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    Japan calls to me


    2012 - 01.07

    Japan calls to me.

    I needed to come home. I needed to remember that I had a home, that there were people who knew and loved me. I needed to share time with them, let my body recall closeness. These things I will need forever, and I will spend my life learning how to get closer to those I love, how to create a home and a life and walk through fire.

    There was a lot of walking through fire when I left in May 2010, but it had the sort of shoving-myself-from-behind feeling that I have learned means that it was based in illusion. I could only have learned the truth of this by returning. I have tried to capture the learning that I have done ever since I began to awaken to my life, ever since I made the choice to awaken- ever since I changed my name. This awakening comes in layers so fine they resist language.

    Walking through fire with unshakable purpose is new. I am no longer running from something. I am striding toward something. And this something seems to involve an awful lot of Japanese stuff.

    I am awakening to what Japan means to me. I no longer care if this feeling is overly romantic or irrational. Or rather, I am letting go of worrying that others think it is, because I know it’s not. Romance matters to me. It is essential to my happiness. And I am an exceedingly rational person, weaknesses and all.

    Pathologizing gets me nowhere, though it is my oldest habit to worry that I’m doing something wrong. I am learning to believe in myself, my way of living. I have strengths that only emerge when I accept my nature.

    I walk around Boston like I own the place. I do. I learned how to own a city from my brief, nervous adventures getting lost and frustrated in Tokyo. Boston is easy. This sense of competence and mastery feels right. It is my right to feel it. So for a while, I need to soak it up. I need to stay with this feeling of having a right to do what I love. Learning Japanese, kendo, singing, writing, making money, being with loved ones, romance… these sound like a lot of ‘do’, but if you know how I do things, then you know they are actually all ‘be’s. Being is energized for me.

    But then I am going to walk through fire again and do all the things that were below my threshold of tolerance before. All the experiences in Japan that I thought I had no right to do, I am going to do them. The life I was too insecure to build for myself there, I will. Being valued as unique in Boston has undone my ‘just another gaijin’ mentality that poisoned my efforts while living in Japan. When I return, I am going to go all out. The only question is when- the moment when the balance of the learning I am doing in Boston shifts toward the need to move forward in the areas that can only be accomplished in Japan.

    I am starting to understand the power of having a clear, defined goal and putting your all toward it. My goal is so simple I can point to it in my mind instantly, though putting it into words makes it sound needlessly complicated. Luckily, I’m the only one who needs to understand it fully.

    Life is surprisingly straightforward.

    The Boundary


    2011 - 12.18

    In the last few weeks I have begun to study Japanese in a way I never have before. I am no longer intimidated by kanji and have returned to my original facination and love for the symbolic characters and the particular aesthetic themes they represent. Thanks to Mio’s gift of a calligraphy pen, I have begun to write kanji; for birthday cards, to hang on my wall, and today I wrote my first haiku. It all has the stumblings of a beginner but feels infinitely satisfying. I am also beginning to think in Japanese, and it feels more comfortable than my average thought in English. I am realizing just how much of the Japanese approach to life I have absorbed, or that was in me innately but is surfacing, especially now that I have left what I think of as my second homeland. I was watching my mind think and noticed that I had read about these sorts of thoughts before in Musashi and Yagyuu’s books on swordsmanship. I seem to be becoming Zen. That suits me just fine.

    These last few weeks I have been soaking up a new consciousness that is freeing me to accept things about myself and life that I resisted seeing before. They are all essentially positive things, but my tolerance for holding onto the things that matter to me has grown. And yet I am not gripping these things tightly. The word quiescence keeps coming to mind. And at the same time there is a not-unpleasant pain coloring this new way. My Western-trained brain leapt to the fear that it meant something was wrong with me or what I was doing even though this process felt so organically right. Here, again, I am grateful for other cultures’ paradigms. Just as it feels to me, in Zen what I am experiencing is actually a desirable aesthetic.

    Sabi: Asymmetrical, impermanent beauty; quiet elegance; acceptance of transience. A ‘positive sadness’; ‘detached loneliness’; ‘Beauty with a sense of loneliness in time’. (thanks http://www.michaelhaldane.com/HaikuLink.htm)

    While in this mind, I wrote the following passage, which successfully captures the flavor of my inner world in a way I have been unable to write before. For me, it seems, sabi and mushin (flow) are entwined.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (more…)

    Japan decompression


    2011 - 11.23

    Returning to America has been so much harder than adjusting to Japan. I have been back for over three months now and I am still disoriented. While it is nice to be able to express myself accurately, the sound of English everywhere is strange on my ears. There is nothing to decode, no bravery involved in speaking, no constant learning every time I interact with the world. I miss this profoundly. All the little changes, the things I saw every day that I didn’t even think to record- now I wish I had pictures of the aisles in my local convenience store, the trains, the signs I looked at while waiting for them… And the people! There are so many blonds in Boston! While in Japan I had the magificant experience of feeling that all people were the same in essence and that the differences were really only trivial when you got right down to it. But back in my home country, I realize how many teeny details went into every gesture, fashion expression, tone of voice and glance of the Japanese and I miss them all. My romantic fascination with Japan is aching for the source of its inspiration. When I hear a group of people who might be speaking Japanese in Boston, I kind of trail after them just to fill my ears. But there are hardly any Japanese in Boston! Even at the restaurants, which are run mainly by Chinese and Koreans, so I can’t even practice ordering food, which is a constant disappointment. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was hearing Japanese in Korean, Chinese and sometimes even in Spanish being spoken around me! I try to speak Japanese to myself and my sister so I won’t lose it, and I talk to my Asian students about topics related to Japan, but its no where near enough.

    I will definitely return to live there again, but not alone. Hopefully when I have a family. If I meet a Japanese partner, that would be ideal, so that my children could know the culture of their heritage in a way they wouldn’t in America. And surprisingly, my Japanese language acquisition seems to have sped up since I left. I apparently know WAY more Japanese than I ever gave myself credit for- including sentence structures! Maybe the respite allowed my brain to synthesize and organize everything, but suddenly my fear around grammar and kanji have all but gone and I have decided to study seriously to take the JLPT exam before I return. If I could really speak Japanese when I went back, I could have so much that I denied myself before- friends, being able to find things, dating, working and playing with Japanese in Japanese… it would be amazing. I could learn some of the ancient art forms without feeling like such a poser. In fact, it would be the experience I was hoping for myself the first time but couldn’t make happen.

    Am I sorry I left? Yes and no. I think I needed to return home for a reality check. I was shocked to find Boston so clean and pleasant, with so many facilities and areas I had never frequented and a river that was the cleanest one I had seen anywhere in Asia or Europe. I appreciate Boston a lot more and would settle here if California did not exist. I need to get home and feel that sunshine on my skin again, hug my trees, jump through my waves, eat my fresh fruit. So that is my next destination after I get my financial feet under me again, which is well on its way, I’m glad to report.  Coming back also reminded me of the artificiality that is distinctly American and that I will only encounter in greater strength in California, but I feel like I have the perspective and integrity to withstand the pressure to conform to it now after holding to myself in a culture who had no idea what to do with me.  On the other side, as soon as I got here, with no money and facing so much hardship after my stupid panicked-dissociated decisions about ending my job in Japan, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and undo it all- staying in my cozy apartment, having the daily life I had built, and this time really appreciating what I had there. The good news is that all it takes is saving up airfare to do it again, so I can put my regret to rest with that assurance, even as I know that I will not move to Japan until I have gotten rid of my pending financial obligations and have saved enough money to not have the poor life in that country.

    Thank goodness 32 isn’t actually that old. Babies, and therefore, love-of-my-life  and financial/career security need to happen in the next few years; but there’s no reason I can’t move back to Japan when my child is half-grown and I am 50. It’s not like my adventursome spirit is going to decrease! I will never get my 20s back, but that long painful process was required so that I can be free for the rest of my life, so every day is precious. Now I am learning how to give myself the means to do what I really want, not just throw myself forward without support in the desperate hope that I will get some crumbs of my dreams. Now that I know how much awesome is out there, I am going to establish security so that I can explore it all! Yay, attachment resolution! ;)

    Birthday in… London?


    2011 - 08.04

    Where was I?

    This is actually posted on January 8, 2012 when I realized there was a month when I didn’t update at all. That’s because this was the month from hell. I ran out of money in Europe, to my infinite shame, barely got home and then was completely dependent on the charity of my friends for a month… and while I was able to find a job in only a few days, it is, even now, barely covering my expenses. I had to take out a $4000 personal loan to survive. And I was numb from reentry culture shock. My friends were all disgusted with me and I am still earning their trust back, and the relationship with my siblings was incredibly strained. I had to give up on music school (for now) because the financial aid proved impossible given my credit history. I spent two weeks in Nice, Paris and London and it might as well have been in a video game for all the impression it made on me. I was so afraid of starving that I was only able to allow the smallest amount of pleasure in.

    But the learning was rich, some of the richest I have done. Turning 32, I realized how much I was trying to literally have a second adolescence, as if I could actually go back to the moment when I sent the break up letter to Richard and step forward into the new era before me with the wisdom I had gained in the 13 years since. As if I could be 19 years old again and not go through all the pain of giving up on love and my future. “If I could do it all again, I would throw myself toward my dreams, even if I didn’t believe in myself yet, because now I know what I can do so I know I will make it.” So I threw myself to China, then to Japan, then to Music School via Europe and now here I’ve landed on my ass in Boston expecting my friends to pick up the pieces as if they were the parents I should have had to support me when I was 19. There was a lot of success, much more than there was failure, for sure. But it all felt like running, falling, shoving, flailing, forcing, hiding, pretending. Not all, that’s not fair to the moments I was awake. But I didn’t realize until I came home to Boston how much my trip had been a teenage rebellion against the limited existence of my post-Richard life. That’s fine. Everyone needs a rebellious stage. But now it is time for me to be an adult.

    The question is, how can I create the adult life worth living? A life that holds up to my ambitious expectations, overflowing with my reasons to live? And what is that subtle difference between this life and the rebellious one?

    I have some of the answers already. It would include money; enough money that the days of anxious paycheck waiting are behind me, that my debts are decreasing steadily like the weight I burned off my body. I wouldn’t be lonely; friends and loves and family would surround me. And I would feel like I was walking, not running; dancing, not dodging; touching, not flailing; confident, not afraid. Like I said, the life I have in mind is an ambitious one.

    But as I sit here today, 4 months after the date of this entry, contemplating moving back to Japan, I have to remember how it felt when I first came home, and I MUST make sure I am not running again.

    How can I return to Japan as an adult?

    Saying goodbye is so hard!


    2011 - 07.13

    Today I said goodbye to my favorite teenage class and it was really hard! Then one of my adult students gave me the manga to my favorite Ghibili movie and I nearly cried I was so happy that she remembered and ordered it and everything. Then Yoko-sensei realized that this was the last time we would be teaching on the same day and we said goodbye, too! and this was after all day of saying goodbye to class after class of my elementary age kids….

    I am probably going to gush like a fountain by Friday. I really have such warm feelings for so many of my students… I was so lucky to have a job where I spend most of the day grinning like an idiot, and even when things have gone to hell I’m still laughing my ass off! At least I know I love this job and maybe I can find a way to be a rock star and still work with Japanese youth. I know that really Japan is a country of humans like every other country of humans on this planet, but for me it is extra sparkly– the language is the language of love, the social conditioning contains some of my choice values, their sense of humor is just about perfect, their music is awesome, I am in awe of the character of its people… I am going to have to find ways to keep it in my life forever, because the idea that I might lose it is too hard.

    But for tonight, I have to finish packing, somehow. Dora, the new teacher is coming over tomorrow morning (in 12 hours) to see the apartment!

    I am in love with drifting!


    2011 - 06.28

    HERE ARE THE VIDEOS! Yesterday was amazing. I was literally unable to put into words what it felt like- not only being in the car as it was doing these crazy stunts, but also finally getting access to an underground  subculture I thought would be impenetrable, and discovering that everyone was kind, supportive badasses instead of the elitist, exclusionary badasses I assumed they would be. Their welcoming attitude has given me the courage to take my interests in these sorts of things seriously, and discard the paradoxical idea that I somehow already need to know everything about a subject before it’s appropriate for me to show interest, get involved with people who do it or try it myself.

    The Experience

    Mio picked me up at the train station and brought me to the race track at Mobara Twin Circuit. She told me the bad news that her husband’s car was dead- he had been practicing (for taking me out, aww!) and something gave way so it won’t run. But, she said, have no fear- she had another friend, Suzuki-sensei, who even spoke English, who would be giving me a ride. The first thing we saw was a motorcycle course with like 15+ elementary kids riding these chibi bikes (Pokebai, “pocketbikes” apparently), dressed in race uniforms and taking curves such that their knees grazed the ground… on the spot I vowed to be a parent cool enough to support my children if they ever want to do something this awesome!

    Then we walked up to the car course and I heard, and then saw, my first drifting cars in person. In moments I was overcome with that feeling that allows me to identify something as ’sexy’, and said so to Mio, who laughed and said that in Japanese they never refer to men as sexy. Well, this was definitively sexy to me. I asked later how fast they were going with they cut into drifting around the curves, and because the track is not so big with only short straightaways, they are going ‘only’ about 100kph, or 70mph. Imagine driving along on the freeway, then immediately making a 130 degree turn! And drifting is not normal turning because (as best as I understand it right now) one of your axles stays still (relative to the direction of the road), used as a pivot for the other axle which slides sideways in an arc. You do this by some crazy balance between braking and accelerating simultaneously while of course steering into and out of the curve such to customize the direction you’re going. Then, as you get lined up in the new angle, you gun it to escape the turn. Since the tires are sliding sideways, more smoke means you are doing it right (the rubber is melted and torn off) and at a more impressive speed than a drift with less smoke. So there was also a sexy burned rubber smell to the place, too.

    Watching the cars drift was thrilling, and I got a sense for the right approach angle and the timing for when they would initialize their drift, whether they would stay in it, what their exit would look like; I felt like I was beginning to understand the mechanics after only watching for a few minutes. Like when I watch martial arts or listen to adroit music solos, my body began to respond with little involuntary muscle actions synchronized with what I was watching. I couldn’t wait to get in a car and feel it from the inside! But I never wanted to stop watching, either. They started a race and they guy who was going to drive me was doing really well in it, but then had to leave the course because a ring came loose in his engine. I joked that I was bad luck, since the cars who were supposed to take me kept breaking, but he just needed to replace the pipe sleeve thing and then it was time for me to ride!

    Mio had warned me to wear all-covering clothes, and they gave me a helmet and gloves. Then I got strapped in with over both shoulders hardcore straps, into a bucket seat that made me totally nostalgic. Then we headed to the track. I turned on the camera, but only glanced at it now and then when I decided I wanted to record his technique or the view. My body and mind were focused on absorbing as much as possible.

    As soon as he accelerated my whole body relaxed and I had this, “I’m home” feeling. There is something about speed that just feels right to me. And when we approached the first curve where I felt he was ready to drift, I remember knowing the moment he was going to make his move and what it would feel like. As it happened, and as it aligned with my prediction, I had this incredible sense of rightness come over me, like this is what I am. I can do this. I have this inside me. Not in the limited sense of drifting or driving, but this experience of being on the edge of capability. Where my senses need to kick in, my body needs to be awake, my intuition and calculation and reaction time and muscle memory all need to be tapped, in harmony, to pull something off. But no processing, no planning, no concentrating. There was only the moment, taking in information, acting spontaneously. I think I was flitting along the outer boundary of ‘flow’, the concept of mushin (無心) that I have read about in martial arts. It felt… well, perfect. It was exciting and exhilarating and challenging and fascinating and beautiful and fun and so many other things, but really I spent the whole time alternating between the briefest of moments touching this feeling of rightness, and then basking in awe of what I was feeling, what my mind and body were doing. Because I was busy, even though I was not driving.

    On our fourth lap I closed my eyes, loosened my grip on the handle and relaxed my muscles so I could shift freely with the car. It was like floating in the ocean. It felt like I could do that forever. I could feel when he was going to drift us. As I settled in, I thought I could feel the tires go in and out of gripping, and once I thought I could differentiate between the left and right back tires. In the first video, at 5:30, he asks if it is fun, if I am scared. The question seemed so odd to me- what is there to be scared of? I truly wasn’t at all scared, which I realize is telling. I mean, I don’t know this guy or his skills, but I suppose I trusted him to not crash. Most people would probably need to establish trust with their driver before letting them drive in a sport which could be defined as ‘try to half-crash yourself then get out of the crash’. But I don’t think I was bypassing this need for trust, I just think I could tell that he was a good driver really fast. The feel of his driving was similar to mine, I remembered thinking as we made the first turn. So I must have tested his trust nonverbally, I guess. and that kind of matches with my instant unease when I am being driven by someone whose style doesn’t match my own- I can tell almost immediately whether I will be comfortable with a friend’s driving- though I love to drive so much I am also a bit of a control freak about this, as my sister will tell you.

    So when I tell him I’m not at all scared, he says, “Very strong girl!”, which made me glow with pride, I have to admit. I told him it made me want to learn, and I swear, 2 seconds later when we got to the main curve, he kicked it up a notch- we went faster, the drift was tighter and he held it longer- we got so close to the median that I wanted to leap and cheer- and then he sustained that attitude into the next curve! It felt like he was believing me and not holding back, and/or testing that I really wasn’t scared by really showing me how it was done. I was so grateful to him in that moment, that he could take me seriously. Suzuki-sensei became a mini-hero to me then! The last time we took that wide curve we followed another car in so I got to have the thrill of watching the distance close as we drifted in parallel! I think we kind of drove him onto the exit ramp! Then he made a point of doing drifts for the middle section which we hadn’t really done too much before and it was a really rhythmic feeling going from one side to the next. But after 11 minutes, his engine was too hot so we had to back, and he had already done three heats that day, so that was it. I am so glad I have the video!

    When we got back to the lot we sat around and talked about drifting technique, drifting culture, how to modify a miata so I can do drifting when I buy my rainbow miata someday (it needs more engine power, but it looks like the MX-5 is the way to go), where the secret drifting spots are around Tokyo and LA(!), and randomly, dermatology, as Suzuki-sensei turns out to be a dermatologist (thus he has two meanings for his honorific- doctor and umai (skillful) driving!). Ha! I was telling stories about my country-girl antics and explaining poison oak and my sensitive skin with dermographia (I had a raised scratch so I was demonstrating by drawing things on my arms) when he brought out a tube of hydrocortisone as a gift! I haven’t been able to find any here, so it was a perfect gift! So random! We just talked about random stuff for a while and then the track was being closed so I got a ride back to the station. Mio asked about my novel so I got to explain some of it, too, and she complimented me. By the time I got on the train I was full to bursting with good feelings. What a day!

    (more…)

    drift racing tomorrow!


    2011 - 06.25

    So it turns out that one of my students who is my age has done drift racing since she was 18. My friend and her old teacher Chris mentioned this fact and I asked her about it and it turns out she knows some famous racers/drifters (?) Masayoshi Tokita (at 5:30 in the Toyota) and Kuniaki Takahashi! Then today, she sent me a link to her husband’s win and invited me to go to the Mobara race tomorrow where I’ll be able to ride in the passenger seat!!!!!! I can not even tell you how much I am freaking out about how frikkin badass this is going to be! I am so pumped!

    In other news, I will most likely end up at the Musician’s Institute in LA for music school. I’ll be sending in my app next week and they’ll get back to me by July 8th so I can make arrangements. Easy financial aid, back to California where I have come to believe might be the only place in the world with the weather and ocean I need. Plus this program includes private lessons which was almost a deal breaker at BIMM for me. My only concerns are the cost of living (but I’ll be able to work full time since I won’t be on a student visa), LA being gross (but the school is in West Hollywood aka rich gayland and maybe I can swing living in Venice Beach or Santa Monica) and being on the wrong continent for the metal genre I want to join, but I’m sure it will be good enough.

    Tanoshikatta! 楽しかった!


    2011 - 06.12

    I had an amazingly fun night out with Yukihiro Hamada, Chris May, Saori Muranaka, Nozomi Kitadai, Anthony Gerard Odtohan, Mio and a bunch of other amazing ningen!

    Favorite moment: An elderly student of Chris’ saying “kono bishoujo” gesturing to me by mistake, then seeing it was me and saying “chi gau!” Everyone laughed and said “chi gau ja nai!” and I couldn’t stop laughing for ages!

    Translation- he referred to me as a beautiful woman when he was talking about someone who had been standing there a moment before, and when he saw it was a different person he said “wrong/different!”… which was easy to interpret as if he just discovered that I wasn’t beautiful after all! Then everyone stuck up for me saying it wasn’t wrong to say I was beautiful. Hilarity.

    This guy also asked me to sing the Star Spangled Banner for him and was like really moved when i did. he was quite an interesting experience.
    :)

    I’m sad that Yukihiro (one of the managers at my school) is leaving as he’s my only real Japanese friend and tons of fun, but he’s moving up in the world so I wish him the best. Chris has been gone for many weeks and Tuesdays just aren’t the same, but since I will be leaving soon anyway, it almost makes it easier since it can’t be helped that they’re gone; sho ga nai. BUT! We promised to out to karaoke together before I leave so I mustn’t get shy and miss that opportunity!

    top 11 things I will miss about Japan


    2011 - 05.30
    1. Being able to see my fandom everywhere I go.
    2. Feeling part of a historical story I am moved by.
    3. Bishounen sightings and people watching.
    4. Decoding kana and speaking makeshift Japanese.
    5. My loft studio.
    6. My students’ appreciation of my weird jokes and otaku references.
    7. Ridiculously cheap sashimi.
    8. Shopping and Japanese movie theatres.
    9. Being surrounded by people who have more similar values to myself than my own culture.
    10. Guaranteed 24 hour entertainment.
    11. Only experiencing rudeness once in over a year.

    With only 8 weekends left here, and needing to focus on arrangements for my transition to music school, I am only able to leave because I’m telling myself I’ll be back someday. I’ve spent most of this year working on projects that are mostly introverted (body and novel) and so I didn’t focus on learning the language or making friends or experiencing everything about Japan I came here to experience, but I can’t say I truly feel regret. I think my focus was just what it needed to be. I certainly know worlds more Japanese than when I arrived even with virtually no studying, so as long as I make sure to keep learning and practicing I’ll have no regrets there. I do wish I had saved more money, while at the same time, I wish I had bought more stuff that I am just going to have to import when I want it later. I have never felt so much kinship for items. And I wish I had increased my ability to find cool things in an urban setting more, but I bet having friends in the UK will help me out in that respect and the next time I’m here, I will be able to tackle Tokyo thoroughly. I know I am going to miss having so much time to do nothing but write my novel, even though that time will now be spent making music. The more I write the more I realize that it is as much a calling as singing, and I am watching myself get better and it is thrilling. It’s times like this that I honestly believe that I am one of those people who wouldn’t get bored if I were immortal.

    Oh, and I’ve lost the 7 pounds I regained since hitting 180, so I’m back at 180 again and heading down. I went out and did purikura tonight and I’ll upload those once I trim the photos of the photos. A scanner would be nice, or an electronic file of the pics, but if that’s possible I have yet to figure out how. But I look and feel great. Hedonism works.

    Returning from silence


    2011 - 05.24

    So only a few days after submitting my music school applications my netbook self-destructed. I kind of forgot about the internet cafe next door to me and so waited patiently for a friend to put ubuntu on a usb stick so i could retrieve my data and restore. but now that is done (though the original problem still exists so i can’t move the lid or it reboots and will corrupt the boot file again…) i got all my data safely off and have something larger than 3″ to type on again. But soon my sister will be sending me the new powerbook i’ve ordered through berklee so I will have a new toy to write music on! yay!

    It has been so long since I have posted I don’t know where to start. I have been writing in notebooks like crazy since my computer died and it’s been totally nostalgic of junior high when I filled 16 notebooks with Darkwing Duck fanfic. My novel is going really well and I am learning a ton about myself in the process; my fear of anger and violence that is making all my characters sound like goodie two shoes, the true extent of my obsession with hair, my love of explaining things well, and a ton about my experience of romance, sexuality and beauty. In order to get to know my main characters, I am writing almost a full prequel about how they met- 19 years before the main story starts, and it is fascinating. I seem to have unearthed my particular style of falling in love and I think it’s awesome, and in perfect time for dating when I get to Brighton. But realizing everyone would not relate to falling in love this way is making the romances I’m writing extra fun to play with. technique-wise, I am simultaneously challenged by being able to express myself with precision and in expanding beyond my own truths to build variety into my story. I love this work.

    And it is really the first thing in my life that I have truly practiced. I never used to write drafts or even revise, really. I was so sensitive to my own criticism that I would create something that given my innate talents was reasonably good compared to average, and then I would leave it alone and pretend I didn’t care if I could have made it better given more work (and self-honesty). If the thing I created didn’t even meet those standards, it got thrown away. But never have I just written to try and get whatever morsel I was aiming to express down on the page the best I could. Most of what I write reads like mediocre fanfic, and for the first time in my life I’m fine with that, because every now and then a phrase or image or line is so close to that spark of inspiration flitting behind my mind that I feel blessed with even the amount of talent I have- and for the first time I am not wishing I was a prodigy… I am looking forward to the crafting of this extension of myself. I think this shift is going to make all the difference in my creative endeavors, and whether I can make it as a professional musician. But even just in the moment, it gives me untold pleasure.

    On the food and weight front I’ve been having a similar journey. I gained back about 7 pounds since hitting 180. I was definitely shaken up by my success and, actually, how easy it was. All I had to do was do things that felt great and then I would feel even greater and then it snowballed into super great time. But when I hit 180 and my body really began to feel so much like how it used to when I was fit… I guess I wasn’t quite ready and I back pedaled. Completely stopped being active and started eating crap again… it was bizarre. Then I tried to bully myself into doing my program again, telling myself that if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t be where I wanted when school started. It was ingeniously framed as motivational and empowering, but really it was just fear and future-tripping… black and white. I had forgotten about the joy I was feeling every day, in the present, at living an active and healthy life and feeling pretty every day. Well, thank the goddess, I finally remembered and have found my style again, and again it is easy. I bet that the next time it gets hard again, it will be because my old conditioning has slowly morphed my pleasure-oriented motivations into fear-and-shame-oriented self-bullying again. I am going to keep a look out for that, because it just doesn’t work, and it’s stressful as all hell. So the weight I regained is mostly gone and I’m on my way back down again, but that was a rough six weeks. Actually, writing about my philosophy through designing a culture in my novel has really helped me. As if a fictional group of people I designed somehow externally validate how I want to live my own life. Go figure. Maybe that’s what makes me a sci-fi/fantasy type person. Fiction is like distilled reality for me. Those of you who understand this will understand. And with that tautology, I end for now.

    Bimm it is!!!


    2011 - 04.30

    This is it! I am confirmed to start music school at BIMM through Univ of Sussex in Brighton, UK- the foundation degree in professional musicianship! In the california style beach town full of lesbians an hour from london! It’s exactly what I wanted! I almost can’t believe it!!! And the Uni even has archery, shaolin Kung Fu and horsemanship courses! I am set!

    Update- sorry if my silence worried anyone!


    2011 - 04.03

    (response to a friend’s email) Thanks for checking in and letting me know what you’ve heard. I don’t have a computer right now as it broke a couple days before the EQ, so I haven’t updated my blog. Obviously I am a bit nervous about the radiation- I would rather not be exosed, and given all the movies I’ve seen about radiation exposure, if I think about it, it is a horrible thing to imagine laying dormant until it affects me later. But really, those images are from movies where some hero sacrfices themselves by walking into a reactor or after a nuclear bomb drop– hardly the situation here. So even though I am being exposed to more raditaion than I would like right now all the sources i’ve consulted say it will be fine for me to stay until July as planned. Your info about suspected  ”withholding information from the public” scares the crap out of my me on some level since it brings up my ancient paranoia of authority, but I don’t want to ignore the possibility because of course it happens. Can you send me some references to a reputable source that has suggestded that, or what info they said was being altered or suppressed? Everything I have seem with those claims looked like doomsayers or conspiracy theorists, sometimes with an anti-Japanese racism bent, so I would need something more objective to go on. Thanks if you can send them my way, and I will ask around here, too. The other foreingers have news sources they trust outside japan.   

    From my experience, things are largely back to normal here except for a lack of bottled water, as they have said that developing infants should not drink the tap water. I wish my Brita filter removed the radioactive idodide- that would go a long way to making me feel better. I’ve cut back on my tea just in case. 

    I haven’t seriously considered leaving Japan yet. The main 2 reasons are that I need this job to save up money for starting music school in sept, and getting a new job that pays this well in time would be near impossible. The other reason is that I have a good system going (after 10 years of experimentation) with losing weight (down 27 pounds) and don’t want to risk disturbing it by upheaving my life. Obviously if the threat becomes more severe I will leave, but for now I feel like this is a good enough situation. 

    You may know that I still have an aversion to the news so I’m not being bombarded daily with s thousand opinions and editorials in the events here so I’m not feeling the level of concern you seem to be picking up from the US news. My friends and boss are keeping me in the loop in addition to my own fact checking so I think I am taking care of myself in a good enough way by staying here. My sister and I have been talking daily as she is my check in person with the program I designed for myself. My brother and I talked a long time last weekend. I’m not sure what they’ve heard or if they’re very concerned because I expressed my experience to them which was exciting and scary for a few days, weirdly surreal for the week after that, and then I was back to work and my person projects with few differences. I suppose it’s possible we all have simial aversion to the news and feel safer in ignorance, but I also think the situation is not so bad. It probably just feels worse with me being far from home for you guys, but as I have a life here, it’s not really disturbing me as much. A lot of teachers at my company have left and are leaving, but to each their own. I have to pay the deposit on my music school next month so unless I can randomly get a pile of cash for that, I need to be practical. 
    So that’s everything, I think! I hope this allays your fears, and if not please let me know! I am typing on my iPhone with one finger so thus took forever, but I’m sorry I wasn’t more communicative and let you worry! 

    Thanks for thinking of me!     

    Earthquake update


    2011 - 03.12

    Dude, too tired to explain everything right now, but me and my stuff are okay. The oil refinery near my house exploded and I was evacuated- my boss came to take me to her house since she knew I wouldn’t understand the Japanese. I just got back into my house! Thanks for all your wellwishes! My boss had so much hospitality it was like a ryokan, so no real hardship… But especially after seeing the news I couldn’t sleep until 5am or so I was so pumped, ready for flight! But everything is okay now except my sky looks like LA Armageddon and were not supposed to be uncovered outside or breathe the air, and there is going to be chemical rain for over a week. The factory is still sending smoke up but is safe. Time for self care! I’ll tell you the exciting bits when I have the energy. Love!

    I know I’m forgetting people in my dazed state- please spread the word if you think of people. Shower now.
    Sent from my iPod

    Winter Singing Gig!


    2010 - 12.13

    Having mentioned that I was a jazz singer, my boss asked me to sing at the company party today! I sang:

    • Let it snow
    • White Christmas
    • Winter Wonderland
    • The Christmas Song
    • I’ve got my love to keep me warm

    It was a great experience. Everyone complimented me earnestly and I really enjoyed myself. It was great to be up on stage again, and especially considering the weird issues with dehydration I’ve had recently, I am happy with my performance. One person said that they didn’t think the audience truly appreciated what an artist they had in front of them, and that really gave me the confidence to apply to music school. I am realizing, once again, that many people literally can’t hold a tune, many people have pitch but no control or expression, and the fact that I can do what I can do is a rare talent that I should never take for granted. I can’t imagine what it would be like for me if I loved music the way I do but hadn’t been gifted with the voice I have. I should sing every day as a celebration of my fortune! And while being on stage I also remembered the aspects of my singing that I have always wanted to improve; my shy body movements during instrumentals, my confidence in belting and chest voice, my willingness to woo the audience and take myself seriously… all of the work I have done on myself in general is contributing to these areas, and the idea that in the near future I will be able to focus exclusively on becoming the best singer I can be is just a dream come true!

    Then, after the party, a bunch of us went out to this cute bar and then to karaoke, where I sang Iron Maiden, Nightwish and some awesome classic duets with my new friends. I’m glad we did the karaoke AFTER my gig because I completely killed my voice being Bruce Dickenson, but ‘Bring your daughter to the slaughter’ was really satisfying, and Wishmaster was just hilarious as always– apparently my air guitaring was impressive because I got cheers for rocking out. I so need to learn that instrument when I am at rock school. It was so refreshing to hang out with other people (at all) and also to hear their Japanese… truly inspiring about what is possible. As soon as I am done applying for music schools I am going to throw myself in to learning as much Japanese as possible before I leave this awesome country. I had an awesome time with Dave, Kevin, Vanessa, Erin, Corey, Jack and I’m sure some other peeps I am forgetting! I hope we can continue to hang out together as much as possible! Though it is always a challenge to balance all my personal quests with a social life, since I spend every non-working waking moment writing, singing, studying or exercising. Oh, what a life! and Katherine will be here in 9 days! I am so happy!

    Also, I need to give myself full props for having the courage to wear a sexy bright red size 10 dress given my body issues! But I just couldn’t be a jazz singer without a sexy dress. Seeing the video is a reality check for both how much I really am going to love being in shape again AND how much more in touch with my body I am now than I’ve ever been, even when I was my proper weight, because of all the work I’ve been doing. This week my food groove was off because it suddenly got cold and my body’s needs shifted, but next week I have a better idea of how to do a winter version of my food routine, so alls well. I also got support about my weight and healthy lifestyle from Dave and Corey, which was awesome. Also got to chat about queer stuff with Dave, which was so therapeutic… I hadn’t realized how much I missed my usual dose of gay, and it was nice to be out to real humans instead of pretending to be Joe American at school. All in all, this day was fantastic!

    Teaching has become manageable!


    2010 - 09.14

    Just a quick post to say that teaching has now become doable. It is no longer eating my every waking hour and giving me nightmares. I ride my new folding bike to school, prep in the space between classes, teach increasingly better, then ride home and do my ‘real’ life. So the crazy time has passed and I am spending a lot of time focusing on my novel and other awesome projects that I will mention in a later post.

    Second week so much better already


    2010 - 09.07

    Today I feel proud of myself, accomplished and competent! This weekend I made myself relax and not prep, as I had prepping burn out and wasn’t really retaining anything. So after deciding to prep in a general sense, and use the little pauses in class to insto-prep, my classes were all successful, I didn’t make my bosses nervous by seeming unsure about the schedule, and I taught the best I have so far. So yay for relaxing! And tonight I didn’t bring home the books to prep with at all. Now I get dinner and am going to watch something. Only down thing was battling ants when I got home- apparently you have to have covered garbage cans, so shopping time! And I was able to scare the ants away with incense and rubbing lavender deodorant all over their tracks, so my hippie sensibilities are intact. bbye!

    First week of teaching


    2010 - 09.05

    I am so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I forgot how much the learning curve of a new teaching job sucks the life out of me. I begin to forget that I am anything but a teacher, and have any responsibilities or rights outside of being a teacher. I have 28 classes a week with over 75 students across 11 different curricula (4 main categories). Each of the 4 categories of curricula has a specific formula for delivering content, rituals for each transition in class, and even verbal patterns that the kids depend on for knowing what is expected. I learned in my first kids’ class that they literally only know the vocabulary, sentence patterns and instructions that they have been taught before: the difference between an ESL environment (where English is spoken around them outside of class) and the EFL environment that is Japan. I had understood this intellectually during my training, but the impact on the classroom environment is staggering. So much of what I do to entertain my native English students in my previous schools just confuse the poor students here. And I am learning quickly that “sit down” will always result in them sitting, while “have a seat” makes them all look at me funny. (more…)

    Training


    2010 - 08.19

    Greetings! it’s been a while since I’ve updated and a lot has happened. This week i started training at my new English teacher job and so far I am both pretty impressed with the job description details and the support and training we have received. The company I am working for has several “luxuries” that have never been present in my other full-time teaching positions: training and observation, a pre-existing teaching system, and COURSEWARE! I cannot even tell you how excited I am that the most I will need to do in terms of writing new courseware is look up activity variations and fit them into the existing textbook lesson structure! (more…)

    Black hair pics are up on Media page!


    2010 - 08.08

    I am really liking my hair black- I figure if it can’t be rainbow, might as well go to the other color extreme, eh?

    And it makes my rainbow accessories stand out more! :D

    This week I have been preparing for work by getting professional clothes shipped to my sister in Boston and then relayed to me (thanks, Katherine!)… and other than that I have been watching a lot of anime. Ahem, I mean “practicing japanese”. My sleep schedule has slowly slipped backwards far enough that I am now waking up when it is dark and going to bed after it’s light, so I am going to put it back to something reasonable before training starts next week. I actually really enjoy my reverse schedule to a certain extent… especially since it is so hot here. I think  waking up as late as 4 or 5 and going to bed around 6 or 7 is fine, but after a while I start to feel… dislodged… like now, so I start over. Not getting any sunlight makes me crazy.  I really miss the weather I am used to, and strangely enough, when I think of “home”/America, it is California that is calling to me, in environment, anyway, even though I’ve lived in Boston for 6 years. Travelling has really shown me what my Dad told me when I was a teenager, that California really does have a huge variety of biomes and the most pleasant weather… and I might end up choosing it as my permanent home eventually, or at least somewhere on that coast. Yes, i’m feeling a bit homesick, so I am glad that I will be getting my own apartment in two weeks so I can start making a nest of familiarity for myself! My sister is sending spearmint tea and rose incense along with my clothes to that end. :)

    Professional Appearances


    2010 - 08.03

    MORE PICS IN MEDIA SECTION

    So I am now living in a town called Yotsukaido, near Chiba city, and I am staying in the “guesthouse” for my new job’s company with a couple of other teachers until training is over. Training starts in 2 weeks on August 16th and I have until then to transform my wardrobe from funky rogue wanderer to professional teacher. Happily, I have the funds to do so through some serendipitous and generous combination of events. So the main quest is twofold: clothes, and hair. (more…)

    Friendship


    2010 - 07.30

    I am grateful that my travels have given me the opportunity to ponder and experiment with one of the main topics I want to explore: friendship. What does it mean to be a friend? Are there criteria? Who chooses the criteria? Who judges the fitness? Is it a completely mutual process (do all parties have to agree on terms in order to move forward)? Or can one person decide that their relationship constitutes friendship and act accordingly? Is it really so shameful if intimacy is assumed too soon? Or is it worth taking the risk for fear of losing opportunities? Is being considered a friend ever truly an insult? Or conversely, is it always a compliment to be treated as a friend? (more…)

    I got the job! I can stay in Japan!!!


    2010 - 07.26

    And it’s at the location I wanted! And they even offered to let me stay in their guest house for only $10 a day (half as expensive as the cheapest hostel) until my job starts on August 16th! Then I have a week of training, a week of paid observation, and then I start work! Holy crap! Yayayayayayayayayayay! Relieved does not even begin to describe how I feel! There is still a chance that I may have to leave the country to go get my visa, which means I would have to borrow money, but since I have a job I really could pay it back!

    The people there seem really kind and find my enthusiasm amusing, so I think this is a good fit. I am going to get a packet of info by email today, which I sign and fax back over to them to confirm my acceptance of the position. Then I need to dye my hair, acquire business clothes and my textbooks from home, and then start preparing to teach and get ready to do the dance of becoming a resident of Japan!

    I will be living in Ichihara, Chiba Prefecture; and hour away from Tokyo by train and an hour away from the beach. I am eventually going to get a scooter for beach runs. I was pretty sure they were going to offer me a job, but I was afraid it would be the other position, way out in Gunma, hours away from Tokyo… so yay! AND I get to stop applying for jobs every day! *jumps around* And today is 2 months exactly from leaving Boston!

    Killing time with creativity


    2010 - 07.25

    So I am basically waiting around until that company tells me if I got either of the two jobs I am in the running for. One of them is in the mountains hours away from Tokyo, so I’m hoping it’s the other one, but who knows. I should hear by Wednesday, and then training is just 2.5 weeks after that.

    The good new is that my writer’s block, which has been in place since 1998, has begun to lift and I suddenly have at least 3 projects I’m working on: a silly rewrite of Pirates of Penzance that involves a Pirate Queen and a kickass Mabel, an autobiography, and a sci-fi/fantasy about ‘real’ inner children. The last two may be woven into one story, if I can manage to figure out how to balance factual authenticity and elemental truth. I also have some poetry and songs and music and visual art things rambling about up there, too. An anime might just be the perfect medium to blend all of this into.

    It feels so good to be in this place again. When I was in high school it was assumed by a lot of people that I would end up as a professional creative writer, but, like my singing I never had the confidence or sense of refinement that would have allowed me to integrate feedback or to really polish a work of art into something I felt was, not finished, but settled into itself. It feels really right for me to be revving up my art-side again. I fear the power of this side of me; my talent and what I could communicate and share. It’s shocking when I get a glimpse of my own freed imagination, but hey, I said this journey is all about dis-inhibiting myself, so here goes.

    And I think this is only partially related to losing my PDA as this process had already started a couple weeks ago, but hey, who knows.

    I lost my itouch!


    2010 - 07.24

    I am so pissed and sad! I even heard it fall out of it’s pocket and hit the door of the taxi as I was getting in, but at the time I thought it was just my backpack hitting the door. I realized it was missing like 1 minute later because I had just been reading a book on it and wanted to get back to it. I looked everywhere in the taxi, and when I got to my hostel and couldn’t find it, I asked the taxi driver to take me back to the train station and he wouldn’t! I was shocked! So I had to track down another taxi, but when I got there it wasn’t on the ground. I found a police officer and went through the process of getting someone who spoke English on the phone, walking around trying to find the police station and filing a report. Hopefully whoever picked it up will contact me by the email address that is on the wallpaper, but I made it decorative, and I’m afraid the amount of English might intimidate someone and they won’t see the email address. I don’t know.

    I used that thing a million times every day, for reading books and playing games, taking notes that are now gone, using the map app to find my way around and, of course, my entire music collection. My laptop doesn’t have the music on it, either- it’s only on the hard drive with my friend in Boston. and i just downloaded robot unicorn attack on it, too! :P

    hopefully my travel insurance will reimburse me, but as it was essentially my fault, I’m not sure.

    ~~~~~~~ additional~~~~~~~~~

    After thinking about why this has affected me so much, I realized that the itouch was the only consistent thing that I interacted with every day, and shared my experiences with, really. In a sense, I think it was a surrogate friend to me in that it was the object that I sent my attention toward in each event each day. Without my itouch to ‘talk to’, sudden loneliness came over me as the shield of knowing my distance from my loved ones dissolved. Knowing this, I am feeling a lot better about the loss- at least I understand why I was kicking myself so hard for losing it. Perhaps it was anger at myself for choosing to leave my loved ones behind for this journey, which I still probably haven’t properly mourned. My social life has always been somewhat of a paradox, having been used to isolation as a child and yet still loving human intimacy so much. Being alone in Japan without my close friends is going to be harder on me than I realized. As I start to let in not seeing them for so long, the dream of living internationally starts to lose its lustre a bit. I’ve only been away for two months so far. It’s not always a longing for them, an emotion of missing them… rather it is like a hole in myself, and I can feel along the boundaries that something is missing, those little moments of fellowship that filled my days in Boston. I hadn’t known how much those would mean to me, especially as I was used to be alone for so long during my foundational years. During that time, I had my dog, Ginger, who was my best friend and, although brilliant for a dog, was simple enough to project my companionship needs on to. I did a similar thing with my baby siblings, too. Did I do something similar with my PDA? It makes me laugh to think so, and yet being without it there is a semblance of that same loss.

    Well, at least it gives me an excuse to get the new iPhone when I buy a cell phone for Japan!

    Protected: Money


    2010 - 07.22

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    Protected: Leaving Nikko, Back to Tokyo


    2010 - 07.18

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    GIANT F-ING SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!!!


    2010 - 07.14

    okay, so you know me, i can deal with bugs. usually i’m the girl that saves the other girls from creepy crawlies. i was raised to pick up tarantulas, and even fast moving wolf spiders I will rescue and put outside. but there is one spider i cannot handle and that sends survival electric shock to my nervous system. that spider, my friends, is the orb weaver. this spider, maybe, with legs is only a couple inches in diameter. but it makes these huge webs that spanned between the trees and the house i grew up in and you could walk into them and not know where the spider was on you, and it could curl into a hard protective shell thing and then pop out and run all over you. they are the only spiders that can make me yelp or jump up and down. nevertheless, as a dutiful big sister, i often led the way down our driveway with a stick over my head and my little siblings following me, so that I would get spidered and not them.

    so you should all be very proud of me that i did not scream at the top of my soprano lungs and break down the walls try to get away from this:

    It’s still in there! it’s 130am right now and I made a note to others because I don’t know if it’s poisonous or not and no way am I self-sacrificial enough to try and put that thing outside! So no going to the bathroom for me. and I have to shower in the morning! When I went to put the “danger, giant spider” sign on the door… I couldn’t find it! I didn’t look very long, but it wasn’t where it had been!!!!! eeeeeeeeee! i slid the bathroom door closed, scanned the hallway, closed my door (of course, directly across hall from bathroom) and then put one of my sarongs to cover the crack at the bottom of the door… but that thing is huge! if it really wanted to get me, it could lift the sarong!!! *whimper*

    And I did a web search for “big japanese spider” to see if I could find out if it was potentially deadly and thus should wake up the owner, and what do I discover? The thing is a type of orb weaver! Of course, the spider that haunts me would be kin to my original spider trauma! AAAAH! So I am so pumped full of adrenaline right now that I am actually shaking, and I am SURE I am not going to be able to go to bed anytime soon! I am sitting without my feet on the floor, barricaded in my room! So I guess I will have to watch more anime in an attempt to distract myself, though I know as soon as I decide to get in bed that I will be reminded…. uuhhhh…

    It has rained every day and is raining now, and I am living in a forest in Nikko so this shouldn’t be surprising, but… GIANT F-ING SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM!

    *prays* please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…please don’t build a orb-weaver web in the bathroom…

    Thank goodness this job will have an irregular commute…


    2010 - 07.11

    I should be working 1pm-9pm, so I will (hopefully) be able to avoid this: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7142680690427184097#

    Second interview- success!


    2010 - 07.09

    I had my second interview with American Language Schools and my interviewer said that he was recommending me for the position, and at the location I wanted. I don’t know for sure if I have the job yet, but it sounds likely! Based on my contact with the staff there, it sounds like an organized, professional, but also student-first business. I suppose only time will tell, but the teachers, at least, seem to have their heart in the right place. I was really pleased with how I interviewed, too- I was able to be myself and not just say what they wanted to hear, so I think I presented myself authentically, complete with ways I am awesome and ongoing learning projects. One question took me aback though, as he described my impressive resume and experience in education/human services, he said, “Don’t you think you’re out of our league? What should I tell my supervisor if he is worried about someone with your qualifications settling for this job? ” I didn’t know what to say for a minute, because I had been told so many times that TEFL in Japan is so competitive that I might not even be able t get a job at all. I figured having the Masters was an advantage, but with this question I am wondering if that is why I have not been getting many return queries.  I ended up saying something distinguishing teaching TEFL as a different field that I had worked in directly before (aka I was a beginner; not sure if this was a good idea, but it’s what I came up with on the spot), and the basic fact that I really wanted to do it. I don’t think I exactly answered his question, since I think what he was getting at was “What’s going to keep you from leaving when a position that pays to your qualifications offers you a job?”. And I have to admit that, if someone offered me WAY above what they were paying, of course I would consider it, but if my experience is a quality one, and the salary is enough to cover my expenses, why change? Changing would keep me from getting deeper into the expertise and relationships that I had already begun to build, and depth is the main quality I am hoping to get from my experience in Japan. So I don’t know if I was really able to communicate that in the interview, but I think my overall attitude points toward this sort of conclusion anyway, so maybe he picked up on it. He did say that several of my answers were what he was looking for, and he said he was recommending me, so I suppose it was good enough, if fumbly. But it also gave me the confidence to act with confidence in the position because my experience is valued and they are counting on me to use what I know, which is refreshing from other positions I’ve had.

    The location is, I think, ideal, based on my calculations. I wanted to be close to both Tokyo (or another major city) and a beach with big waves. Well, the waves that the surfers advised are on the pacific side, but Tokyo itself is in a bay behind a peninsula, so quite far away from the beaches. So, the city the job is in, Ichihara, Chiba Prefecture, is almost exactly half way between Tokyo and the beach! It takes about an hour to get to either, so it is possible to do weekends, for sure, and even part of the day. I will have to get some kind of transportation, probably a scooter, to hail back to my latter UCSC days if I want to go into the city for late night dancing, because my daily schedule sounds like it will be 1pm to 9pm (perfect for sleeping!) and the subway closes at midnight. Also the train stops short of the beaches, so having my own beach scooter would be ideal! And Chiba is the city that I have had the most comfort in, actually, being stranded there twice on the way to and from Kamogawa forced me to get to know the area!

    The location is here!

    The job would start with training mid_august and I would be teaching Sept 1st, to get my first paycheck Oct 1st, so I will be WWOOFing until I start to save my cash. This is starting to look like it is going to work out!

    Must resist exploding all rugby…


    2010 - 07.06

    I am so hungry. I am also going to kill the giant 24+ british rugby team that has been here the whole time i’ve been. they’re so loud (until 4am), they trash the place (to the extent that the damages they have to pay are ‘less than kyoto’, which implies they go from place to place detraying things) and completely the most unabashed misogynistic and homophobic and racist utterly low people i have ever personally seen in action. i’m guessing they are all in college, so suddenly i am appreciating the maturity of my college friends. i have no idea why they are in japan because all they seem to want to do is ’shag Jap birds’ and then complain about STDs. i know way more about their habits than i should by sitting here in the common area on my computer. they are so loud, they are an entire pub all by themselves, and my ears ring when they shout at each other. i just cover my ears when there is a goal on FIFA. they went out to drink, and have now come back with six packs of beer each. please tell me this isn’t a british guy thing… it makes me appreciate my resident british guy 400% more than i already do! but, they have food, so i am jealous. *drinks more tea*

    I love the upswings the best…


    2010 - 07.06

    So a WWOOF host got back to me! On July 8th I will be helping out at a lodge in Nikko, one of the most famous places for temples, waterfalls and onsen! Not much to complain about, especially as the physical labor potential is much lower that some of the other ones that I applied to (one was with a lumberjack, even)! They need help with hotel-like tasks, and their website, and landscaping tasks. So I get paid in 2 days, and then it only costs $30 to get there, and I will be able to save most of the rest because the work is in exchange for room and board. So they have net access so I can do interviews and apply for jobs while I’m there, too! So, as long as I don’t die of starvation tomorrow (which would be really impressive) then this should cover the difficult patch until I get a job. I should be able to stay with them until then, I think. Yay! and PHEW!

    It’s not authentic if I don’t post about the bad stuff, too.


    2010 - 07.05

    ug. today sucks. i am hiding in the common floor of the hostel i stayed at this weekend hoping they don’t notice that i checked out this morning so I can use their wifi and sleep on the couch for a couple days until my next paycheck posts. i have $20 to my name but i can’t take out the money because the smallest denomination in the ATM is more than i have in my account. so i literally have no money (a couple bucks in change) and the only food i have left is 1 piece of bread and some PB and jam. so i have been applying for every job i can find but none of them would start now, anyway (they all start the last week of august). i don’t know how i’m going to have money after 2 more weeks when my unemployment runs out. i’m pretty scared. and the WWOOF season is pretty full, too, so the hosts i have been spamming can’t take me either, which would be a free way to hang out until i get hired, and then i could just spend my last unemployment check on transportation… ug, but i would need transportation to the job, too. sucks. the money ‘wasted’ on china is really going to bite me in the ass. and i still have so much to learn about shoestringing it but have no time for a learning curve. i don’t really know how to do this all above board, but many of the people i respect for their vagabonding are somewhat ethically grey pragmatists, so maybe i just need to stop being so puritan about it. not sure yet, but i am going to need to get creative. maybe it will just suck for these 2 days and then i will have another check that i can do better with. but only 2 more left after that. also, i have no interview clothes. i really hope i can get a job, otherwise i am going to have to… come home? i don’t think there is anywhere else i am more employable than here right now. again, sucks.

    to kill time i have spent this weekend rewatching Evangelion, and am now catching up on the movies that were relased after the series, the last one just this year. there are posters all over the place for it, so i feel like i am catching up on the big thing in japan right now. however, this anime is one of the darkest, most distressing, overhaul by trauma pieces of media ever created, so my mood is very possibly being dragged into the land of melancholy by all the existential issues surfacing. but last night i wrote a very clear piece of prose on my old relationship, which, given that the theme of Evangelion could be considered as the boundaries between hearts and bodies and souls, seemed apt. so melancholy usually gives me permission to let in my own thoughts on topics that i can’t face in the day to day, so it is useful to me. and i’m not despairing, for all that i have reason to. i’m in japan, and i haven’t died yet with all the bad stuff i’ve gone through, so I will manage to work this out is some weird, sequoia-esque way as usual. i just don’t know what it’s going to look like yet and that has me nervous. i wish i could have more control than i have, but i think i have literally applied to every TEFL position posed on the web at this point, but i’m looking for more.

    the good news is, the more creative i get at surviving in japan with no money, the more real adventures i will have, and the more interesting my blog will be. so you have that to look forward to.

    time to think about what services are in place for baka gaijin who run out of money…

    Started applying for TEFL jobs yesterday…


    2010 - 07.03

    and I have an interview tomorrow at noon! It’s just a screening interview with a recruiter, but it’s for the area where that beach I like is from, so that would be awesome if it were near the coast. Farther away from Tokyo than I would like, but I’m figuring out that I am probably going to have to choose between beach and big city. Wish me luck!

    Chiba and Kamogawa


    2010 - 07.02

    Shanghai is apparently going to get neglected in my blog, because most of those impressions proved fleeting in the face of my first week in Japan. Except for the pretty substantial amount of monetary stress I am under to find a job, I am having an amazing time. Japan is a lot of what I thought it would be, which surprises me, actually, given the hype about it being completely unfathomable to westerners. I am learning the language at a rate I am quite happy with, as most of it is doing a more permanent matching of audio to subtitles and then making myself say it out loud and get over stage fright. Some phrases I can say only when NOT looking at the romanji, which makes me wonder if I am saying them right, but I know for sure that they sound weird when I try to say them as written, even at semi-proper speeds. For several days, the phrase ‘wakarimasen’ was going through my head, usually appearing when a conversation hit an obstacle that I didn’t know how to get around. But I didn’t know what wakarimasen meant until I looked it up. It means ‘I don’t understand’! So I knew what to say, but I didn’t let my instinct go through. (more…)

    Media Section has Pictures and a Video!


    2010 - 06.29

    In staying overnight at a net cafe, I finally had enough internet time to upload everything! Please enjoy!

    http://www.sequoiawild.org/media/

    I have a hell of a lot to post about…


    2010 - 06.28

    but mainly i seem to have found japan in japan.

    http://www.media-cafe.ne.jp/tenpo/chiba/index.htm

    i forgot, that in missing my gaming, that i would be in game world.

    Addition- I was originally going to try and stay in a capsule hotel here in Chiba http://theinn.jp/view/2-5F.html but it is only for men. So instead I rented a bed cubicle at the net cafe! Yes, you heard me, d\for the same price as a hostel, I can game for 10 hours and sleep in a bed couch thing. They even have showers here!

    I frikken love Japan. And I am mostly done learning hiragana!

    Oh! Does my blog print hiragana? ひらがな did that work? I am now going to write a full update on my Izu excursion, and hopefully get my images to finally upload!

    Japan totally wins…


    2010 - 06.24

    the potential residence contest compared to China. I have been here 3 hours and I feel so much calmer, it’s amazing. Even understanding 1% more language makes all the difference, being less intimidated by reading the characters, and being able to be polite with the majority of the struggle being courage to open my mouth and not the complete lack of memory about what to say… not to mention the infinitely cleaner environs and familiar styles of advertisements and mannerisms… its almost like I got to go home for a break. the stress flowing off me is palpable, and will be helped by a trip to the local onsen this evening. I’m going to take a day, probably, to check out tokyo, and then get my ass to the beach, pronto. Also, I didn’t sleep last night, so a lot of that is going to happen, too.

    Protected: After “The Kung Fu Kid” Dialogue


    2010 - 06.24

    This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


    Last Post of Wudangshan


    2010 - 06.18

    Before this gets too out of date, I am posting the text. I need a lot of upload time on china’s bandwidth to get the pictures up and the display plug-in working, so I’ll likely just upload everything when I get to Japan. but here is the reading… :)

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I left Wudangshan this morning and am now on the train to Shanghai. My leaving felt… curious; as we pulled away from the school I felt some pangs of loss at the knowledge of how to navigate these streets becoming unneeded, regret that I would not be able to prove my tough skin 1000 times a day with the sights I was passing. It felt very strange, like perhaps, having given myself permission to feel how I felt about China that it no longer held sway or power over me. Maybe like the Buddhist distinction between suffering and pain. Seeing distressing things, I was able to say to myself, “There is one of those things I don’t like to be exposed to” instead of “there’s an onslaught of those things that I have to force myself to enjoy or approve of if I want to think of myself as a good person”. The thing is the same, but my self-honesty has moved me out of a suffering place, and thus I can begin to appreciate the appreciable in Wudangshan and China in general. I don’t think this means I’m leaving too soon, but I do think it has taught me a valuable lesson about “wherever you go, there you are” and “the grass is greener on the other side” and other clichés of travel.

    I also think this shift was helped by my visit to Wudang Mountain yesterday (more…)

    Kung Fu Dance Party!


    2010 - 06.16

    Tonight my school had a party that was also a bit of a talent show, so I went up and sang Lush Life, and it was received enthusiastically. My two closet friends at the school, Thomas and Jake, both said they enjoyed it, and even shifu made a point to compliment me, as did several others, foreigners and Chinese alike. It meant a lot to me on this journey toward healing my voice and my relationship with music and performing. I don’t remember how it came up, but the week before I had explained to Thomas about my decade off from singing and how my voice had deteriorated, and a few days after that Fifth Element was mentioned, so I was able to use that as an example of what I had been able to sing but could no longer, really, at all. So he knew something about what it meant for me to sing. This made me consider: if this is how I sound after not having sung for ten years, and everyone enjoyed it and considered me to have a lot of talent, just how would my voice sound if I dedicated myself to training again? And in this performance I did what I always used to do- I didn’t warm up at all, just got up and sang, and used my ability to feel what my voice was up to in order to alter my expression around where my voice was limber. And my breathing automatically settled into supporting me, and I had fun listening to the sound of my voice (and on a microphone, which is extra fun). So, I can’t really pretend that I don’t know how to sing anymore, or that my singing has deteriorated so far that it is hopeless to ‘get back’ what I had lost during my Lost Decade. Last year I promised myself that I would sing anytime someone asked me to or there was an opportunity for open performance, and it has been a very healing experience. No one has come out of the shadows and booed, like Buttercup’s nightmare in The Princess Bride, which I think I expect due to old experiences.

    This era of my life is so exciting.

    Additional, added on train:

    I left without saying goodbye to my friends at the school. I could have woken up early and sat with them while they gathered to train, but I told myself I was too tired from packing the night before. I think it was actually a tolerating the good problem- everyone had been exceedingly kind and welcoming and helpful and fun, and I was going to miss them. If I had said goodbye, I ran the risk of being told I would be missed, or receiving compliments or well-wishes- signs of actual friendship that would have been hard to tolerate because they contrast so strongly how I expect to be treated or thought of. I think everyone deals with this on some level, and in retrospect I wish I had been a little braver. As it is, I left a note on Jake’s door to share my contact info with others. I truly hope people contact me!

    We’re in Shanghai, so I need to run!

    I will now be in Japan on the 24th of June!


    2010 - 06.14

    I am so grateful to my supportive friends who have encouraged me to trust myself. I am so excited about getting to Japan, I can’t even believe it. And I found a couple teaching jobs that look less corporate and more creative, too! And one of them is even right on the coast in shingu, which is farther away from tokyo than I think I want, but close to osaka, which will be fun in its own way. I’m not sure how the beaches are, but I will head by there in a couple weeks to find out. And I’m never sure how to explain in a professional manner how fun and silly I am… “goofball who can take things seriously when needed” doesn’t sound official enough. So excited! I cannot WAIT to go swimming in the ocean, watch the sunset from an onsen, and drink miso soup all day long! Vacation, here we come! *bounce*

    Oh yeah, and 4 days in Shanghai, too! whee!

    Getting honest about China


    2010 - 06.13

    There has been a pressure building since I arrived in Hong Kong that in my attempts to be mature, reasonable, politically correct and tough I have been suppressing. Thanks to a Yoko Kanno playlist inspired cry, I have remembered myself and my goals, and this has allowed me to get honest.

    I don’t like it here. I really enjoy the people at the school, foreigners and Chinese alike. And surprisingly, I enjoy the training sessions a lot. I thought they would be the aspect I would have to push through to allow myself to get what I want out of this experience, and they’re not. I am going at my own pace, a pace that I am setting for myself as slightly faster than I usually think is possible for myself (Piaget would be proud- ZPD), and I am meeting it. I am sore and muscle-exhausted, but feeling alive and accomplished after a session, and I am learning every moment—the training is exhilarating and rewarding and physically difficult but emotionally doable. I have complaints about the school, but they’re not a big deal; overall, everyone is kind and accommodating and supportive. I feel confident that I will be able to take 90% of what I have learned with me into my life, which was one of my main goals. I have learned that I don’t necessarily need a residential kung fu school to move me forward, but I can see at some point of fitness and expertise me wanting to do the residential route again. Overall, I am pleased with my experience at the school. It’s China I can’t stand.

    (more…)

    I’m heading to Japan the first week of July!


    2010 - 06.10

    I am taking the train to Shanghai on July 1st, then spending 4 nights there (I hope to like it more than Hong Kong, and the Expo is going on there), and then I fly to Tokyo on July 6th! I was going to wait longer to book everything, but STA UK and US (thank you Skype) thought that the Delta fare I found was a fluke ($200+ cheaper) and to book it ASAP. So, yeah! Now I get to learn about Shanghai, book my hostel for that layover, and then figure out what the heck I am going to do once I get to Japan. I registered for WWOOFing there, so I’ll probably do a couple days in Tokyo just to walk around with my jaw dropped and then head to the beach in Shimoda on the Izu peninsula, hangout at a onsen before I run out of money and then WWOOF and look for jobs teaching English or Psych at a college. And, somehow, that’s all the planning I needed for Hong Kong, so that’s probably fine for Japan for now, too. That’s weird to me, that it takes so little actual planning. I can’t wait to arrive in the land where my foreign language instinct is finally correct! I keep going “Arigato”, “Umm, merci”, “Uhh… syeh syeh”. This will be very vindicating.

    The only tricky parts are 1) japan is one of those countries where they want to see proof that you have continuing travel tickets before the end of your visa (3 months), and 2) you can only get a work permit if you are outside of japan. So I may need to buy a ferry ticket or something before I arrive, and by the first week of October I may need to make a stopover in another cool place when I get a job. I really want the job to handle getting me an apartment because good grief is the process convoluted and is usually about 6 months rent upfront (which the school will cover most of when I am hired). So i will use the WWOOFing to find a nice place to live and work. ON A BEACH. NEED BEACH SO BAD. It has been almost 6 years since I lived in Mission Beach and I can feel it in my bones! Alright. Now for media entertainment before sleep. Mwa!

    How I love external hard drives…


    2010 - 06.09

    and fellow students who bring them to China! I have been craving media in the evenings, and until today was denied internet, and even now am blocked by the great firewall and prohibitively slow ISP + proxy… so I was so happy when a new friend has lent me his HD to copy many medias! And I am giving him many medias in return- it turns out he likes Nightwish, so I’m giving him Within Temptation to see if he likes them. Yay! So I will have things to watch while traveling and resting! *does a little jig*

    On a related note, the guy who installed my DSL uninstalled my wireless card drivers! I am not convinced it was nessasry, and I have yet to find out if reenstalling them worked. I am trying to set up a wireless router (it’s so cute!) so I can use wifi for my itouch, but my net access is so finicky that there’s not telling what will happen… so if I’m not online again for a while, you know I got in over my head!

    Last night I got surprise unprotected wifi and got to talk to my sister on the phone for about an hour- what a sanity saver! If I can get the wifi speed up a but I should be able to call more people soon! <3

    Ji ben Ch’uan


    2010 - 06.08

    So the movie I made of my coach is too big, but if you guys search for “Wudang Basic Fist Ji ben Ch’uan” you will get a bunch of videos on youtube to see the form I am learning! I can’t check them out from here as youtube is blocked… but have fun! I’m about halfway through it already! I can’t wait until I have the flexibility, strength and speed to execute it  prettily! Because pretty is the whole point, obviously! ;P

    Wudang Ji Ben Quan

    Fourth Day of Training


    2010 - 06.07

    Yesterday, on my third day of training, my spirits were back up. I had more “jaio” (sp; focus/energy/heart/power) and started breaking into that realm of training where I began to see where things were headed. So it felt good, and the pain from the previous day wasn’t exactly faded, but it had changed to something that felt productive. However, during the second training session I had to run to the bathroom because the water had finally caught up with me. Luckily I had a prescription for that, but until it kicked in I had to run to the bathroom every few minutes, so no second practice for me. Then, this morning, I wanted to be sure it was taken care of since the practice area is a 10 minute walk from here and I knew I wouldn’t make it if the problem wasn’t solved. So I am averaging 1 practice session a day, which, honestly. I’m fine with. My main problem is missing my new friends by staying alone in my room, but they are so welcoming and accepting that it doesn’t look like I’m ostracizing myself too much by being the problem child. Speaking of which, I poured water at a rolling boil all over my right hand this morning while trying to make breakfast! The electric kettle caught on its base and I poured it all over me, luckily not on my laptop which was way too close. So I have been sitting with my hand in a bowl all day, and in fact brought it to practice so that at the end of every kick line I could soak it until it was my turn.  (more…)

    First two days of training…


    2010 - 06.05

    It is taking all my self-control not to run away. Really. Everything hurts, the food makes my stomach turn, everything is weird and depressing if I think about it too much, and I only understand what a select group of people are saying. Living in China is not at all what I had geared myself up for. The people are great; fun, supportive, friendly and serious about learning kung fu. Just who I wanted to be with here. My body and mind are learning so much about themselves and kung fu- I can’t believe I’ve only attended 3 training sessions. As I explained to some costudents today- my goals are to 1) not injure myself, and 2) don’t quit. (more…)

    Guangzhou and Train Ride


    2010 - 06.02

    Today has been a day of big thoughts, and I don’t think it’s just because I’m reading Neal Stephenson again. Man, do I love his style- I feel my brain expanding to align with the depth/breadth of his universe… good stuff.

    So the last few days have been pretty crazy, though in the end, relaxed, somehow. On the train out of Hong Kong I realized I left my camcorder and iRiver  underneath my bunk in the hostel. I was trying not to wake up the others, as I was leaving at 5am, and I remember thinking, “I should do a last check back in the dark underbed spots”, quickly followed by, “Nah”. Well, maybe I’ll be able to get a claim from my traveler’s insurance, or the hostel found them (they’re attached to each other in little sleeping bag pockets) and set them aside and I can wire the money for them to send them to my school, we’ll see. The hostel manager said she’s willing, so perhaps it will work out. I’m finding that the greatest losses are not the equipment itself, necessarily, but the recordings from group I put (only) on the iRiver, and the convenience of having my own camcorder (although my still camera does movies of acceptable quality, too). The school might have a camera they let me use, regardless. So besides running around trying to catch a train in HK, that’s how my day started, and I did not have as good an attitude about it yesterday. (more…)

    Hong Kong Overview


    2010 - 05.31

    I’ve only been in Hong Kong for three days and I’ve already figured out that there is no way for me to capture all the noteworthy experiences I’ve had/things I’ve seen. Everything is already blurring together, so here is a brief outline for me to remember- more detailed stories will be added of my favorite events as I have time! I will hopefully be able to post all my pictures soon. I accidentally left my camera on 14 megapixel setting so I have to convert them all to small before any website will allow me to upload them! I have included some below for visual entertainment, but I want to get them all in a slideshow app soon. Enjoy!

    NOTE: I haven’t figured out how to have the captions not be white text on a white background yet, so if you want to read them I suggest highlighting them! Sigh, technical difficulties… And yes, changing the text color doesn’t work… :P

    Day 0: Thursday May 27th

    • Took airport express train to shuttle to Chungking Mansions area. So far so good.
    • Got accosted by Indian hotel salesman to rent a room in his business in same building as my reservation. Decided to follow him just to find where I was going. Got talked into walking down seedy alley, but was okay. Commenced negotiations before remembering what I had paid in the first place, what the exchange rate was, and what I wanted. Finally managed to escape respectfully and he walked me to the correct elevator.
    • Checked in and was not accosted. Saw bathroom and laughed (the shower is in the same small room with the toilet and sink, so when you shower you are also spraying the toilet! EEEEW…..). Met nice kiwi guy dormmates. Took shower with sarong curtain awkwardness (Since door is only frosted plastic, decided to duct tape sarong over door. It fell as I was showering and the sweet kiwi guys scrambled to restick it- it fell again but eventually stayed. Much awkward laughing was had!) Fell asleep- first real sleep in about 4 days, with all the packing and leaving!

    See the showerheads coming out of the wall on the left?

    (more…)