Sequoia Wild

Returning to America has been so much harder than adjusting to Japan. I have been back for over three months now and I am still disoriented. While it is nice to be able to express myself accurately, the sound of English everywhere is strange on my ears. There is nothing to decode, no bravery involved in speaking, no constant learning every time I interact with the world. I miss this profoundly. All the little changes, the things I saw every day that I didn’t even think to record- now I wish I had pictures of the aisles in my local convenience store, the trains, the signs I looked at while waiting for them… And the people! There are so many blonds in Boston! While in Japan I had the magificant experience of feeling that all people were the same in essence and that the differences were really only trivial when you got right down to it. But back in my home country, I realize how many teeny details went into every gesture, fashion expression, tone of voice and glance of the Japanese and I miss them all. My romantic fascination with Japan is aching for the source of its inspiration. When I hear a group of people who might be speaking Japanese in Boston, I kind of trail after them just to fill my ears. But there are hardly any Japanese in Boston! Even at the restaurants, which are run mainly by Chinese and Koreans, so I can’t even practice ordering food, which is a constant disappointment. Up until a couple weeks ago, I was hearing Japanese in Korean, Chinese and sometimes even in Spanish being spoken around me! I try to speak Japanese to myself and my sister so I won’t lose it, and I talk to my Asian students about topics related to Japan, but its no where near enough.

I will definitely return to live there again, but not alone. Hopefully when I have a family. If I meet a Japanese partner, that would be ideal, so that my children could know the culture of their heritage in a way they wouldn’t in America. And surprisingly, my Japanese language acquisition seems to have sped up since I left. I apparently know WAY more Japanese than I ever gave myself credit for- including sentence structures! Maybe the respite allowed my brain to synthesize and organize everything, but suddenly my fear around grammar and kanji have all but gone and I have decided to study seriously to take the JLPT exam before I return. If I could really speak Japanese when I went back, I could have so much that I denied myself before- friends, being able to find things, dating, working and playing with Japanese in Japanese… it would be amazing. I could learn some of the ancient art forms without feeling like such a poser. In fact, it would be the experience I was hoping for myself the first time but couldn’t make happen.

Am I sorry I left? Yes and no. I think I needed to return home for a reality check. I was shocked to find Boston so clean and pleasant, with so many facilities and areas I had never frequented and a river that was the cleanest one I had seen anywhere in Asia or Europe. I appreciate Boston a lot more and would settle here if California did not exist. I need to get home and feel that sunshine on my skin again, hug my trees, jump through my waves, eat my fresh fruit. So that is my next destination after I get my financial feet under me again, which is well on its way, I’m glad to report.  Coming back also reminded me of the artificiality that is distinctly American and that I will only encounter in greater strength in California, but I feel like I have the perspective and integrity to withstand the pressure to conform to it now after holding to myself in a culture who had no idea what to do with me.  On the other side, as soon as I got here, with no money and facing so much hardship after my stupid panicked-dissociated decisions about ending my job in Japan, I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and undo it all- staying in my cozy apartment, having the daily life I had built, and this time really appreciating what I had there. The good news is that all it takes is saving up airfare to do it again, so I can put my regret to rest with that assurance, even as I know that I will not move to Japan until I have gotten rid of my pending financial obligations and have saved enough money to not have the poor life in that country.

Thank goodness 32 isn’t actually that old. Babies, and therefore, love-of-my-life  and financial/career security need to happen in the next few years; but there’s no reason I can’t move back to Japan when my child is half-grown and I am 50. It’s not like my adventursome spirit is going to decrease! I will never get my 20s back, but that long painful process was required so that I can be free for the rest of my life, so every day is precious. Now I am learning how to give myself the means to do what I really want, not just throw myself forward without support in the desperate hope that I will get some crumbs of my dreams. Now that I know how much awesome is out there, I am going to establish security so that I can explore it all! Yay, attachment resolution! ;)