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    • Archive for January, 2012

    32 and careerless


    2012 - 01.08

    Posted in Employment | No Comments »

    I’ve gotten myself into a pickle. Unless I am forgetting something (which is entirely possible) my professional qualifications look like this:

    1. Teaching/Tutoring/Instruction: unlicensed teaching in subjects like high school mathematics and recently English and ESL but also in computers, science and theatre. All ages, weird schools, a year in Japan. I have received the most training in ESL teaching, but still have not embraced it as a career. It looks like, unless I get some sweet corporate gig, this job pays $10-15K less than it does abroad. If I was doing exclusively tutoring, however… but that takes time. I secretly love this job, though. Do I love it enough to really learn how to do it well?
    2. Writing/Editing: All based on natural talent/AP English training for expository style writing. My job at Pearson was my only official editor experience (other than while tutoring) and I didn’t learn any copy editing, so I can’t get copy editing jobs. This job is the nicest blend of left and right brained effort and theoretically pays well, 1:1 or corporate.
    3. Counseling: I have a Master’s degree but have not done my 2 years of post-masters internship or gotten my license. This could turn into something but it would require focusing on it exclusively and would take a while. In the end, this might be the most profitable avenue.
    4. Tech: The last operating system I did anything technical with was Win2K, and even then I was faking it. My quality assurance internship was running ethernet cable and I only know how to talk about computers, not actually write code or admin anything. Plus, doing it is actually not that interesting- more of a spectator sport for me. Microsoft Office is my bitch, but other than (1 or 2) this is just a basic required skill. I could get a job as a lab tech or a customer support guy, but it would pay less than what I am making now. I have no way to make what I might have as a 32-year-old who had stayed in the field.
    5. Performing arts: As much as I would love to get back into it, the last time I was a stage manager was in 1999. I don’t remember how to do lights or sound anymore, either. Not that this would pay well, anyway. But if I wanted to make it happen, I’d find a way. Again, I could get a job in the same role I had when I was 20, but I’d be making dirt.
    6. Martial Arts: A job where I used all of myself would probably the only thing that could hold my passion for the rest of my life. And that means something physical bound with the intellectual, emotional and spiritual satisfaction of the other career paths. Maybe someday this will be what I do, but having taken 1 kendo class and 2 weeks of kung fu, this will need to stay a ’side-passion’ for a long time… decades, maybe… before I will be expert enough to shift it to my main path.
    7. Japanese: There are Japanese teachers in the world, maybe I could be one of them someday? This is probably about as far off as the martial arts one.

    The question


    2012 - 01.08

    Posted in Boston | No Comments »

    How can I return to Japan as an adult?

    Given the answers to that question, is it realistic that I might be prepared to return that way in three months when the new school year starts?

    Exceedingly unlikely.

    Which kind of bravery should I choose? Staying here until I am fully prepared is more practical, but would mean finding another job here that pays much more. In Japan, I’d automatically be making $40K. It is the transition between here and there that is the problem. Last time I did it with about $500 and it felt horrible and was pretty pathetic. That doesn’t count airfare. Do I really want to return to Japan on my knees? Coming home to Boston costed about $5000, all told. Moving back to Japan doesn’t have to cost that much, but wouldn’t it be nice if I was prepared for things to go wrong instead of hoping I got lucky? I do have free places to live with friends now, and I could make sure the contract gets me housing and pay right away…

    Look at me.

    It is SO HARD for me when I have a wish without the means to fulfill it. To admit that waiting is necessary for success. To do the slow work. To hold still.

    This is exactly what I must change in order to be successful in the long term.

    I can’t pretend that returning to something is the same as undoing a choice. I left Japan. I am here now. I can realize that it was a mistake, or accept that it was what I had to do at the time to learn what I needed to learn, or decide that coming to Boston was providence in disguise. It doesn’t really matter what meaning I make of it. I am here. I am not in Japan. I cannot undo. I cannot pretend that returning to Japan is not going to be a total pain in the ass that ‘wastes’ the money I just spent getting back to the US. I cannot pretend that I have already healed all of the issues that got me in trouble last year. I cannot pretend that I am even succeeding right now, given the state of my bank account.

    I am not in a position to do something as dramatic as returning to Japan in three months, and that is the truth.

    Shit.

    Okay. So March 2013 is the goal. That gives me time to prepare.

    1. Get a high paying job.
    2. Pay off credit card and as much of the reentry loan as possible.
    3. Save at least $5000.
    4. Learn Japanese, maybe take the JLPT level 5 or 4 next December.
    5. Keep making Japanese friends and getting involved in Japanese stuff in Boston so that my Japan resources are maxed.
    6. Finish getting into shape, start dating; maybe, if I’m lucky, fall in love with a Japanese bishounen or to return to Japan with.
    7. Figure out what it was that I missed about America when I was in Japan/ what I was so happy to get back when I returned here and consider.

    Caveat: March 2013 is the goal UNLESS I cannot find a higher paying job in Boston, in which case, going back to Japan may be the only way to get me out of debt. If that’s true, then maybe I should apply to jobs in Japan for this year and if I get a gig that sounds ideal I should go for it?

    *pulls hair*

    Japan calls to me


    2012 - 01.07

    Posted in Growth, Japan, Quests, Relationships | No Comments »

    Japan calls to me.

    I needed to come home. I needed to remember that I had a home, that there were people who knew and loved me. I needed to share time with them, let my body recall closeness. These things I will need forever, and I will spend my life learning how to get closer to those I love, how to create a home and a life and walk through fire.

    There was a lot of walking through fire when I left in May 2010, but it had the sort of shoving-myself-from-behind feeling that I have learned means that it was based in illusion. I could only have learned the truth of this by returning. I have tried to capture the learning that I have done ever since I began to awaken to my life, ever since I made the choice to awaken- ever since I changed my name. This awakening comes in layers so fine they resist language.

    Walking through fire with unshakable purpose is new. I am no longer running from something. I am striding toward something. And this something seems to involve an awful lot of Japanese stuff.

    I am awakening to what Japan means to me. I no longer care if this feeling is overly romantic or irrational. Or rather, I am letting go of worrying that others think it is, because I know it’s not. Romance matters to me. It is essential to my happiness. And I am an exceedingly rational person, weaknesses and all.

    Pathologizing gets me nowhere, though it is my oldest habit to worry that I’m doing something wrong. I am learning to believe in myself, my way of living. I have strengths that only emerge when I accept my nature.

    I walk around Boston like I own the place. I do. I learned how to own a city from my brief, nervous adventures getting lost and frustrated in Tokyo. Boston is easy. This sense of competence and mastery feels right. It is my right to feel it. So for a while, I need to soak it up. I need to stay with this feeling of having a right to do what I love. Learning Japanese, kendo, singing, writing, making money, being with loved ones, romance… these sound like a lot of ‘do’, but if you know how I do things, then you know they are actually all ‘be’s. Being is energized for me.

    But then I am going to walk through fire again and do all the things that were below my threshold of tolerance before. All the experiences in Japan that I thought I had no right to do, I am going to do them. The life I was too insecure to build for myself there, I will. Being valued as unique in Boston has undone my ‘just another gaijin’ mentality that poisoned my efforts while living in Japan. When I return, I am going to go all out. The only question is when- the moment when the balance of the learning I am doing in Boston shifts toward the need to move forward in the areas that can only be accomplished in Japan.

    I am starting to understand the power of having a clear, defined goal and putting your all toward it. My goal is so simple I can point to it in my mind instantly, though putting it into words makes it sound needlessly complicated. Luckily, I’m the only one who needs to understand it fully.

    Life is surprisingly straightforward.

    167 lbs, size 12 and… boku wa kendoshi desu!


    2012 - 01.04

    Posted in Badassery, Body, Low-fat Raw Veganism, Weight | No Comments »

    When did this happen?! I’ve crossed the 170 barrier and dropped two clothes sizes since returning to the US. I can now shop in any clothing store I want. I no longer have to look for clothes with Xs on the label.

    I can’t help grinning like an idiot. I keep thinking I must be in one of those stretch mirrors. Where did it go? I have lost 50 pounds of the 70 I gained when I got married! Soon I will fully recognize myself again! Already my curves are returning to the arcs I remember. Thank the goddess for my amazing collagen!

    This is really going to happen! It’s not some miracle, I am doing it every day!

    I’m so happy that the ’secret’ to losing weight was simply finding the foods that my body desired and leaving behind the rest. It took years to learn how to listen since I had been so throughout numbed out, but now there’s no way I would ever shut myself down again! I feel alive!

    Also, I am now a kendoshi! My first kendo practice was this Thursday, wherein we did 2,012 overhead swings, or suburi. I made it all the way through! And I learned a ton. It hurts so much more if you do it wrong! Like any sport, I am realizing, it is designed to make use of the body’s natural way of doing things, thus why unlearning is probably the most difficult stage of learning. I can tell by the blisters and cramps that my posture will be fixed during my study of this art. So much better than pointless physical therapy exercises. This is going to be great. The footwork practice I did has left me with more aches than the arm work, which makes sense given that even my legendary shoulder-neck tension cannot match the ridiculous brute strength of my poor overworked calves. It’s relax or die. Perfect.

    ~

    These two developments combined to make some sleepless nights, just buzzing from the awesomeness that is coming into my life. At 214 pounds, married and miserable, in 2006… it was all I could do to dare to wish I might have my life back and set it on the path that was stolen from me when I made that series of stupid decisions when I was in college, even though I can’t imagine having been able to break free any earlier than I did given what I was up against. But now… now it is in sight. It is not just some theoretical dream. It is blossoming.

    and yes, I’ve decided i’m cool enough to use boku. we’ll see if I can pull it off with the native Japanese. ;P