in Japan this month finally sent a foundation-shaking message of “I’M DONE WITH EATING THIS CRAP AND FEELING HORRID” though my system, followed by, “I DON’T CARE IF PEOPLE FREAK OUT, I AM ONLY GOING TO EAT THE THINGS THAT WORK FOR MY BODY.” With this new conviction, I went online to look for resources to give me some guidance on how to pull this off smartly, as it would suck to aim for greater health only to make my system more toxified. And, thanks to a random reviewer on Amazon, I found the 80/10/10 book, with I ordered with free overnight delivery and read today. I almost couldn’t believe how much the author had asked the same questions about food that I had, and that his answers were a more detailed version of what I had decided to do! I am so grateful. AND this is the first time I have read a book on nutrition where I felt I was in the seat of power, that I was looking for tools for me to use on my quest, instead of being told what to do for fear of some dreaded result. I mean, malnutrition really only happens if you are starving, not just if you haven’t eaten enough bites of meat– duh. All this excitement over something so common sense is ridiculous. I am taking the fear-mongering out of feeding myself. I am pumped! I can’t imagine what I would rather do than eat produce all day! I don’t even like salads because I would rather make a ‘cold-plate’ of all the veggies and fruits as finger food! So eating fruits and veggies as nature intended them just makes perfect sense to me. I am so relieved to know that my body’s messages really were right and that by just eating a few nuts a day I can meet my need for fat and oils, and that plant protein is sufficient. And finally, in a good enough way, I have a plan to meet my needs that I only need to allow myself to do naturally! This has been a long, long time in coming. I know, that by listening to my body and trusting myself that my body will stabilize at my proper weight and my skin will be glowing and I will feel light and energized– more than I even remember from my teens! Oh, and even before switching to raw, I have lost 16 pounds since October! Regular exercise is an absolute must for my body… and since I won’t be eating lethargic-making foods, my activity will increase, too! I almost can’t believe that I’ve given myself permission to… live fully!

    Winter Singing Gig!


    2010 - 12.13

    Having mentioned that I was a jazz singer, my boss asked me to sing at the company party today! I sang:

    • Let it snow
    • White Christmas
    • Winter Wonderland
    • The Christmas Song
    • I’ve got my love to keep me warm

    It was a great experience. Everyone complimented me earnestly and I really enjoyed myself. It was great to be up on stage again, and especially considering the weird issues with dehydration I’ve had recently, I am happy with my performance. One person said that they didn’t think the audience truly appreciated what an artist they had in front of them, and that really gave me the confidence to apply to music school. I am realizing, once again, that many people literally can’t hold a tune, many people have pitch but no control or expression, and the fact that I can do what I can do is a rare talent that I should never take for granted. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I loved music the way I do but hadn’t been gifted with the voice I have. I should sing every day as a celebration of my fortune! And while being on stage I also remembered the aspects of my singing that I have always wanted to improve; my shy body movements during instrumentals, my confidence in belting and chest voice, my willingness to woo the audience and take myself seriously… all of the work I have done on myself in general is contributing to these areas, and the idea that in the near future I will be able to focus exclusively on becoming the best singer I can be is just a dream come true!

    Then, after the party, a bunch of us went out to this cute bar and then to karaoke, where I sang Iron Maiden, Nightwish and some awesome classic duets with my new friends. I’m glad we did the karaoke AFTER my gig because I completely killed my voice being Bruce Dickenson, but ‘Bring your daughter to the slaughter’ was really satisfying, and Wishmaster was just hilarious as always– apparently my air guitaring was impressive because I got cheers for rocking out. I so need to learn that instrument when I am at rock school. It was so refreshing to hang out with other people (at all) and also to hear their Japanese… truly inspiring about what is possible. As soon as I am done applying for music schools I am going to throw myself in to learning as much Japanese as possible before I leave this awesome country. I had an awesome time with Dave, Kevin, Vanessa, Erin, Corey, Jack and I’m sure some other peeps I am forgetting! I hope we can continue to hang out together as much as possible! Though it is always a challenge to balance all my personal quests with a social life, since I spend every non-working waking moment writing, singing, studying or exercising. Oh, what a life! and Katherine will be here in 9 days! I am so happy!

    Also, I need to give myself full props for having the courage to wear a sexy bright red size 10 dress given my body issues! But I just couldn’t be a jazz singer without a sexy dress. Seeing the video is a reality check for both how much I really am going to love being in shape again AND how much more in touch with my body I am now than I’ve ever been, even when I was my proper weight, because of all the work I’ve been doing. This week my food groove was off because it suddenly got cold and my body’s needs shifted, but next week I have a better idea of how to do a winter version of my food routine, so alls well. I also got support about my weight and healthy lifestyle from Dave and Corey, which was awesome. Also got to chat about queer stuff with Dave, which was so therapeutic… I hadn’t realized how much I missed my usual dose of gay, and it was nice to be out to real humans instead of pretending to be Joe American at school. All in all, this day was fantastic!

    Body Progress, Certainty and Patience


    2010 - 11.05

    this is a compilation of my FB updates chronicling the awesome body work I have been doing! I am also using LoseIt, an iPhone app that is a food and exercise journal with pretty graphs that awaken my RPG stat motivations! It has been really helpful watching myself get increasingly better at my health in a concrete way! In dedicating an hour of exercise and all day food awareness to myself, I have begun to appreciate my body in ways I never have before… and have in fact realized that while loosing the 75 pounds I need to lose (210 to 135, my old healthy weight circa 1998) is going to take a consistent lifestyle change over a good amount of time, it is now obvious that my body is going to bounce back without any problems as long as I take good care of it- and I am! So many things in my life are feeling this way to me now- my body, music school, my novel, Japanese, romance, friendships, children, money, adventure, career,  finding a place I love… all of my dreams are now framed in certainty and patience. Having achieved so much of what I “knew” was impossible years ago, my sense of self-efficacy has finally become realistic in relation to my abilities and potential (aka, I really do have what it takes to do anything I want in this life in a good enough way!)! This sense of myself is exactly what I wanted as the fruit of all the intensely difficult personal revolution I did over the past 7 years… I am in awe that this era has truly arrived! After braving the dark and doing what needed to be done, I am stepping into the light of my real life! I never thought I could feel this way. No, that’s not true… I had touched it a few times. I suppose I mean that I never thought I would be able to live here in this fulfilled and securely positive perspective. Comparing this to my writings years ago… wow.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild is so happy with her body! The opening and range of motion stretches I have been doing for my hips and knees are really working! I am now able to sit (with a bolster) with my knees bent to the outside, like this: ./\o/\. (my butt is the o and my feet are the .) My hips had gotten so tight that they used to slip partly out of joint if just one was in that position ( ././\\o ) so this is a huge accomplishment!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild and thanks to kung fu school for helping me learn the difference between “something is being injured” and “your body hasn’t done this since you were a baby but is totally designed for this” pain sensation!!!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild can totally feel the unbalancing effects of the high-simple-sugar foods she ate yesterday and today… time for a gentle cleanse to get rebalanced! Perfect for the new year!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild has learned that skipping even one day of her PT, even while taking good care of my body otherwise, results in way too much pain.

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild The problem with eating so late is I am so hungry I eat too much, and then have to wait too long to digest before exercising or I feel sick… I wish I had time for a proper lunch at work or got home before 9:30!

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild My PT needs are hard to meet- my rhomboids are so weak that they are almost impossible to target… doing rows, push ups, wall leans, etc are either too hard to do properly but when I execute one properly I can feel it, or I lessen the tension on the stretch tube and can do the action but I don’t feel anything… sigh… and if I don’t do my PT, boy am I sore and stiff and I can’t stand up straight… this will be an ongoing educational experience… Exercising wouldn’t be so bad if my muscles didn’t hurt so much…

    Sequoia Rainbow Eowyn Wild Every day, forever, no matter what. October 14th!

    Elemental Balance


    2010 - 10.09

    I find how learning works to be fascinating. I can learn what looks like the same lesson on paper over and over, yet every time there is something more; a settling-in, a new angle… like rubbing antibacterial gel into a rough wound. Huh. That sounds gross, not actually the image in my mind. Curious. Anyway, this week’s learning is about balance.

    (more…)

    FAQ


    2010 - 09.30

    I don’t remember which travelling book I read about this in, but there is a phenomenon somewhat like the Sci Fi faster-than-light-speed-travel issue with long term, long distance travel. In faster than light (FTL) travel, the timeline of a person travelling at FTL and their loved one who stayed on Earth is often compared: a 1 month trip at FTL could take the same amount of objective time as years of the non-traveling person’s life. Many Sci Fi stories have used this unique situation to explore relationships between people with increasingly different ages: imagine trying to explain to someone who had seen you a week ago of their time all of what had happened in the years of your life. “Mundane” global travel works similarly in some ways. The person who is off traveling is experiencing a highly intense sensory experience, and thus must do a lot of processing on the fly. In addition, if they are in the linguistic minority, they are most likely only processing with themselves. Since before the trip, they were used to being in constant contact with their support group, sharing their process in somewhat live time. But while on a journey, that contact, and thus the access to the traveler’s thoughts, becomes a sporadic and somewhat highly condensed snapshot of the traveler’s actual process. The book I read about this warned of the effects of this phenomenon. Well thought out and reasonable decisions might seem compulsive or contradictory to those not traveling, and might cause concern. Unfortunately, it seems I and my support group have fallen victim to this phenomenon! My announcements regarding going to music school and possibly returning to the US has been met with confusion and shock, since I did not think to compensate for what I am now calling the FTL Effect. Enough of my peeps have asked the same sort of questions that we now have:

    Sequoia’s Frequently Asked Questions!!!

    (more…)

    the easy fight, the hard fight


    2010 - 09.27

    I may be a renowned warrior princess, but I much prefer the “steel yourself and manage to overcome impossible odds in one amazing transformation sequence” battles than these day-in, day-out long-term campaigns. My courage gets forgetful if things aren’t glorious enough.

    I have always been more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. People have been awed by the fierceness of my dedication and follow through on changes I’ve wanted to make in my life that required a level of make-over that many choose to never do. In the past few years I have made several amazing changes to my life, and each, not counting the years of training, preparation and gathering of support, took only a couple months. But longer than that and my fierceness seems to fade away. This last battle I have been fighting for 10 years, and I think it has become such a familiar fight that perhaps I am attached to the fight itself. The resolutions, the changes, and then a numb forgetting of my promises to myself… combined with a low level magical thinking that someday it will fix itself… despite all I have accomplished, I have the feeling that conquering this last quest, on the battlefield I find the most difficult, will represent the most success with the quietest manifestation. A curious phenomenon, not one I find appealing, but it is in the nature of the thing– no quick fix. Maybe I can find a way to wrap my head around it to appreciate this different sort of fight… or maybe I can learn to do something that doesn’t reward in glory.

    I’m going back to music school!


    2010 - 09.21

    I am remembering myself. Somehow, the intense personal work I have done over the past 5 years to find and free myself has finally brought me to the place I knew I would end up… actively pursuing the path indicated by my brief years of happiness before my dark time set in: 16-17, when everyone knew I was a musician, an artist, a hippy, a lover, a poet-writer, a beauty, a glorious spark full of color and energy. I knew what my dreams were, and I believed in myself. I was in love and that love encouraged me to move forward and attain my dreams at any cost. I was both accomplishing the most I ever had and was the most relaxed and rested that I had ever been. It was a golden time for me, and I learned so much about who I was and what I wanted in my life from this time. (more…)

    Teaching has become manageable!


    2010 - 09.14

    Just a quick post to say that teaching has now become doable. It is no longer eating my every waking hour and giving me nightmares. I ride my new folding bike to school, prep in the space between classes, teach increasingly better, then ride home and do my ‘real’ life. So the crazy time has passed and I am spending a lot of time focusing on my novel and other awesome projects that I will mention in a later post.

    Second week so much better already


    2010 - 09.07

    Today I feel proud of myself, accomplished and competent! This weekend I made myself relax and not prep, as I had prepping burn out and wasn’t really retaining anything. So after deciding to prep in a general sense, and use the little pauses in class to insto-prep, my classes were all successful, I didn’t make my bosses nervous by seeming unsure about the schedule, and I taught the best I have so far. So yay for relaxing! And tonight I didn’t bring home the books to prep with at all. Now I get dinner and am going to watch something. Only down thing was battling ants when I got home- apparently you have to have covered garbage cans, so shopping time! And I was able to scare the ants away with incense and rubbing lavender deodorant all over their tracks, so my hippie sensibilities are intact. bbye!

    First week of teaching


    2010 - 09.05

    I am so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I forgot how much the learning curve of a new teaching job sucks the life out of me. I begin to forget that I am anything but a teacher, and have any responsibilities or rights outside of being a teacher. I have 28 classes a week with over 75 students across 11 different curricula (4 main categories). Each of the 4 categories of curricula has a specific formula for delivering content, rituals for each transition in class, and even verbal patterns that the kids depend on for knowing what is expected. I learned in my first kids’ class that they literally only know the vocabulary, sentence patterns and instructions that they have been taught before: the difference between an ESL environment (where English is spoken around them outside of class) and the EFL environment that is Japan. I had understood this intellectually during my training, but the impact on the classroom environment is staggering. So much of what I do to entertain my native English students in my previous schools just confuse the poor students here. And I am learning quickly that “sit down” will always result in them sitting, while “have a seat” makes them all look at me funny. (more…)

    Professional Appearances


    2010 - 08.03

    MORE PICS IN MEDIA SECTION

    So I am now living in a town called Yotsukaido, near Chiba city, and I am staying in the “guesthouse” for my new job’s company with a couple of other teachers until training is over. Training starts in 2 weeks on August 16th and I have until then to transform my wardrobe from funky rogue wanderer to professional teacher. Happily, I have the funds to do so through some serendipitous and generous combination of events. So the main quest is twofold: clothes, and hair. (more…)

    Friendship


    2010 - 07.30

    I am grateful that my travels have given me the opportunity to ponder and experiment with one of the main topics I want to explore: friendship. What does it mean to be a friend? Are there criteria? Who chooses the criteria? Who judges the fitness? Is it a completely mutual process (do all parties have to agree on terms in order to move forward)? Or can one person decide that their relationship constitutes friendship and act accordingly? Is it really so shameful if intimacy is assumed too soon? Or is it worth taking the risk for fear of losing opportunities? Is being considered a friend ever truly an insult? Or conversely, is it always a compliment to be treated as a friend? (more…)

    I lost my itouch!


    2010 - 07.24

    I am so pissed and sad! I even heard it fall out of it’s pocket and hit the door of the taxi as I was getting in, but at the time I thought it was just my backpack hitting the door. I realized it was missing like 1 minute later because I had just been reading a book on it and wanted to get back to it. I looked everywhere in the taxi, and when I got to my hostel and couldn’t find it, I asked the taxi driver to take me back to the train station and he wouldn’t! I was shocked! So I had to track down another taxi, but when I got there it wasn’t on the ground. I found a police officer and went through the process of getting someone who spoke English on the phone, walking around trying to find the police station and filing a report. Hopefully whoever picked it up will contact me by the email address that is on the wallpaper, but I made it decorative, and I’m afraid the amount of English might intimidate someone and they won’t see the email address. I don’t know.

    I used that thing a million times every day, for reading books and playing games, taking notes that are now gone, using the map app to find my way around and, of course, my entire music collection. My laptop doesn’t have the music on it, either- it’s only on the hard drive with my friend in Boston. and i just downloaded robot unicorn attack on it, too! :P

    hopefully my travel insurance will reimburse me, but as it was essentially my fault, I’m not sure.

    ~~~~~~~ additional~~~~~~~~~

    After thinking about why this has affected me so much, I realized that the itouch was the only consistent thing that I interacted with every day, and shared my experiences with, really. In a sense, I think it was a surrogate friend to me in that it was the object that I sent my attention toward in each event each day. Without my itouch to ‘talk to’, sudden loneliness came over me as the shield of knowing my distance from my loved ones dissolved. Knowing this, I am feeling a lot better about the loss- at least I understand why I was kicking myself so hard for losing it. Perhaps it was anger at myself for choosing to leave my loved ones behind for this journey, which I still probably haven’t properly mourned. My social life has always been somewhat of a paradox, having been used to isolation as a child and yet still loving human intimacy so much. Being alone in Japan without my close friends is going to be harder on me than I realized. As I start to let in not seeing them for so long, the dream of living internationally starts to lose its lustre a bit. I’ve only been away for two months so far. It’s not always a longing for them, an emotion of missing them… rather it is like a hole in myself, and I can feel along the boundaries that something is missing, those little moments of fellowship that filled my days in Boston. I hadn’t known how much those would mean to me, especially as I was used to be alone for so long during my foundational years. During that time, I had my dog, Ginger, who was my best friend and, although brilliant for a dog, was simple enough to project my companionship needs on to. I did a similar thing with my baby siblings, too. Did I do something similar with my PDA? It makes me laugh to think so, and yet being without it there is a semblance of that same loss.

    Well, at least it gives me an excuse to get the new iPhone when I buy a cell phone for Japan!

    It’s not authentic if I don’t post about the bad stuff, too.


    2010 - 07.05

    ug. today sucks. i am hiding in the common floor of the hostel i stayed at this weekend hoping they don’t notice that i checked out this morning so I can use their wifi and sleep on the couch for a couple days until my next paycheck posts. i have $20 to my name but i can’t take out the money because the smallest denomination in the ATM is more than i have in my account. so i literally have no money (a couple bucks in change) and the only food i have left is 1 piece of bread and some PB and jam. so i have been applying for every job i can find but none of them would start now, anyway (they all start the last week of august). i don’t know how i’m going to have money after 2 more weeks when my unemployment runs out. i’m pretty scared. and the WWOOF season is pretty full, too, so the hosts i have been spamming can’t take me either, which would be a free way to hang out until i get hired, and then i could just spend my last unemployment check on transportation… ug, but i would need transportation to the job, too. sucks. the money ‘wasted’ on china is really going to bite me in the ass. and i still have so much to learn about shoestringing it but have no time for a learning curve. i don’t really know how to do this all above board, but many of the people i respect for their vagabonding are somewhat ethically grey pragmatists, so maybe i just need to stop being so puritan about it. not sure yet, but i am going to need to get creative. maybe it will just suck for these 2 days and then i will have another check that i can do better with. but only 2 more left after that. also, i have no interview clothes. i really hope i can get a job, otherwise i am going to have to… come home? i don’t think there is anywhere else i am more employable than here right now. again, sucks.

    to kill time i have spent this weekend rewatching Evangelion, and am now catching up on the movies that were relased after the series, the last one just this year. there are posters all over the place for it, so i feel like i am catching up on the big thing in japan right now. however, this anime is one of the darkest, most distressing, overhaul by trauma pieces of media ever created, so my mood is very possibly being dragged into the land of melancholy by all the existential issues surfacing. but last night i wrote a very clear piece of prose on my old relationship, which, given that the theme of Evangelion could be considered as the boundaries between hearts and bodies and souls, seemed apt. so melancholy usually gives me permission to let in my own thoughts on topics that i can’t face in the day to day, so it is useful to me. and i’m not despairing, for all that i have reason to. i’m in japan, and i haven’t died yet with all the bad stuff i’ve gone through, so I will manage to work this out is some weird, sequoia-esque way as usual. i just don’t know what it’s going to look like yet and that has me nervous. i wish i could have more control than i have, but i think i have literally applied to every TEFL position posed on the web at this point, but i’m looking for more.

    the good news is, the more creative i get at surviving in japan with no money, the more real adventures i will have, and the more interesting my blog will be. so you have that to look forward to.

    time to think about what services are in place for baka gaijin who run out of money…

    Protected: After “The Kung Fu Kid” Dialogue


    2010 - 06.24

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    Getting honest about China


    2010 - 06.13

    There has been a pressure building since I arrived in Hong Kong that in my attempts to be mature, reasonable, politically correct and tough I have been suppressing. Thanks to a Yoko Kanno playlist inspired cry, I have remembered myself and my goals, and this has allowed me to get honest.

    I don’t like it here. I really enjoy the people at the school, foreigners and Chinese alike. And surprisingly, I enjoy the training sessions a lot. I thought they would be the aspect I would have to push through to allow myself to get what I want out of this experience, and they’re not. I am going at my own pace, a pace that I am setting for myself as slightly faster than I usually think is possible for myself (Piaget would be proud- ZPD), and I am meeting it. I am sore and muscle-exhausted, but feeling alive and accomplished after a session, and I am learning every moment—the training is exhilarating and rewarding and physically difficult but emotionally doable. I have complaints about the school, but they’re not a big deal; overall, everyone is kind and accommodating and supportive. I feel confident that I will be able to take 90% of what I have learned with me into my life, which was one of my main goals. I have learned that I don’t necessarily need a residential kung fu school to move me forward, but I can see at some point of fitness and expertise me wanting to do the residential route again. Overall, I am pleased with my experience at the school. It’s China I can’t stand.

    (more…)

    Fourth Day of Training


    2010 - 06.07

    Yesterday, on my third day of training, my spirits were back up. I had more “jaio” (sp; focus/energy/heart/power) and started breaking into that realm of training where I began to see where things were headed. So it felt good, and the pain from the previous day wasn’t exactly faded, but it had changed to something that felt productive. However, during the second training session I had to run to the bathroom because the water had finally caught up with me. Luckily I had a prescription for that, but until it kicked in I had to run to the bathroom every few minutes, so no second practice for me. Then, this morning, I wanted to be sure it was taken care of since the practice area is a 10 minute walk from here and I knew I wouldn’t make it if the problem wasn’t solved. So I am averaging 1 practice session a day, which, honestly. I’m fine with. My main problem is missing my new friends by staying alone in my room, but they are so welcoming and accepting that it doesn’t look like I’m ostracizing myself too much by being the problem child. Speaking of which, I poured water at a rolling boil all over my right hand this morning while trying to make breakfast! The electric kettle caught on its base and I poured it all over me, luckily not on my laptop which was way too close. So I have been sitting with my hand in a bowl all day, and in fact brought it to practice so that at the end of every kick line I could soak it until it was my turn.  (more…)

    First two days of training…


    2010 - 06.05

    It is taking all my self-control not to run away. Really. Everything hurts, the food makes my stomach turn, everything is weird and depressing if I think about it too much, and I only understand what a select group of people are saying. Living in China is not at all what I had geared myself up for. The people are great; fun, supportive, friendly and serious about learning kung fu. Just who I wanted to be with here. My body and mind are learning so much about themselves and kung fu- I can’t believe I’ve only attended 3 training sessions. As I explained to some costudents today- my goals are to 1) not injure myself, and 2) don’t quit. (more…)

    On the plane to Hong Kong


    2010 - 05.26

    I am in awe. I have discovered that the healthy closure process of leaving for a long time is a little like how I imagine faking your own death and attending your memorial service would be. My friends have used this opportunity to express their appreciation, respect, admiration and love for me. Whatever part of me still doubts that I am valued, that I mean something to the people around me, that I effect the lives of those I care about, that I live in people’s hearts, that I am a good person… this part has mainly melted away during these past few weeks. Seeing the tears in the eyes of my loved ones was almost too much to let in, but as I allow myself to stay in heart-to-heart with them, it becomes obvious that we would have this kind of connection because of who we are and what I know in my own heart about my love for them. What a gift to receive undeniable proof of being loved by so many wonderful people! It opens my own heart to my own love for myself, which in turn gives me permission to not hold myself back in engaging ever deeper with the Self that both they and I love. While many aspects of this journey could be described as spiritual, I conceive of it in a less heady way… it is really only about love. When I took Love as my seventh middle name I feared I was being presumptuous- especially given that I feel that I have only truly learned (remembered?) what true love is in the past few years. But it is not presumptuous at all. I know exactly what love is, and I know how to live it, even if I am out of practice in many areas of my life, and even if refining my acquisition techniques will be a lifelong practice. And I’ve come to understand something else about myself- I love beauty above all. I feel the most ‘right’ when I am surrounded in beauty, when I let beauty into my heart, when I act with beauty, when I am beautiful. And the most beautiful feeling of all is integrity- when my insides match my outsides, when I align my life with my true self. This requires the work of continuous discovery of my truth in tandem with building skills to create a customized life. I love this work. This work is beautiful. So these three guiding concepts- integrity, beauty, love- are my compass for happiness in this life. That I have figured this out is miracle enough- that I have a growing number of inner circle friends who know and love this about me swells my heart. (more…)

    11 days until Hong Kong!


    2010 - 05.16

    When I really let in that I am really selling or donating all of my belongings except for the one backpack I am taking with me and the 10 bins of keepsakes that friends are going to hold onto for me, I get alternating shivers of nervousness and excitement that is a fascinating sensation. I have started the goodbye process with my brother and sister and closest friends, and, strangely, I think I am handling this the best of anyone- but I guess I’m the one about to fill my life with novelty, so that makes sense. It’s not like I will be bored! I’m sure travelling by myself will be lonely sometimes, especially as I want to share things with the people that are 12,000 miles away (exactly halfway around the world- as far from them as I could get!), but it is also handy that spending so much time alone as a child will have its payoffs in regard to a well-practiced imagination. I am shocked that I have been able to save almost $3000 by selling my stuff, with more money next year after I file the donations with my taxes. With what I have in the bank I am sure to have an awesome first leg of this adventure.

    The other realization that keeps washing over me is that, in 3 weeks, I will be studying kung fu on a mountain with a badass sifu (master). Having never studied martial arts before (and with the specific body issues I am working through), I have many insecurities about whether I will be able to handle the intensity of the training, complicated by the cultural learning that will be filling my brain at the same time. I am strengthened by the sifu’s supportive encouragement about my health concerns, and I’m sure he will be able to help me find that balance between not selling myself short and pushing myself too hard. I also have to listen to my own body, and I am looking forward to the luxury of learning all the nuanced messages my body has been trying to tell me but I was unable/unwilling to hear before. This time of concentrated reverence for my physicality, libido (in all of the Jungian/Ancient Greek sense), and power/force/aggression/boundaries  is going to be revelatory for me; one of the main topics I will be posting about to get support processing and celebrating insights. I have been so blessed with my ’sparky’ loved ones and their ability to grow and accept and love… I don’t plan on losing contact with them! And infinite admiration for my (much younger) siblings and their ability to work out 98% of our parent-child dynamic in record time! I am completely convinced that they will not only be safe and fine, but freaking awesome without me- they have their own lives that are taking off, and they are becoming more themselves every day. They are just amazing creatures and shining examples of human potential. I am totally not exaggerating, either. Lucky us!

    So my website exists now, thanks to my friend Jon and his awesome ability to host not-like-domain.com-with-no-permissions *growl*. I hope you like what I’ve put together!