I am grateful that my travels have given me the opportunity to ponder and experiment with one of the main topics I want to explore: friendship. What does it mean to be a friend? Are there criteria? Who chooses the criteria? Who judges the fitness? Is it a completely mutual process (do all parties have to agree on terms in order to move forward)? Or can one person decide that their relationship constitutes friendship and act accordingly? Is it really so shameful if intimacy is assumed too soon? Or is it worth taking the risk for fear of losing opportunities? Is being considered a friend ever truly an insult? Or conversely, is it always a compliment to be treated as a friend? And all these theoretical, seemingly objective ponderings pale in the face of my personal (and still universal) struggle: Do you like me enough to stay with me when it is not socially advantageous to do so? This insecure question comes from my early school years, when, for all of my ‘friends’, the answer proved to be no, time and time again. I have since discovered that many of the people who I became pitted against socially might have been great true friends if our school dynamics had given the relationship a chance. I think every child experiences this alienation in one form or another while growing up, leaving them with patterns around how they make friends, keep friends, and deepen friendships. I remember thinking that there must be some unwritten rulebook about friendships that everyone else had read but me, and you can see that reflected in those questions above. Over time, I have come to shift how I ‘do’ friendship to something much more spontaneous and heart-centered and much less self-conscious. Now, if I feel affection or shared joy with someone, I let it show and treat them exactly as preciously as I feel they are to me. Before, I would wait for some sort of approval or initiation of agreement on their part, as if they were skittish and any assumed intimacy on my part would make them run for it. I have learned that people enjoy my friendship, and that historically, I define ‘friends’ much more narrowly and wait much longer to consider someone a friend, even if I have actually been feeling pleasantly close to them for much longer. Perhaps it is simple fear of rejection, but it manifests oddly- as if I am trying to spare them from being friends with me unless they are really sure they are willing to pay the price. How sad! The strength and timbre of the distortions we carry around in ourselves always shock me.
As I am increasingly clear about my worth and goodness and desirability, this ‘insecurity’ is melting away, replaced with the gentle confidence and naturally affectionate expressiveness that I remember experiencing for the first time in high school when I found my first group of true peers. It feels wonderful. I can see the rewards I bring to a friendship, and I can see their own self-consciousness melt away when I allow my grounded affectionate way of being with people guide me. As far as power, I am giving myself permission to assume an equal role in determining friend status, instead of waiting, sometimes forever, to be sure I can release my feelings safely. I now know my feelings are not dangerous; plus, they are tempered by the healing work I have done such that the desperate edge of them has evaporated.
Today, I met with an old friend (Dave B) through my ex, who I have known for 10 years (!), and his partner Wendy, who I do not remember meeting before, but may well have. I naturally embraced her when we did that typical ‘handshake or hug dance’ and said, “you’re part of the family!’ to explain my chosen level of intimacy. It just came out, it wasn’t planned, but it felt absolutely right. I knew that if Dave liked her so much, she had to be good stuff, and probably as much to my liking as Dave, so I treated her as if I had the foreknowledge that we would hit it off as well as I did with Dave. And throughout the day, this assumed geniality really paid off and I was completely comfortable and had a lot of fun… my assumption about her was right! I think she was comfortable too, and if she was surprised by how much I treated her as an established friend, I can’t see how it hurts someone to be too welcoming to them! And it is as much up to me to choose how to introduce them into my world as it is up to them to choose how to enter it; and the reflexive side of this moment, as well. Perhaps this is what many people do naturally, but it has been a process for me, and I am really pleased with the results.
Earlier this week I made friends (see!) with two girls who were sharing the hostel dorm with me. I had an extremely rewarding conversation with one of them for several hours about our personal journeys, narcissistic jerks who tried to discourage us on our travels, and philosophy, psychology, sociology and race. We were preaching to the choir with each other and it felt great to be in agreement with so many things. We both shared that after an encounter with this certain type of judgmental person, we began to doubt our own opinions, knowledge and even sanity because of their strong, objectivist, negative declarations. I so needed to hear this after a couple experiences I have had so far—it’s like I attract these people because I need the practice holding my own with them. She and I bonded over that and many other issues we discussed, and it was great. We also spoke about my favorite topic: how champions of victims inhibit their healthy aggression, confidence, assertion and even self-trust due to their greatest fear- that they are secretly a perpetrator who is just not self-reflective enough to notice. I really began to feel un-lonely with this intellectually and emotionally stimulating conversation. And the other girl was really entertaining and regaled us with tales of Denmark and her other travels. The three of us hung out and wandered around for a couple nights together and I had a lot of fun. And in answer to my ponderings, I do consider them friends, because that’s how it felt. I don’t know how I would rank them or label them or categorize them, and I don’t actually care. I am realizing that it is up to me to let people into my life, and also that I really enjoy having a lot of people know me and share my life with me. I like having a lot of friends, and I never enjoyed that friend proving/competitive/ deprived system aesthetic that seemed so prevalent in the geek communities that I experienced. It felt like a person had to submit a resume and references to be given the approval to begin intimacy. I am such a warm person, and fun, that being friends comes easy to me. As long as I continue to remind myself of this, I am sure to make many friends all over the world, and the warmth in my heart will continue to expand!