North America « Sequoia Wild

Archive for the ‘North America’ Category

The question

2012 - 01.08

How can I return to Japan as an adult?

Given the answers to that question, is it realistic that I might be prepared to return that way in three months when the new school year starts?

Exceedingly unlikely.

Which kind of bravery should I choose? Staying here until I am fully prepared is more practical, but would mean finding another job here that pays much more. In Japan, I’d automatically be making $40K. It is the transition between here and there that is the problem. Last time I did it with about $500 and it felt horrible and was pretty pathetic. That doesn’t count airfare. Do I really want to return to Japan on my knees? Coming home to Boston costed about $5000, all told. Moving back to Japan doesn’t have to cost that much, but wouldn’t it be nice if I was prepared for things to go wrong instead of hoping I got lucky? I do have free places to live with friends now, and I could make sure the contract gets me housing and pay right away…

Look at me.

It is SO HARD for me when I have a wish without the means to fulfill it. To admit that waiting is necessary for success. To do the slow work. To hold still.

This is exactly what I must change in order to be successful in the long term.

I can’t pretend that returning to something is the same as undoing a choice. I left Japan. I am here now. I can realize that it was a mistake, or accept that it was what I had to do at the time to learn what I needed to learn, or decide that coming to Boston was providence in disguise. It doesn’t really matter what meaning I make of it. I am here. I am not in Japan. I cannot undo. I cannot pretend that returning to Japan is not going to be a total pain in the ass that ‘wastes’ the money I just spent getting back to the US. I cannot pretend that I have already healed all of the issues that got me in trouble last year. I cannot pretend that I am even succeeding right now, given the state of my bank account.

I am not in a position to do something as dramatic as returning to Japan in three months, and that is the truth.

Shit.

Okay. So March 2013 is the goal. That gives me time to prepare.

Get a high paying job.
Pay off credit card and as much of the reentry loan as possible.
Save at least $5000.
Learn Japanese, maybe take the JLPT level 5 or 4 next December.
Keep making Japanese friends and getting involved in Japanese stuff in Boston so that my Japan resources are maxed.
Finish getting into shape, start dating; maybe, if I’m lucky, fall in love with a Japanese bishounen or to return to Japan with.
Figure out what it was that I missed about America when I was in Japan/ what I was so happy to get back when I returned here and consider.

Caveat: March 2013 is the goal UNLESS I cannot find a higher paying job in Boston, in which case, going back to Japan may be the only way to get me out of debt. If that’s true, then maybe I should apply to jobs in Japan for this year and if I get a gig that sounds ideal I should go for it?

*pulls hair*

decompression vs paradigm shift

2011 - 11.28

Posted in Boston | No Comments »

I’m starting to think that I should stop waiting to feel like I did before living in Asia. I think it changed me fundamentally, and the way I look at too many things has expanded to expect to feel the same in this familiar place as I did before those experiences. So perhaps I’m not decompressing anymore after all!

Japan decompression

2011 - 11.23

Posted in Boston, Japan | No Comments »

Returning to America has been so much harder than adjusting to Japan. I have been back for over three months now and I am still disoriented. While it is nice to be able to express myself accurately, the sound of English everywhere is strange on my ears. There is nothing to decode, no bravery involved in speaking, no constant learning every time I interact with the world. I miss this profoundly. All the little changes, the things I saw every day that I didn’t even think to record- now I wish I had pictures of the aisles in my local convenience store, the trains, the signs I looked at while waiting for them… And the people! There are so many blonds in Boston! While in Japan I had the magificant experience of feeling that all people were the same in essence and that the differences were really only trivial when you got right down to it. But back in my home country, I realize how many teeny details went into every gesture, fashion expression, tone of voice and glance of the Japanese and I miss them all. My romantic fascination with Japan is aching for the source of its inspiration. When I hear a group of people who might be speaking Japanese in Boston, I kind of trail after them just to fill my ears. But there are hardly any Japanese in Boston! Even at the restaurants, which are run mainly by Chinese and Koreans, so I can’t even practice ordering food, which is a constant disappointment. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was hearing Japanese in Korean, Chinese and sometimes even in Spanish being spoken around me! I try to speak Japanese to myself and my sister so I won’t lose it, and I talk to my Asian students about topics related to Japan, but its no where near enough.

I will definitely return to live there again, but not alone. Hopefully when I have a family. If I meet a Japanese partner, that would be ideal, so that my children could know the culture of their heritage in a way they wouldn’t in America. And surprisingly, my Japanese language acquisition seems to have sped up since I left. I apparently know WAY more Japanese than I ever gave myself credit for- including sentence structures! Maybe the respite allowed my brain to synthesize and organize everything, but suddenly my fear around grammar and kanji have all but gone and I have decided to study seriously to take the JLPT exam before I return. If I could really speak Japanese when I went back, I could have so much that I denied myself before- friends, being able to find things, dating, working and playing with Japanese in Japanese… it would be amazing. I could learn some of the ancient art forms without feeling like such a poser. In fact, it would be the experience I was hoping for myself the first time but couldn’t make happen.

Am I sorry I left? Yes and no. I think I needed to return home for a reality check. I was shocked to find Boston so clean and pleasant, with so many facilities and areas I had never frequented and a river that was the cleanest one I had seen anywhere in Asia or Europe. I appreciate Boston a lot more and would settle here if California did not exist. I need to get home and feel that sunshine on my skin again, hug my trees, jump through my waves, eat my fresh fruit. So that is my next destination after I get my financial feet under me again, which is well on its way, I’m glad to report. Coming back also reminded me of the artificiality that is distinctly American and that I will only encounter in greater strength in California, but I feel like I have the perspective and integrity to withstand the pressure to conform to it now after holding to myself in a culture who had no idea what to do with me. On the other side, as soon as I got here, with no money and facing so much hardship after my stupid panicked-dissociated decisions about ending my job in Japan, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and undo it all- staying in my cozy apartment, having the daily life I had built, and this time really appreciating what I had there. The good news is that all it takes is saving up airfare to do it again, so I can put my regret to rest with that assurance, even as I know that I will not move to Japan until I have gotten rid of my pending financial obligations and have saved enough money to not have the poor life in that country.

Thank goodness 32 isn’t actually that old. Babies, and therefore, love-of-my-life and financial/career security need to happen in the next few years; but there’s no reason I can’t move back to Japan when my child is half-grown and I am 50. It’s not like my adventursome spirit is going to decrease! I will never get my 20s back, but that long painful process was required so that I can be free for the rest of my life, so every day is precious. Now I am learning how to give myself the means to do what I really want, not just throw myself forward without support in the desperate hope that I will get some crumbs of my dreams. Now that I know how much awesome is out there, I am going to establish security so that I can explore it all! Yay, attachment resolution! ;)

Revelations of love and loneliness during the last few months in Japan

2011 - 11.06

Posted in Body, Boston, Growth, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Music, Otaku, Philosophy, Relationships, Weight, Writing | No Comments »

I totally fail at updating. This is partially because I’m back in Boston, which is relatively familiar to all of you (at least compared to Asia), living the day-to-day work life that I assume you wouldn’t find terribly interesting- but more honestly, it is probably because my ponderings have been intensely personal since March or so. I am fairly open about my process on my blog, but the kinds of realizations I’ve had recently are still too tender to put out in the universe yet in more than a general fashion. They are almost all connected with love, a topic which part of me tried to keep me from processing until I knew I was completely safe. Apparently it took about two and a half years for me to find that part of myself. (more…)

Back on the grid- ish.

2011 - 09.03

Posted in Boston | No Comments »

So much updating to do… the trip to France and Britain, deciding to put off music school and stay in Boston- some major exposition is needed. But for now:

Hey all! Upon returning to Boston I disappeared again… crazily interviewing and then starting my new job on Aug 16th as a full time ESL teacher at Kaplan at Northeastern Univ. I have been bouncing between Katherine and Jon’s houses (thank you guys, you saved me!) but only had internet access sporadically and I still don’t have a cell phone, tho I should be getting one tomorrow I hope. I’ll send out the number as soon as I know it. Today I signed a lease on a little apartment w/ housemates in Allston, actually a block away from where Katherine is moving into this week, too! I caught the flu on Friday so I was staggering around with a fever today trying to get the stuff together for my landlord, but now its done so I can rest and then move in starting on Tuesday (which will take 2 car loads!). Anyway, that’s the brief update! As soon as I have a phone it will be easier to get together with all you guys- I miss you!

Birthday in… London?

2011 - 08.04

Posted in Boston, Employment, Europe, Growth, Japan, Music School | No Comments »

Where was I?

This is actually posted on January 8, 2012 when I realized there was a month when I didn’t update at all. That’s because this was the month from hell. I ran out of money in Europe, to my infinite shame, barely got home and then was completely dependent on the charity of my friends for a month… and while I was able to find a job in only a few days, it is, even now, barely covering my expenses. I had to take out a $4000 personal loan to survive. And I was numb from reentry culture shock. My friends were all disgusted with me and I am still earning their trust back, and the relationship with my siblings was incredibly strained. I had to give up on music school (for now) because the financial aid proved impossible given my credit history. I spent two weeks in Nice, Paris and London and it might as well have been in a video game for all the impression it made on me. I was so afraid of starving that I was only able to allow the smallest amount of pleasure in.

But the learning was rich, some of the richest I have done. Turning 32, I realized how much I was trying to literally have a second adolescence, as if I could actually go back to the moment when I sent the break up letter to Richard and step forward into the new era before me with the wisdom I had gained in the 13 years since. As if I could be 19 years old again and not go through all the pain of giving up on love and my future. “If I could do it all again, I would throw myself toward my dreams, even if I didn’t believe in myself yet, because now I know what I can do so I know I will make it.” So I threw myself to China, then to Japan, then to Music School via Europe and now here I’ve landed on my ass in Boston expecting my friends to pick up the pieces as if they were the parents I should have had to support me when I was 19. There was a lot of success, much more than there was failure, for sure. But it all felt like running, falling, shoving, flailing, forcing, hiding, pretending. Not all, that’s not fair to the moments I was awake. But I didn’t realize until I came home to Boston how much my trip had been a teenage rebellion against the limited existence of my post-Richard life. That’s fine. Everyone needs a rebellious stage. But now it is time for me to be an adult.

The question is, how can I create the adult life worth living? A life that holds up to my ambitious expectations, overflowing with my reasons to live? And what is that subtle difference between this life and the rebellious one?

I have some of the answers already. It would include money; enough money that the days of anxious paycheck waiting are behind me, that my debts are decreasing steadily like the weight I burned off my body. I wouldn’t be lonely; friends and loves and family would surround me. And I would feel like I was walking, not running; dancing, not dodging; touching, not flailing; confident, not afraid. Like I said, the life I have in mind is an ambitious one.

But as I sit here today, 4 months after the date of this entry, contemplating moving back to Japan, I have to remember how it felt when I first came home, and I MUST make sure I am not running again.

How can I return to Japan as an adult?

drift racing tomorrow!

2011 - 06.25

Posted in California, Chiba, Otaku, Perfect Beach Town | No Comments »

So it turns out that one of my students who is my age has done drift racing since she was 18. My friend and her old teacher Chris mentioned this fact and I asked her about it and it turns out she knows some famous racers/drifters (?) Masayoshi Tokita (at 5:30 in the Toyota) and Kuniaki Takahashi! Then today, she sent me a link to her husband’s win and invited me to go to the Mobara race tomorrow where I’ll be able to ride in the passenger seat!!!!!! I can not even tell you how much I am freaking out about how frikkin badass this is going to be! I am so pumped!

In other news, I will most likely end up at the Musician’s Institute in LA for music school. I’ll be sending in my app next week and they’ll get back to me by July 8th so I can make arrangements. Easy financial aid, back to California where I have come to believe might be the only place in the world with the weather and ocean I need. Plus this program includes private lessons which was almost a deal breaker at BIMM for me. My only concerns are the cost of living (but I’ll be able to work full time since I won’t be on a student visa), LA being gross (but the school is in West Hollywood aka rich gayland and maybe I can swing living in Venice Beach or Santa Monica) and being on the wrong continent for the metal genre I want to join, but I’m sure it will be good enough.

Music School Locations

2010 - 10.04

Posted in Australia, East Coast, Music School, New Zealand, UK, West Coast | No Comments »

Here are my criteria for which music schools I am applying to:

English as the language of instruction
Contemporary music focus
Private lessons
Strong musicianship foundation
In a “Global City”
Variety of music genres supported, including metal and techno (jazz is usually a given)
Metal, Jazz and techno experiences readily available in metro area
Fascinating and/or relaxing environment
Sufficient financial aid for international students

Unless I missed something in my research, this points to 3 main areas: the US, the UK and OZ/NZ.

Area	Advantages	Disadvantages
United Kingdom	Most metal bands I like are either from EU or tour extensively there London is second only to NY as a world city Closest non-US to sibs and friends A whole continent of new stuff	Cold beaches, non-sunny Difficult FinAid Visa/residency difficult
Australia New Zealand	Amazing beaches, beautiful Sydney and Brisbane have good metal scenes More supportive of international students	Really far from sibs and friends Less cultural variety/urban adventure
US East Coast	Closest to sibs and friends Less selection of schools, but top school here FinAid/Visa easy	Less exotic, have already lived here Running out of federal aid
US West Coast	Near other batch of friends Beaches, CA culture FinAid/Visa easy	Have already lived here Living in LA? Running out of federal aid

Okay, the music schools in the UK are moving ahead in my preference… all my favorite metal bands are either from Europe or moved there to join the rest! I’m starting to see evidence that if I seriously want to do metal, and find like minded other instrumentalists, then Europe is the place to be… plus, the greatest variety in the smallest area!

I also spoke to a friend today about OZ and it seems that the only down side is the distance/isolation/mono-cultural issue… everything else is remarkably good.

This is going to be a tough one. I might just have to apply everywhere and see who offers me the most money, and then just enjoy where ever I land! I think, overall, I am leaning toward Europe… the amount of new experiences I can have over a long time span is much higher, and I can always visit AU later or settle there… I think for this second adolescence somewhere more stimulating is more appropriate. the next step is to look into how the money can work out!

Random Saipan Vacation and musings about my home state

2010 - 09.20

Posted in California, Saipan | No Comments »

So, I’m randomly on a tropical island a few hours south of Japan, Saipan, which is a US Territory… which is just a weird arrangement that makes me mainly uncomfortable. Being an American, I have seen little signs of privilege because of my passport/driver’s license, and it has made me think about the whole ‘spoils of war’ thing. I hope someday these people get their land back, and that we haven’t made them so dependent on the US by that time that they can support themselves. I know I don’t know any details of the situation, but my Native American pride feels the pain left in this place.

But, in general, this has been a nice little adventure. I met this really sweet guy working the graveyard shift at my hotel who told me about a secret swimming spot with awesome waves that I am going to check out tomorrow. He also helped me find someone to rent a scooter to me even though my license is expired. When I went down there, it was no problem, and so now I have a scooter, just like in 1999, that I can tool around in. I am having a blast. The first thing I did was take off around the coast, even though the sun was setting. I went toward the various tourist spots that are supposed to have a great view of the ocean. Looking back toward the west, there were these HUGE clouds in the sunset… and 2 cows just hanging out on the roadside. I found a memorial of the “last command post” of the Japanese during WWII and there were some huge guns that surely had killed people in their lifetimes, which was quite moving to be near. Saipan also has a lot of stray animals (I had seen at least 3 stray dogs in town) and there was this calico cat who meewed at me the whole time, but I had no food for her or anything. Also, as twilight approached, the bugs became very aggressive and I needed to leave, so I wished her well and moved on. The bugs were so numerous that I began to be concerned that I would crash the bike from them pelting me as I rode. The stinging impacts came at a steady rhythm and I would not have been able to go on if I hadn’t had my glasses as improve goggles. I decided to go to the Grotto, which is an overlook of a rock bridge-tunnel thing that I could barely see in the fading light, but it had all the right sounds, and the breeze was a perfect temperature, and it was truly peaceful. If it hadn’t of been for the lightning flashes quickly approaching from out over the sea, I would have stayed for a long while. I got back on my moped and was less that 50 feet from where I had parked when the sky fell. Huge, huge warm drops of rain, which happily cleared the way of bugs, but soaked me through in a single minute. I stopped, thinking maybe I should wait it out back at the scenic spot, since there were coverings there, but some part of me wanted a more exciting adventure than that. I felt pretty confident with the scooter, since I know my instincts have saved me from accidents before. So I decided to continue home (about 15 miles away, I would guess). (more…)

On the plane to Hong Kong

2010 - 05.26

Tags: friends, goodbyes, Hong Kong, siblings
Posted in East Coast, Growth, Philosophy, Poetic | 2 Comments »

I am in awe. I have discovered that the healthy closure process of leaving for a long time is a little like how I imagine faking your own death and attending your memorial service would be. My friends have used this opportunity to express their appreciation, respect, admiration and love for me. Whatever part of me still doubts that I am valued, that I mean something to the people around me, that I effect the lives of those I care about, that I live in people’s hearts, that I am a good person… this part has mainly melted away during these past few weeks. Seeing the tears in the eyes of my loved ones was almost too much to let in, but as I allow myself to stay in heart-to-heart with them, it becomes obvious that we would have this kind of connection because of who we are and what I know in my own heart about my love for them. What a gift to receive undeniable proof of being loved by so many wonderful people! It opens my own heart to my own love for myself, which in turn gives me permission to not hold myself back in engaging ever deeper with the Self that both they and I love. While many aspects of this journey could be described as spiritual, I conceive of it in a less heady way… it is really only about love. When I took Love as my seventh middle name I feared I was being presumptuous- especially given that I feel that I have only truly learned (remembered?) what true love is in the past few years. But it is not presumptuous at all. I know exactly what love is, and I know how to live it, even if I am out of practice in many areas of my life, and even if refining my acquisition techniques will be a lifelong practice. And I’ve come to understand something else about myself- I love beauty above all. I feel the most ‘right’ when I am surrounded in beauty, when I let beauty into my heart, when I act with beauty, when I am beautiful. And the most beautiful feeling of all is integrity- when my insides match my outsides, when I align my life with my true self. This requires the work of continuous discovery of my truth in tandem with building skills to create a customized life. I love this work. This work is beautiful. So these three guiding concepts- integrity, beauty, love- are my compass for happiness in this life. That I have figured this out is miracle enough- that I have a growing number of inner circle friends who know and love this about me swells my heart. (more…)

Going Away Party!

2010 - 05.22

Tags: friends, goodbyes, siblings
Posted in East Coast | 1 Comment »

Just a brief post on the going away party- we played Puzzle Fighters, MarioCart (sang the fish song) and watched Crouching Tiger! Much silliness and awesomeness was had!

(more…)

Rainbow Hair!

2010 - 05.17

Tags: rainbow hair
Posted in East Coast | 2 Comments »

My sister colored my hair rainbow for me! Seven colors: Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Purple, Hot Pink! It took 14 hours to put all the color in! We were working from 10pm to noon the next day! Then we were too exhausted to wait and rinse it out that day, so I slept for like 14 hours and then we rinsed it the day after that, so the color was in for like 30 hours! It looks AMAZING! Here are a bunch of videos and pics of the process and result for the fans of rainbow hair! Such a nice gift to get from my sister before I go- and easy to pack! She has gotten so many compliments on the work- people assume she is a professional dyer of hair! Thanks, Katherine, for doing such a careful and amazing job!

Update: I ended up deciding not to take the rest of the dyes due to weight when we got the to airport, so hopefully when my sister comes to meet me in Japan she can bring them with my TEFL books to color the hair that has grown out!

(more…)

11 days until Hong Kong!

2010 - 05.16

Posted in East Coast, Processing | 5 Comments »

When I really let in that I am really selling or donating all of my belongings except for the one backpack I am taking with me and the 10 bins of keepsakes that friends are going to hold onto for me, I get alternating shivers of nervousness and excitement that is a fascinating sensation. I have started the goodbye process with my brother and sister and closest friends, and, strangely, I think I am handling this the best of anyone- but I guess I’m the one about to fill my life with novelty, so that makes sense. It’s not like I will be bored! I’m sure travelling by myself will be lonely sometimes, especially as I want to share things with the people that are 12,000 miles away (exactly halfway around the world- as far from them as I could get!), but it is also handy that spending so much time alone as a child will have its payoffs in regard to a well-practiced imagination. I am shocked that I have been able to save almost $3000 by selling my stuff, with more money next year after I file the donations with my taxes. With what I have in the bank I am sure to have an awesome first leg of this adventure.

The other realization that keeps washing over me is that, in 3 weeks, I will be studying kung fu on a mountain with a badass sifu (master). Having never studied martial arts before (and with the specific body issues I am working through), I have many insecurities about whether I will be able to handle the intensity of the training, complicated by the cultural learning that will be filling my brain at the same time. I am strengthened by the sifu’s supportive encouragement about my health concerns, and I’m sure he will be able to help me find that balance between not selling myself short and pushing myself too hard. I also have to listen to my own body, and I am looking forward to the luxury of learning all the nuanced messages my body has been trying to tell me but I was unable/unwilling to hear before. This time of concentrated reverence for my physicality, libido (in all of the Jungian/Ancient Greek sense), and power/force/aggression/boundaries is going to be revelatory for me; one of the main topics I will be posting about to get support processing and celebrating insights. I have been so blessed with my ’sparky’ loved ones and their ability to grow and accept and love… I don’t plan on losing contact with them! And infinite admiration for my (much younger) siblings and their ability to work out 98% of our parent-child dynamic in record time! I am completely convinced that they will not only be safe and fine, but freaking awesome without me- they have their own lives that are taking off, and they are becoming more themselves every day. They are just amazing creatures and shining examples of human potential. I am totally not exaggerating, either. Lucky us!

So my website exists now, thanks to my friend Jon and his awesome ability to host not-like-domain.com-with-no-permissions *growl*. I hope you like what I’ve put together!

On my way back from getting my Chinese Visa in NYC

2010 - 04.16

Tags: NYC, paperwork
Posted in East Coast | 2 Comments »

Careening down the highway at 80MPH in a Chinese bus of questionable maintenance is surprisingly easy to adjust to. Last night at 2am I hopped on such a bus, arriving within 8minuted of the departure time due to Katherine and me forgetting about that whole “directions to south station bus terminal” thing. The wifi advertized on these buses seems to not include leasing an IP address with the reception, so no actual internet access, but full strength wifi. Arriving in New York’s Chinatown at 5:30am was exhilarating, given it was still dark and all I had were google directions and a map Dana gave me to fine my way. I started to follow a fellow passenger who looked like he knew where he was going, but if he did it was not where I was going, as I realized within a block. I love how my brain works with maps so well- I could tell by the layout of the streets that the angles weren’t right for what I had glanced in the map earlier that day. So I turned around, returned back to the bus stop and ran into a middle aged Chinese woman who asked me if I knew how to get to the Chinese Consulate! I told her that’s where I was going, too, so we decided to stick together- power in numbers for women during the witching hour in a city infamous for violent crime. Yay, self-care! Doing this adventure with a stranger was a lot of fun, and of a type I had not really experienced before, given that I often am hit with bouts of shame regarding inflicting myself on strangers. Joyfully that insecurity was gone today, I believe because this was me doing My Thing, and I not-so-secretly love my own style and so gave myself permission to attract attention- and boy did I ever! I forgot to mention that while the main purpose of this trip was to get my Chinese Visa, I was also using it as an experiential lesson in What Not To Carry To China. (more…)

Sequoia Wild

みつけたよめいとしょうさしさかい- かつ！